Husband doesn't understand... advice?

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I'm a couple months into my first job, and I'm still adjusting to everything as a new nurse. I just completed my first 3 12hour shifts in a row. It was the first time I've done it, and it has been a tough week for me with my patient load/acuity.

My husband isn't in the medical field. For the past few weeks, I have been coming home completely exhausted especially this week. He just doesn't get it. He thinks I'm over exaggerating my workload. Coming home past 8pm then having to wake up the next morning and do it all over again takes a toll on me. I'm still trying to adjust. Does anyone else have similar experiences and would like to give some tips/advice?

Specializes in Gerontology RN-BC and FNP MSN student.

I am very blessed. Me and Dear Hubby take up the slack for each other when the other ones working. He will do the house chores on my weekends to work. I do them when I'm off during the week. It takes respect and being considerate of each other.

If I am so exhausted and just want to crawl in bed after work....hes fine with that and will eat then come to bed when he's done. He has never doubted the intensity of my work day. I love him dearly and know I am a blessed woman

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Specializes in Cardiology, Cardiothoracic Surgical.

My husband understands he must provide dinner after my evening 12s if he does not notify me about stopping on the way home..it can come from Subway, it can be a can of soup, I'm not too picky. Else I come home and don't let him enjoy the rest of the evening.

If I could clone him for other nurses, I would. He's pretty good about letting out the dogs, food procurement, and minimizing my stress on workdays.

It did help that his mother was a nurse and he grew up around her shifts.

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Tell your husband to read this comment...

I am a former general contractor. My specialty was carpentry. I have worked 10 hour days framing houses in the Arizona sun. Was the work hard? Yes. Was I tired? Yes. I am now a nurse (or murse - male nurse). How does nursing compare to framing houses? Nursing is harder. Sure it is in an air conditioned building and a little less physically demanding, but it is extremely busy. Yes I get to sit down to chart, but I am up and down 100 times a day and never have enough time to get all my work done. It is a different kind of hard. It is mentally and physically challenging. I come home from 12 hours of nursing and I am spent. All I needed after framing houses was a nap and I was good to go. After nursing, I need long, deep sleep, and that still does not seem to be enough at times.

Let me tell you how to handle your wife and her new career. When she gets home, she is mentally exhausted and physically tired. Have some food ready for her to eat and tuck her into bed. If you really want her to love you forever... rub her feet! If they are anything like mine, they are throbbing and sore.

I thought nursing would be a cushy job having come from the construction world. Boy was I wrong. Have some patience and understanding for her. She has a very hard job. On her days off, she will reciprocate. Win Win (if you know what I mean).

Good luck to the two of you!

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So you would let your kids starve? I didn't say I cooked for my my husband, I took care of my kids. Just because you have long shifts... Doesn't mean you forget about your kids... Or don't take care of them...

My kids don't starve. My husband takes care of that. What I essentially meant was that if my spouse didn't see fit to pitch in and help on the home front, I would not put up with that. Marriage is a partnership, and that doesn't mean 50/50. My husband picks up the slack for me and vice versa.

Of course, I work 40+ hours weekly and attend nursing school full time (and drive an hour each way to get there)...after all is said and done, three 12's might feel like a vacation to me. ;)

Physical or mental...one way or another...future "wound" nurse.

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Marriage is 100%/100%, otherwise it will fail. 50/50 is decided with a divorce.

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Marriage is 100%/100%, otherwise it will fail. 50/50 is decided with a divorce.

I am going to say not necessarily. You don't think there are times it's more give than take? Such as...as I stated above, full-time work and full-time student...husband works regular hours and takes care of the household...he's clearly giving more than me currently.

"I've saved some sunlight if you should ever need a place away from darkness where your mind can feed." - Rod McKuen

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My point is that you both have to be 100% committed to the relationship. When you start measuring who is contributing more or less, you are opening yourself up to problems. Clearly there are times when one does more than the other. I just finished nursing school and I have 5 children. My wife did the lion-share of the work around the house. We both understood that this was a temporary situation so I could be successful with school. We are both in this for the long-haul and our contribution to our family will shift at times, but we are always there for each other.

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So funny to read everyone complaining about their spouses not helping as much as they wish. Try being a single parent with small children, working 12-hours noc shift. Oh, and without grandma or family around to help. You and you alone have to work, pay all the bills, find a reliable sitter who is willing to spend the night with your kids and take them to school in the morning, then sleep only 5 hours before you pick them up from school, help with homework, make sure dinner is ready and that the sitter won't call in sick last minute. Then go to work and do it all over again 3 days in a row. Add making sure they all attend sports, or whatever they do after school, and explain why they are the only children without a parent on the benches watching their baseball game (what do you mean the sitter will take me to baseball again? why can't you do it?).

If I can do it, I'm sure anyone can. I'd love to have another person doing at least one little thing for me. Remember, it is not perfect but it could always be worse.

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
So funny to read everyone complaining about their spouses not helping as much as they wish. Try being a single parent with small children, working 12-hours noc shift. Oh, and without grandma or family around to help. You and you alone have to work, pay all the bills, find a reliable sitter who is willing to spend the night with your kids and take them to school in the morning, then sleep only 5 hours before you pick them up from school, help with homework, make sure dinner is ready and that the sitter won't call in sick last minute. Then go to work and do it all over again 3 days in a row. Add making sure they all attend sports, or whatever they do after school, and explain why they are the only children without a parent on the benches watching their baseball game (what do you mean the sitter will take me to baseball again? why can't you do it?).

If I can do it, I'm sure anyone can. I'd love to have another person doing at least one little thing for me. Remember, it is not perfect but it could always be worse.

I'm sure your role as a single mother is difficult. But this isn't a thread about the difficulties of being a single mother; it's about the difficulties of being in a relationship with a partner or doesn't understand.

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I'm so glad I found other people that are going through similar situations. The past 1.5 years have been extremely stressful for me and my husband. I got accepted into a 12 month Accelerated BSN out-of-state. I had to leave my husband (then fiance), family, friends, etc. I was living on my own for school. We got married while I was on break in nursing school and still remained living apart. My husband was supportive in the beginning, but then when I would say I missed him when we'd talk, he'd always say "Well you're the one that decided to go there". It really hurt my feelings because I thought he was supportive of me furthering my education and starting a career, and then it sounded like he was blaming it on me.

Now, I have just started my 1st nursing job and he just doesn't get it. I, too, after 3 twelves(more like 14) in a row and completely wiped out. He always says "you only work 3 days a week, how bad could it be?" My husband doesn't deal with people on a day to day basis, he's a research scientist. Nursing is demanding, stressful, mentally and physically exhausting. I have gotten to the point I'm so tired of him complaining that I only work 3 days a week I am looking for a part time nursing job. It's just frustrating. I wish I could just have him shadow me for 1 shift and maybe, just maybe, his tune would change.

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When we got together, we were asked a lot "Why do so many nurses marry cops?" I think that this is why! The stresses are not the same, but both jobs are extremely stressful, both deal with long shifts always on the move, and both deal with very difficult people and very difficult decisions. SO-I'm grateful that I am not in this situation

But, I love raleighgirl's comment. They have bring your child to work days! Why not a bring your spouse to work day. let them shadow for one shift and see if that doesn't iron all of this stuff out!

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