How do I walk back into a room

[newtress]

Hello to all. If there ever was a time I need this community for nurses it is now. I have ran the gambit for self help via friends, literature, internet etc. I have just experienced thus far in my lifetime the most painful loss. It was my father who died on Thanksgiving day. The way it all occured, and how helpless and shut out I felt being a nurse added more to the painful process. I had to make a plane reservation asap to get out to California from Louisiana when I got word from the heartless woman he had been living with that he "didn't look too good." When I did walk into this stark bedroom with nothing in it and saw his condition I told my brother he has got to be admitted right now. That didn't happen until the following day because this woman was calling all the shots and attacked me and told me to back off and was tired of me asking questions "because of your damn profession." I saw he was going into agonal breathing at the hospital and this was not a peaceful death and just knew it would happen T-giving day of all days. Less the horrific descriptions and visuals that have altered me severely, I am completely paranoid about going back to a nursing job. I feel like I have aquired instant PTSD. I don't want to look at, be at or work in a medical facility or even care for others who are ill. I feel ruined by this because it was my father. It was the worst death I have witnessed, and he was not treated very well by the oncologist and didn't get hospice on board until two days prior to me getting him into a hospital.

I know I can come here to ask a fellow sister or brother nurse who had lost a loved one or a parent and you were there at that moment of death, if you suffered the same emotions and feelings I am having. Will I ever be able to walk back into a room?

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

I'm terribly sorry for your pain. Be assured that time will help ease it.

Sadly, economic reality will likely force you back to work long before you want to go, but such is life for most of us. Probably it's actually best to keep busy. You will still find that you are reliving the whole scenario for hours, days, weeks, and months. Gradually, you will think of it all less often and with less acute pain.

Yes, do use this pain to make you a more tender hearted nurse.

And you might it amazingly comforting to contact a couple of attorneys to see if there is any cause of legal action against anyone.

I pray for your strength and your relief from pain.

[carluvscats]

Awwwwwwwwwwwww............. hugs to you, newtress. There are no words.

[blondy2061h, MSN, RN]

i just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. That's an incredibly difficult thing to go through.

[Katie5]

I think this is an amazing experience to have as a nurse. It is so personal, and so fresh because of how close he was to you. Imagine if you are able to keep this entire experience in a little part of your brain. What if you treated every patient the exact opposite of how your father was treated? Whaat if you dealt with every family member the opposite way you were treated? Can you imagine having the complete opposite effect on a person? What if instead you were in this forum raving on and on about how you can't wait to get back to work because of the genuine care you saw your father receive and the amazing way the staff communicated and handled his passing.

As said previously, seek counseling to deal with your grief, but I would be surprised if really helping other people in similar situations wasn't counseling enough. I hope you do great things.

Um, however well-intentioned this post was meant to be, I am not exactly sure this would have the intended effect on the OP>

As you said, this was a very personal and upsetting thing happen to her, she may not be feeling very charitable towards another right.Let her have her moment- it's okay to be selfish.

And then later, after she's healed herself,she can deal with giving out care to others.

What are you talking about?The lady just lost her father this past thanksgiving?!!

[Katie5]

TO the OP, words are never enough.GOD be your comfort(warm hugs)

[LightningBug]

My sympathy to you. In your grief, you are reliving the last moments of your dad's life. In time, you will see the sum of his life, and not focus simply on his final moments. It is important to remember that he is at peace now, and he went knowing you were there for him.

As mentioned by an earlier poster, take this experience with you, and when you walk back into your patient rooms, use your experience for good. Use it to be the advocate for your patients. Use it to help those patients who are dying to experience a good death... and not only them, but their families, too. You can be the one to make a difference for others, and when you do so, do it in remembrance of your father.

[Schmoo1022]

I had just graduated nursing school, when my sister was admitted to the hospital because of shortness of breath. I was worried, but a little to involved with myself and just becom,ing a new RN. I got to the hospital 2 days after she was admitted and nearly fell to the floor when I walked in her room. She was vented, restrained, and tubes everywhere. She opened her eyes and looked and me and started crying. I never spoke to her or seen her alert again. She was transferred from that hospital to a large cardiac hospital via life flight. She was coded at the hospital, the staff asked us to come right away. We ( myself and my teenage neices and nephew) drove the hour to the hosptial. When we were all allowed into see her, again I was blown away....she was uncovered, blood all over her johny...just a horrifing mess.

It devasted me and not looking back it put me into a serious depression. I needed help that I didn't get and my nursing career got off to an awful start.

I feel for you.

[Jay-Jay, RN]

I lost my father, my husband and my mother all within 10 months of each other.

The hardest part of the whole thing were the 'might-have-been's' that I still beat myself up with. What if I had pushed my husband to have that bladder biopsy that might have found his cancer before it spread to his bones and lymph nodes? What if I had gotten my father out of that horrible nursing home before he suffered a stroke, and then, as a result of sitting off balance due to the stroke, got a bedsore that went all the way to the bone? WHY wasn't I more proactive??

