How to support a friend with cancer?

xoemmylouox, ASN, RN · Sep 16, 2015

I know each person is different. I think being there to listen is key. Also if they are fatigued, stressed, alone - make some food and take it over. Easy to freeze meals in correct portion sizes work great. Also IF your friend needs treatment - offer to drive them if they feel ill from the treatments.

You know your friend best. Do they like to spend time alone or do they like to be social? Are they comfortable with sharing what is going on or do they prefer to handle things on their own?

I'm sorry your friend is having to battle cancer again. Life is so unfair so often.

quiltynurse56, LPN, LVN · Sep 16, 2015

Be there for her. Listen to her. Ask about specific ways to help her, not a general let me know if I can help. Cry with her and laugh with her. Basically, be the friend you already are and take her lead.

klone, MSN, RN · Sep 17, 2015

Okay, next question:

How do I toe the line between being hopeful and positive and not trying to negate or dismiss her very real fears and concerns? I want to say "Okay, no metastasis shown, and 20% chance of halting the progression of the disease with the proposed treatment - that's GREAT news!" but I still want to honor her very real fear.

sailornurse · Sep 17, 2015

When I was given cancer dx, my best friend who is also a FNP offered to go with me to doctor appt. Before we went we made a list of questions together. First she made the list as if she was the person with the cancer, the second set of questions were more medically inclined.

I very much appreciated that she cared enough to go to the doctor to ask questions. She had done lot's of internet research before she compiled the questions.

quiltynurse56, LPN, LVN · Sep 17, 2015

Suggest that she take one step or one thing at a time. These are real concerns, but let's get through the next test, or appointment and see what it shows. I was on an Ovarian Cancer Support Board when I had mine and one of the members would advice everyone not to "waste a good panic." Her way of saying to take it one thing at a time.

nursephillyphil, BSN, RN · Sep 17, 2015

like what PP said, thats basically what i tell the families of pt's of mine who are awaiting results of biopsies. Stress plays a huge factor when it comes to CA, it fatigues the pt and the families which are the primary support group. Simply being there is probably the best way to find out what exactly his/her needs are during this time, each person responds differently to this situation. fingers crossed for your friend, cancer really does suck.

Tenebrae, BSN, RN · Sep 17, 2015

I'm going through the cancer thing with my mum, shes been diagnosed with stage four small cell carcinoma of the lung and has a medium survival rate of 7-12 months 2-3 percent make it to 5 years.

As for the being positive versus being the nurse and knowing what you know. Honestly its a bloody struggle.

For me though realizing that mum needed to come at it from a positive point of view, because for her to look at the survival rates the percentages would totally overwhelm her and leave her unable to live life at the moment. And thats ok. I've said to her a couple of times "wont overwhelm you with the facts or the medical stuff but if you have any questions, I'll do my best to give you an honest answer, or at least find out for you"

I'm hugely positive for my mum, because its important for her to be surrounded by positive people

One thing thats been important for me was having a a means and a method of destressing and ensuring self care. I've made contact with the family services person at my local hospice. I catch up with her every three weeks for 30-60 minutes

All the best.

frann · Sep 18, 2015

I've got this!!

I am a nurse with stage 4 BC

Dont ask how I feel-unless you really want to know.

Talk about tings other than C

help her fel normal-movies?

Most people dont know what to say-so they say nothing. that hurts

Texting Hi I'm thinking of you is easy to do

I hate get well cards

ArtClassRN, ADN, RN · Sep 18, 2015

It's one of your very best friends. Keep being a best friend.

OCNRN63, RN · Sep 18, 2015

Okay, next question:
How do I toe the line between being hopeful and positive and not trying to negate or dismiss her very real fears and concerns? I want to say "Okay, no metastasis shown, and 20% chance of halting the progression of the disease with the proposed treatment - that's GREAT news!" but I still want to honor her very real fear.

Follow her lead. I can't begin to describe how painful it is when someone says something like, "Yay! You're in remission!" and then acts like life is back to normal. Meanwhile, the person with CA is going through torment inside. It makes the person with CA feel like s/he can't talk about fears.

Don't be a nurse, spouting all sorts of data. Just be a friend.

Don't say "Let me know if you need anything." Call and tell her what you're going to do for her, whether it's bringing a casserole or groceries.

I lost some friends over them telling me I should be more cheerful because I was in remission (the first time).

If you can't be there for the bad times, don't be there at all. Like I said, having someone negate your experience is so difficult.

Jolie, BSN · Sep 19, 2015

Don't say "Let me know if you need anything." Call and tell her what you're going to do for her, whether it's bringing a casserole or groceries.

This! 1000 times! Your friend will not want to "bother" anyone with requests, and will feel like she should be able to do things for herself, so she won't let you (or anyone else) know what she needs. Stopping by occasionally with groceries, a meal, laundry items, or letting her know that you will pick her kids up for a Friday overnight, etc. will be very much appreciated.

Bless you for your help.