How do I walk back into a room

[newtress]

Hello to all. If there ever was a time I need this community for nurses it is now. I have ran the gambit for self help via friends, literature, internet etc. I have just experienced thus far in my lifetime the most painful loss. It was my father who died on Thanksgiving day. The way it all occured, and how helpless and shut out I felt being a nurse added more to the painful process. I had to make a plane reservation asap to get out to California from Louisiana when I got word from the heartless woman he had been living with that he "didn't look too good." When I did walk into this stark bedroom with nothing in it and saw his condition I told my brother he has got to be admitted right now. That didn't happen until the following day because this woman was calling all the shots and attacked me and told me to back off and was tired of me asking questions "because of your damn profession." I saw he was going into agonal breathing at the hospital and this was not a peaceful death and just knew it would happen T-giving day of all days. Less the horrific descriptions and visuals that have altered me severely, I am completely paranoid about going back to a nursing job. I feel like I have aquired instant PTSD. I don't want to look at, be at or work in a medical facility or even care for others who are ill. I feel ruined by this because it was my father. It was the worst death I have witnessed, and he was not treated very well by the oncologist and didn't get hospice on board until two days prior to me getting him into a hospital.

I know I can come here to ask a fellow sister or brother nurse who had lost a loved one or a parent and you were there at that moment of death, if you suffered the same emotions and feelings I am having. Will I ever be able to walk back into a room?

[Testa Rosa, RN]

Tanti Brachi Caldi--Many warm hugs in Italian because it's more heart felt that way.

I lost my parents to cancer, one during my own bout with breast cancer, and it was a brutal time....I had babies in diapers and felt so sick both due to the chemo and due to my grief...and that helpless feeling of being unable to do anything for my father. I know your heartbreak and I can tell you it does get better with time.

I just started my first nursing job on an oncology floor. Nursing does much to heal my soul. Helping others thru their grief helps me deal with my own grief. In it all, there are moments of magic that remind me how good it is to be alive.

It takes time, but I hope the same for you one day.

Many blessings on your journey.

[steelydanfan]

Oh, sweetie, we have ALL been where you are to some degree. In my case, it was my father -in-law, whose 2nd wife shoved him into a nursing home and told him "I don't want to deal with another sick husband" All I could reply when he related this was "Well, I guess the vows of "in sickness and in health don't mean much, no? He had been totally msdiagnosed, shunted, and ignored; and if he had just CALLED his daughter-in-law, the NURSE, he might still be alive today.

You can't help a parent when they don't want to be helped. Just know you gave it your best, loved them and were there, even if it was not acknowledged.

My heart goes out to you, I know how frustrated you must feel.

[newtress, LPN]

Yes, I'm still reading the replies that have come in since I last checked and it is a tremendous help to me as the evening progresses. I haven't been able to get to sleep until around 4a, but do not want to crack into any medications to knock me down. Thanks again nurse156 and all of you who are identifying this phenom that seems to be more prevailant in female companion/caregivers/wives that have such disregard for older gentlemen when they are close to dying. I may be way off the mark here, but there seems to be more women who dishonor and mistreat compromised ill men. We need to get that fixed in this country and not overlook it because I consider it a criminal act to withhold medical attention, we know it happens all the time and these people continue to harm behind closed doors. I don't think enough is being done for our elders to protect them. Adult protective services? They want to see cuts and bruises. And if your loved one isn't able to articulate the abuse it is assumed it didn't happen by the agency. I'm not nailing any particular social workers here, but the one that showed up only once didn't advocate for my dad either and was busy trying to find a stink hole to place my dad into the day prior, and I had to tell her to please stop, as a nursing home would be of no benefit for him being hours away from death. If you're a hospice social worker and your client has Medicare, wouldn't admit to ER be a better option (especially having all legal aspects and paperwork proper in a hospital and a doctor to pronounce) knowing the caregiver wanted my father removed from her house asap? I know, I need to give it a rest.

[anurseatlast]

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. He was fortunate to have a daughter who loved him enough to advocate for him in spite of all the opposition. You being there with him made a difference for him. Although many things did not go as they should have, YOU made the difference. I am sure your presence was comforting to him and he felt your love. What his SO refused to give him, you did. What a gift that was to him!