I am still haunted by my last visit with my dad. He was lying totally naked in bed from the waist down: no diaper, not even a sheet overtop of him. The flimsy disposable pad underneath him was soaked with urine, as was the bed, and his shirt tails. (He was wearing only a shirt and undershirt.) I was in the room for over an hour, and no one came near him to check on him. I finally went out into the hallway and tagged a nurse who was passing meds, and begged her to send someone to help change him, as he would panic and latch onto the bed rails with both hands when you tried to turn him, so I couldn't do it myself.

In the end, I had to forgive myself for what I felt were my shortcomings, and move on. My intervention would have changed very little, anyway. When the doctor finally DID do a biopsy on my husband, he still did not find the cancer. It was finally found when he examined cells he'd washed out of the bladder. My dad was 89 years old when he died. He still would have developed dementia and died in another nursing home, no matter how good it was. He might have died with more dignity, but he STILL would have died.

I have been through a very long healing and grieving process. I did eventually return to nursing after dealing with my parent's estate, but found that coming home to an empty house at the end of a shift was just too depressing. I handed in my resignation about a year and a half after my husband died. I miss being able to help people and make a difference in their lives, but I sure don't miss the stress!

Get counselling. I had both secular and religious counselling, and completed a grief and bereavement course. Give yourself time to heal if you can (a leave of absence would be a good idea, if you can get one.) See if your workplace will offer counselling, or refer you to someone who can do it. In my experience, therapists are better than psychiatrists, as the seem to have more empathy and are less wrapped up in the medical crap of brain waves, chemical recations and drugs. One very excellent counsellor I saw was an MD with special training in counselling and psychotherapy. He was marvellous, and he also respected me for the work I did as a nurse.

[justashooter]

Each of us deals with the death of close family members differently. Having lost my parents while I was in my late teens I cannot compare my experience to yours. Grief over your loss is yours and yours alone. PTSD is not a normal part of grief unless you have feelings of responsibility for the loss, which you apparently do.

My suggestion? Private counseling focused on gaining an understanding of the fact that death is an unavoidable certainty, and that we all have limited power, thereby responsibility, in any given circumstance.

[newtress, LPN]

To each and every one of you who has responded to my post I'd like to extend a sincere thank you and appreciation in your support. I have been given a gift here at AllNurses at this holiday season. This is the first time I can acknowledge those who I believe do know how I feel. Your compassion is stunning. I do apologize to those of you who shared your personal losses as they were just as painful and tragic as mine. But y'all have given me insight today as I am completely blind with dispair, you've given me wonderful guidance and a big solidarity hug to the poster who responded to the post "Wow this is an awsome experience! You'll be so much better in your profession after this." I've done med surg, LTC, psych, home health and agency. I was just doing agency and that made it a lot easier to leave for a week so I could make all my dad's cremation arrangements. And now I am seriously considering for the time being pediatric nursing. I personally think it would be a healthy choice for me and a break from adult nursing, as adult/geriatric nursing always runs the high potential for death. I think that would be one better way to ease back into a nursing position. And ultimately, I would like to see more, much more public awareness regarding psychosocial and medical elder abuse. I want to be their voice. Please know that you have soothed a broken heart tonight and I felt your losses that you shared with me and I wish you comfort also. God speed.

[joanna73, BSN, RN]

Hi. I can understand at least some of what you might be feeling. There are really no words to articulate it, because grief is very personal. I lost my mother from cancer 4 years ago around this time, when I was in my first semester of nursing school. It really hurt me, physically, emotionally. I lost 11 pounds the first week because I forgot to eat. All this while learning to be a nurse. It was worse than awful. But you will get through this, in your own way, and the pain will lessen with time, I promise. However, there is a hole there that never truly heals.

Counselling may be an option, but you might find its too soon. Counselling helped me, but I could not go until the second year in. Whatever works for you. There is no time limit, or right/ wrong way to grieve. It took me 4 years. Now that I am a new nurse, I am more nostalgic than sad, because my mother was not there to see me graduate. However, she is better off, because she isn't suffering anymore.

The first year is often the hardest, because you will cycle between so many complex emotions. That's ok. Allow yourself to feel however you are feeling. Time will lessen the intensity. Ask for support from friends, coworkers, and family when you need it. In the end, know you will be ok. My thoughts are with you :)

Many people care :)

[nursel56]

Your sharing and asking for support helped me, too - it's hard to share these unique experiences with just anyone. Hope you'll continue to seek support as this reverberates through your life - and PM me anytime if you want to as I think you will doubtless be feeling quite a bit of anger at the woman who neglected your dad. I know I did - and got a lot of conflicting advice about what to do in the aftermath.

Your heart is telling you to work in peds for a while - that sounds like a good plan. Continued best wishes as you walk this journey (but not alone!).