How do I walk back into a room

[newtress]

Hello to all. If there ever was a time I need this community for nurses it is now. I have ran the gambit for self help via friends, literature, internet etc. I have just experienced thus far in my lifetime the most painful loss. It was my father who died on Thanksgiving day. The way it all occured, and how helpless and shut out I felt being a nurse added more to the painful process. I had to make a plane reservation asap to get out to California from Louisiana when I got word from the heartless woman he had been living with that he "didn't look too good." When I did walk into this stark bedroom with nothing in it and saw his condition I told my brother he has got to be admitted right now. That didn't happen until the following day because this woman was calling all the shots and attacked me and told me to back off and was tired of me asking questions "because of your damn profession." I saw he was going into agonal breathing at the hospital and this was not a peaceful death and just knew it would happen T-giving day of all days. Less the horrific descriptions and visuals that have altered me severely, I am completely paranoid about going back to a nursing job. I feel like I have aquired instant PTSD. I don't want to look at, be at or work in a medical facility or even care for others who are ill. I feel ruined by this because it was my father. It was the worst death I have witnessed, and he was not treated very well by the oncologist and didn't get hospice on board until two days prior to me getting him into a hospital.

I know I can come here to ask a fellow sister or brother nurse who had lost a loved one or a parent and you were there at that moment of death, if you suffered the same emotions and feelings I am having. Will I ever be able to walk back into a room?

[Butterfly0328]

OP: My thoughts and prayers are with you! Take the time you need to grieve, and counseling would be an incredible way to go...I truly believe that some time in the future you will make amazing stides in advocating for the elderly, especially those like your father. It is people like you that take such a horrific experience and work to make something good come out of it. Your father will be looking down on you with such admiration and pride. Please take comfort in knowing that your father did know you were with him. I am positive he felt your presence and love. You may think you were too late, but I bet he was thinking you made it just in time. In time you will be the nurse you were before this happened, only even better! God Bless You!:hug:

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

hello, soul sister. I have experienced the almost exact circumstances and pain.I watched my poppa die from hospital neglect. It took me aloooong time to be able to care for patients.It was always my daddy laying there. You cant care for others when you are in such pain.

Looking back, I would have asked for help in my grieving process. However, it is hard for nurses to ask for help.

Please get into grief counseling. I hope you:redbeathe heal quickly. Please feel free to send me a personal message. Would like to help.

[wondern, ASN]

How do I walk back into a room...with a lump in your throat and a smile on your face, and a renewed sense of compassion and empathy, most likely. God bless you.

When you do walk through that first patient door please know a lot of us nurses that have been there on our own unique journeys are with you in spirit.:redpinkhe

So sorry for your losing your father, as well as the trauma. :hug:

[newtress, LPN]

To all the recent responses and replies from the community, I can't believe the incredible display of compassion and powerful words that have been expressed to me. I can now say for the first time in a very long time, yes there are people who care about me. You've taken the time in your busy day to embrace me, and it will not ever be forgotten. I even thought for a moment today that Daytonite, God bless her soul reached out to me and dispensed her carefully outlined advice. I am so glad I am part of the Allnurses community more than ever.

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

We have your back, girl.

[newtress, LPN]

Canesdukegirl, I PM'd you earlier today, I hope you received my message.