Will you ever "get over it?" This experience will always be there and you will be changed because of it but it will not always be as painful as it is right now if you allow yourself to grieve. Having someone to talk to, whether a professional counselor or a willing friend, will help you work through the strong emotions over time.Some people find journaling helpful. Losing a parent is difficult; dealing with the fact that he was not treated well just makes it more painful. But over time, your grief will gradually lessen.

I was the primary caregiver for my mom when she died of multiple myeloma. Less than a year later, I started an accelerated nursing program. At times, I left the classroom in tears when topics hit too close to home and grief overwhelmed me. Being open with my instructors and classmates allowed them to show compassion to me. Over time, my grief has lessened but I still miss my mom. (She was a nurse for many years and I just wish I could call her some days.)

Will you ever be able to be a nurse again? Yes, I think you can. Maybe not tomorrow, but sometime. Your idea of doing peds may be helpful. Working for an agency, you can choose not to do patients that you think may be too difficult for whatever reason. That will allow you to use your nursing skill while respecting your need to have time to work through your grief. In time, you may find that you are a much better nurse because of your personal experience of grief.

Be good to yourself.(Go for a walk, bake something, take a bubble bath - whatever works for you.) Give yourself time. Grief is hard work. Let others take care of you. As nurses, we tend to be much better at taking care of others than we are at letting others take care of us. There really are better days ahead even when it seems you will never smile again. Again, I am sorry for your loss. Know that many are thinking of you and praying for you. This is a safe place to come - tomorrow, next week, next year.

[rhward96]

I experienced the death of my father in a very gruesome, blow by blow detail you describe with some additional twists. That was 18 years ago & feels like forever and this morning all at the same time. It is and always will be life altering & I pray you are not the same as you were. You will always treat others with a depth of tenderness and tears that only someone who has gone through it can share. My advise, what worked for me, is tough and ironically advice from my dad--GET BACK ON THE HORSE WHEN YOU FALL OFF. You need to do this to get your feet under you again. Your whole world has crashed, nothing will feel good, normal or the same and if you shy away from patient care now you will be depriving your future patients & families of someone who 'gets it'. Please thoughtfully consider it (as I'm sure you are).

[Elizabeth A]

Newtress,

This would be a difficult time for anyone, unfortunately, you have the added burden of being surrounded by illness and suffering every day. It may not seem very conducive to the healing process, but perhaps it's the best thing. My best advice is to use your heavy emotions to propel you forward. It is clear that you are very angry and hurt, regarding the lack of care and compassion shown to your Dad. Use this to your advantage. Sometimes our greatest accomplishments can be achieved by knowing what we "don't" want to be. Use these emotions to your advantage...Maybe you can be the one person that makes the difference for another son or daughter who has to endure the loss of a parent.

You can't change your feelings...perhaps you can use them for a greater purpose....having been there will give you a degree of compassion that cannot be taught.

[newtress, LPN]

There is valuable truth in this advice. I am hoping to arrive at this eventually.

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

Newtress-

I am very much feeling what you are going through right now. It is a horrible thing when you lose a parent, and no matter how much time you have had to come to terms with an illness, the death of a loved one always comes as a shock.

It would be wise to give yourself some time before you return to work. I think that counseling would be a good option as well.

I lost my mother to cancer. The ironic thing is that she was a cancer researcher. I think the worst part of her death is the blame that I placed on myself. I had nightmares constantly. I lived with the "if only I had..." for a long long time. I beat myself up about that for years. My caution to you is this: don't place blame on yourself. Don't agonize about what could have happened. Your Dad would not want you to live with that.

As hard as it may seem and as impossible as these words are to accept right now, his death will make you a stronger nurse. You will find yourself more compassionate, more giving, and more sensitive to those who are struggling. Not just your patients, but your friends, your community and your family. You need to heal first, and that will take some time. There isn't a "catalyst" for grief, much as I wish there was one.

You may also be experiencing feelings of anger toward his companion. I don't blame you. FEEL THEM. Get angry, go run if you like to run. Play a really hard game of tennis and smack the heck out of the ball. Use your anger in a positive way, but don't bind yourself with it-do you know what I mean? I may be overstepping my bounds in assuming that you are angry, and if that is the case, my sincerest apologies.

