Husband is not ready for me to go to nursing school!!

Snels50 · Sep 24, 2017

So this is a power and control issue and yes, this is a bigger issue than just going to nursing school. Your husband may be verbally and emotionally abusive. This isn't just nursing school, this is the rest of your life.

kjb_lpn · Sep 24, 2017

Oh - I would have a few choice words for him if it were me.

Hold your ground honey. He isn't even in school yet. Tell his backside to be patient while you so do this thing.

Wish you the best in school! One LPN to a future one!

hamolady · Sep 25, 2017

Thank you very very much guys for the beautiful encouraging words. From the bottom of my heart i truly appreciate it. I spoke with my husband yesterday and it did not end up well. I kept asking him why he would be mad at me for pursuing my dreams to help our little family out in the future and he kept telling me his mom was right about me that he should've divorced me a long time ago. I asked him numerous times why he would be so upset and finally he admitted to me that since he can't cook he does not know who will cook for the kids and he claim he can't take care of 3 kids he will need some help(smh)but when i told him that my parents are willing to help us out when my nursing school starts and he refused and bluntly told me that this was my job to care for the kids and to hold on to my dreams until the kids graduate high school. No sir!!! I am good!! I already made up my mind and he does not want to go to counseling as well so there goes that. Anyways, I am going to start Nursing School wether he likes it or not!!!Thank you to all you beautiful people who took the time to comment back this is just a little update on my side. God bless

Ruby Vee, BSN · Sep 25, 2017

All the people on here saying the OP is in an abisive relationship and just needs to leave her husband really bothers me. None of us know this poster, her husband, her marriage. None of us. There are always three sides to a story and we are only seeing one.
The OP is asking questions none of us can answer. Sounds like she needs to do some soul searching and have a real discussion with her husband. They have three kids together.
OP, I hope you have done your research on the job market and nursing in general in your area. Being frustrated with your husband and not understanding his reasoning is one thing. Just going ahead and doing what you want that could be detrimental to your marriage and family is another. Think things through and make the decisions that are right for you.

You are right in that none of us know this poster or her husband. But some of the things she says in her post constitute legitimate red flags. They are indications that her husband may be controlling, may be somewhere on the abuse continuum. Perhaps she shouldn't just run out and dump him, but she should definitely reevaluate her relationship through the lens of possible abuse. Maybe read a book such as "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by Lindy Bancroft to help identify the dynamics of her relationship. If her husband is indeed exercising power and control over her, the OP may want to begin working on an escape plan.

To the OP: I would encourage you to delve further into this question of whether your husband is using power over you to control you. If it's abuse, it will likely escalate. And you have three children to consider.

3ringnursing, BSN · Sep 25, 2017

In some relationships one partner attempts to control the other with a tightly fisted Kung Fu grip - I have a bit of experience in this situation, sadly.

When one person tries to dominate the other, usurping all power and assuming authority, they begin to act more like a parental figure than spouse. They want to run the show by telling the other person what they may or may not do. When one person holds sway over the other, the person whom has appointed them self "in charge" believes they have every right to do so.

If you find yourself in this situation things can get a bit sticky real fast.

That is the place I ended up once. It was not a nice place to be.

However you ended where you are now, if you want to remain in the relationship then taking back control of your own decisions as a person needs to be done carefully to avoid too much conflict. I agree with the others who suggest marriage counseling as a good place - a healthy place - to start. A neutral third party acting as mediator can make all the difference between merely arguing (or fighting) rehashing old grievances, and actually making mutually good decisions - and progress.

In my own personal situation, going from a type of sovereignty to a democracy relationship was very difficult. I felt resentful being treated like a child when I was an adult. He didn't want to give up control. It literally took years to make effective changes - but it can be done. Equality in any relationship is essential. No one has the right to control someone else - to tell them what they can and cannot do, how to act, or what to think.

If you really want to be a nurse then start researching ways that you may be able to do so without drastically altering your family life. Carefully plan your entrance into academia, starting with what school/program you want to apply to eventually, then have a secondary back up program in mind (just in case).

Figure out the necessary prerequisites you need to start with. Try to plan classes online if possible to do at your convenience, or at times that won't be disruptive to dropping off/picking up kids, meal times, or extracurricular activities.

If you can swing it, show the hubb's how it can be accomplished without major changes or inconveniences to the family. His protests may vanish (especially if you can illustrate to him the positive financial impact getting your nursing degree will have for the family).

Depending on your financial status, apply for Pell grants, scholarships, and any other financial aid you may qualify for: show him it won't wipe out the family budget, and that you won't be exclusively eating ramen noodles and peanut butter sandwiches until you graduate.

Talk to him about what his current dream is (if he's changed his mind more than once) then talk about how he can make his plans come to fruition. Perhaps once he has a plan for himself in place he will be less recalcitrant about yours.