I can honestly say that I identify with you completely and totally. It will take a long time to come to terms with your Dad's death. There are no comforting words I can offer you, as they would seem trite at this time in your grieving. Know that you can contact me any time you feel the need to vent, talk, rage, whatever. You will run through a gamut of emotions. I am here for you, as are the community of nurses on this forum.

I hold your hand and wish strength for you, dear one. It is never easy to deal with.

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

hi. i can understand at least some of what you might be feeling. there are really no words to articulate it, because grief is very personal. i lost my mother from cancer 4 years ago around this time, when i was in my first semester of nursing school. it really hurt me, physically, emotionally. i lost 11 pounds the first week because i forgot to eat. all this while learning to be a nurse. it was worse than awful. but you will get through this, in your own way, and the pain will lessen with time, i promise. however, there is a hole there that never truly heals.

you are so right when you state that the hole never truly heals. i was speaking to a friend of mine who lost her brother recently. she asked me if i ever felt closure with my mother's death. i waited for a minute to find the words that i wanted to express. i told her that i hoped i never found closure. she thought that was an unusual statement, so i elaborated. i told her that if i felt closure, then i would not feel compelled to stay an extra minute with a patient who was scared. i would not be driven to hold a patient's hand when they had no family to be with them. i would not identify with the patient who felt vulnerable. i learned from mom's death to stop being in such a rush, and look holistically at my patients. she would have been proud to see that i took the pain of her death and used that to offer comfort to those who cannot voice the need to be comforted.

counselling may be an option, but you might find its too soon. counselling helped me, but i could not go until the second year in. whatever works for you. there is no time limit, or right/ wrong way to grieve. it took me 4 years. now that i am a new nurse, i am more nostalgic than sad, because my mother was not there to see me graduate. however, she is better off, because she isn't suffering anymore.

these are tough times...when we reach important milestones in our lives and cannot have our parents there with us. it doesn't get any easier, but the intensity does lessen.

the first year is often the hardest, because you will cycle between so many complex emotions. that's ok. allow yourself to feel however you are feeling. time will lessen the intensity. ask for support from friends, coworkers, and family when you need it. in the end, know you will be ok. my thoughts are with you :)

many people care :)

you sound like you have done well in your coping. you have very good advice to offer, and i bet my bottom dollar that you are a stellar nurse. your mom is proud. :)

[Butterfliesnroses]

I wish I could give you a huge hug but I can't. I think that in the end this WILL make you a better nurse. I truly believe that you will make it your goal to allow patients to have a "good" death since that was stolen from your father. In the end you will advocate more strongly for your patient.

I know that even though my experience doesn't come close to comparing, however I have a strong desire to advocate strongly for my patients and to ensure they have a "good" death. This is b/c many times I was a CNA in the situation. The nurse was in charge of the pt and wouldn't advocate for her patient. I was stuck many times; I could try to speak with the nurse but often times that would offend. I certainly couldn't go call the MD. Now as the nurse I find that I am the MD's eyes and ears and so if I find something, if a change needs to be made, it's my responsibility to advocate for the patient to get the proper orders in place.

Long entry I know, but I do believe that you will use your anger/hurts to your advantage!

[joanna73, BSN, RN]

Hi Newtress and Canesdukegirl :)

Thanks for your responses. I think, as many have said here, it is never easy to lose a loved one. Through all of this, as traumatic as it was for me (I, too have had recurring dreams that my mother is ill, and I wake up before I can save her), the entire process was very therapeutic. I had to learn to put old demons to rest, and forgive. Most of all, you have to learn to forgive yourself. Not an easy task. The positive aspect, is that at some point, grief makes you stronger, if expressed in healthy ways. At least we can take some solace that our loved ones aren't suffering anymore.

Newtress, I hope you are being kind to yourself. I found the early period was very exhausting some days. Try to take it easy, on the days you are feeling overwhelmed.

[joanna73, BSN, RN]

Canesdukegirl, I just reread your post, where you are speaking about your patients. I have to agree. I have always enjoyed being with people, but after this experience, I have learned to value others in a special way. Death makes you realize how vulnerable we all are, and I feel it is a priviledge to take care of others who are in need. Even the ones who make us crazy. If I can make another person smile, that's worth all the not-so-nice tasks we have to perform. I really wish though, that these facilities were properly staffed, so that we could spend the time. I don't ever want to see a patient as a "task".