I wish you the very best - success in getting where you want to be, and well wishes and happiness for you and your family.

Miss.LeoRN · Sep 25, 2017

It's amazing to me that some of the nurses on here can't identify an abusive relationship. I mean, you see no red flags here at all? None?

We're supposed to be advocates for women in situations such as these. We're supposed to be able to identify risky relationships to offer them aid. Marriage doesn't mean a husband can't be controlling, verbally abusive, or emotionally abusive. It doesn't mean a woman should have to tolerate it either, because "marriage".

Would you honestly say "Oh baby girl, school will be there in a few more years, just wait, stay at home miserable with your husband putting himself first and belittling you, it's all fine, you're marriage is what is really important, not you or your wants and desires. You just be a good girl and raise those kids like you should" to your own daughter? I can't imagine if I had called my mother and that was what she'd have said to me (and thankfully, what she did say in my situation was, "come home baby, we'll figure this out. Oh, and bring the dog"). I can't even consider ever saying something like that to my daughter. That false sense of antiquated "marriage first" and "for the good of the marriage" trapped me in an abusive relationship for 5 years. Perhaps it takes a woman to have experienced a similar situation to truly understand it and be able to advocate for another.

To the OP. Don't walk. Run. It's terrifying, I know this personally. You can do it. You will be fine. And in the long run you will be better off. This is only going to get worse. If he's not willing to support you going to school, he's not going to support you while you are in school, and I promise he will sabotage you each step of the way. From the sound of it, so will his parents. His mother clearly is on her son's side. Don't expect any help from her. What happens on test day or clinical day, or any other day you need to be in class and he's supposed to be with the kids, but he either leaves at the last minute or never comes home and you have no one to be there with them? Do you have access to money? My first husband, the abusive one, refused to allow me on our bank account. If you wanted to call and pay for a baby sitter would you be able to? How fast can your parents get there? Or how close are they for you to drop them off? Do you have your own car? Is he the sort of person who might sabotage your car? These are all things to consider after you're latest update to us.

Saraghawas · Sep 25, 2017

I hope you guys will work it out after all you've got three lovely kids together

Workitinurfava, BSN, RN · Sep 25, 2017

How do we even know what the poster is saying is true? When most people give their side it is just that, their side. All in the name of becoming a nurse i feel is what is making many people side with her. Who knows what her true behavior is towards her husband. Who knows what his is. Far too many post of just leave him are on this board. How about get counseling and see how that goes. We don't know how she treats him. Nothing wrong with supporting someone who wants to become a nurse but giving so much advice on the direction of a posters marriage just doesn't see, fair. This is a nursing board. Direct her to a counselor.

Chay74 · Sep 25, 2017

All of these things are just excuses to put you down. If he can read, he can follow a recipe. There are many Youtube videos out there that can teach cooking. I can't say anything else because it would be a violation. Good for you for sticking to your guns!!! :)

3ringnursing, BSN · Sep 25, 2017

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3ringnursing, BSN · Sep 25, 2017

The army(i am a us veteran) is paying for my school and they will also pay me $1200 every month while i am in school.

Sweet! Uncle Sam is offering to pay for tuition - AND PAY YOU TO GO TO SCHOOL TOO? OMG ... You have to take them up on that offer my friend.

That is a benefit you earned while protecting and serving your country - it would be a serious shame to waste that sweet, sweet deal.

Think of how much better off your family would be with a nursing degree. The privileges you could provide to your children - the enhanced security you will have when you retire!

{Thank you by the way, thank you for serving in the military and helping to protect our freedom, and ensure our citizen's safety. I respect and appreciate your service very much - you have my sincerest gratitude.}

AngelKissed857, BSN, RN · Sep 25, 2017

I hate to say run, don't walk, but if you are accurately portraying the situation- run! I've been married a very long time, REALLY long time- and fortunately I am married to a very supportive and loving partner. I've been on the sidelines of a lot of "failed " marriages over the years, and a few abusive ones as well. Anyone who tries to control you through intimidation, belittling comments, or guilt, is simply not a good partner. No one needs a GOOD partner more than a nursing student and then a nurse. The prerequisites are HARD, nursing school is HARD, being a nurse is HARD. Add to that being a partner and a mom, there's no way it works without both of you being on the same page. It's not that it should be all about YOU, it's that it has to be all about the future of your family, which includes YOUR dreams, YOUR ambitions, YOUR contributions to your family. At this point, you've gotta decide, regardless of the status of nursing school- is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is this the person you want your kids to model? Those are the things you have to base your decision on- because nursing school just can't happen till you have this stuff figured out and your support and living situation settled.Nursing school takes sooo much of your life, you have to have good support, and it sounds like your parents are willing to do that? And you can't be battling someone everyday when you're trying to prep for your clinicals or study for an exam. I encourage to go for the RN, if that's your dream, but sort out your personal life first.