How do I help others after a loved one's suicide?

[kukukajoo]

Just got tragic news. A nurse friend- she just graduated last year with honors, well her boyfriend hung himself last night while she was on the phone talking to him. It happened at his work and I am not sure of all the details, but it is pretty tragic all the way around.

This friend recently had cancer surgery and has been going through some difficult times and now this, I can't imagine what she is feeling.

I know they were having difficulty in the relationship and that was hard. He was quite controlling evidently. Well last night he tried to get her to go to his work for something but would not say what. She declined since it was a ways from the house. He promised it would only take a minute.

We think one of two things- he wanted to kill her also, or he wanted her there to see it happen. Thank God she was still recovering from her surgery or she would have gone!

When we covered suicide, we learned of prevention, danger signs, etc. but never once covered how to deal with the survivors left after such a tragic event. How do you consel someone and help them through this aftermath?

[leslie :-D]

in its immediate aftermath, she will need 24/7 support available.

let her talk, cry, scream, hit (a pillow), whatever she needs for an outlet.

but more than anything, she needs a darned good therapist who specializes in crisis.

if she agrees with therapy, hopefully she will deal with why she fell in love w/such a controlling person.

there are issues there, as well.

you are a wonderful friend.

wishing everyone peace, strength and faith.

leslie

[rn/writer, RN]

I have a made a point to never go to a persons funeral who committed suicide, ever. I stick by that decision and probably always will.

I can certainly understand your desire to avoid such an emotionally charged situation and not appear to be rewarding a selfish choice. But do consider that funerals are for those left behind. The innocent victims of that selfish choice shouldn't be punished or made to feel rejected for something they had no control over. Seems like they'd need friendship and support even more than those whose loved ones died under "normal" circumstances.

No criticism, just food for thought.

[nyapa, RN]

Off topic a little. Not all suicide attempts are selfish. Some are done simply because there is literally no way out of the pain they are suffering emotionally. So please don't place all ppl in that category.

In saying this, it sounds as if this man did do it in a selfish manner. He may not even have expected it to work, thinking that she would come around before he died. I too am glad she didn't go.

Just be there, listen, give her space too when she needs it. There is nothing you can actually do or say, you can't solve her problems. But you care, and you can show her this caring by giving her the support you want to.

What you can do if you are close enough is tell her to ring you any time of the day or night if she wants to talk.

[Grace Oz]

Some good advice and valid points made by the OP's.

My condolences to your friend, and this young man's family.

As a mother, I can only try and imagine what his parents must be going through.

And, bless you for wanting to be of tangible help to your friend.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

I can certainly understand your desire to avoid such an emotionally charged situation and not appear to be rewarding a selfish choice. But do consider that funerals are for those left behind. The innocent victims of that selfish choice shouldn't be punished or made to feel rejected for something they had no control over. Seems like they'd need friendship and support even more than those whose loved ones died under "normal" circumstances.

No criticism, just food for thought.

This is a very good point. My uncle committed suicide and his wife and kids needed us at the funeral and afterwards. A good friend's daughter did the same at the age of 16 and my friend and her family needed support at the funeral and afterwards. Another good friend's mom did the same and I would never have not gone to the funeral - my friend needed her family and friends by her side.

The person who died is gone . . . . you go for the family.

Also, my comments are also just food for thought. This is a hard hard thing to deal with.

steph

[kukukajoo, LPN]

Sorry, I don't agree with the being there for the family. There are other ways to be there for loved ones. Funerals are overrated and a way to show respect to someone who has died. I can not respect anyone who would do that barring some terrible or debilitating terminal illness.

I have been that family member, when my great uncle hung himself after putting my aunt in a nsg home. He was distraught because he could not take care of her anymore. Like that movie the Notebook with a different ending. Very, Very tragic. They didn't even have a funeral for him but we did have a family gathering. I can't even watch that movie as it is WAYYY too much like their lives. BTW she died just a couple weeks after him.

Have also been that familiy member when my mom died years ago and funny- ALL of the immediate family thought it was a farce, really for other people, not us. We didn't want to be there but had to be. Where were all these people when she wa alive, or when she was actively dying and stuck in the hospital just awaiting her fate?? The gathering we had at our home was much better.

I guess I have always believed that the way you live now and show friendship, love and support when someone is alive is the best way to honor anyone throughout their lives.

Moral of the story- be present during life, not at a stupid funeral.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

Sorry, I don't agree with the being there for the family. There are other ways to be there for loved ones. Funerals are overrated and a way to show respect to someone who has died. I can not respect anyone who would do that barring some terrible or debilitating terminal illness.

I have been that family member, when my great uncle hung himself after putting my aunt in a nsg home. He was distraught because he could not take care of her anymore. Like that movie the Notebook with a different ending. Very, Very tragic. They didn't even have a funeral for him but we did have a family gathering. I can't even watch that movie as it is WAYYY too much like their lives. BTW she died just a couple weeks after him.

Have also been that familiy member when my mom died years ago and funny- ALL of the immediate family thought it was a farce, really for other people, not us. We didn't want to be there but had to be. Where were all these people when she wa alive, or when she was actively dying and stuck in the hospital just awaiting her fate?? The gathering we had at our home was much better.

I guess I have always believed that the way you live now and show friendship, love and support when someone is alive is the best way to honor anyone throughout their lives.

Moral of the story- be present during life, not at a stupid funeral.

Everyone has to choose what is right for their own situation. No judgments here.

But if someone needs me, I'll do what they need.

steph

[Atheos]

I can not respect anyone who would do that barring some terrible or debilitating terminal illness.

Most mental illnesses are terrible, debilitating and terminal. 90% of people that commit suicide have been shown to suffer from a psych disorder. Certain disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar have suicide rates of over 70% if untreated. You should know that suicide is neither selfish nor cowardly. It's the last desperate act of someone suffering from a psych or personality disorder. Just because you don't understand what could drive someone to commit suicide doesn't mean that it makes them less of a person.

[Ms.Hobbes]

most mental illnesses are terrible, debilitating and terminal. 90% of people that commit suicide have been shown to suffer from a psych disorder. certain disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar have suicide rates of over 70% if untreated. you should know that suicide is neither selfish nor cowardly. it's the last desperate act of someone suffering from a psych or personality disorder. just because you don't understand what could drive someone to commit suicide doesn't mean that it makes them less of a person.

thank you for posting this. i lost my mother only nine months ago to suicide. she suffered with her bouts of depression, but in a more reserved quiet, never complain of problems way. and yes we were and still devestated over her loss. and yes we have and are going through the "whys" and anger. the people that have given me support since then are my true friends. being a sucide survivor has made me realize the isolation these people feel when this happens in their lives. be there for them, love them, offer support and most of all let them talk. remember no matter how they died it was still their mother, father, brother, sister, etc. everyday i miss my mother with every ounce of my being, she gave me some very beautiful things in my life and i am sorry she felt her pain was to great to go on one more day. my empathy goes out to all of you touched by suicide!

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

most mental illnesses are terrible, debilitating and terminal. 90% of people that commit suicide have been shown to suffer from a psych disorder. certain disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar have suicide rates of over 70% if untreated. you should know that suicide is neither selfish nor cowardly. it's the last desperate act of someone suffering from a psych or personality disorder. just because you don't understand what could drive someone to commit suicide doesn't mean that it makes them less of a person.

thank you for posting this. i lost my mother only nine months ago to suicide. she suffered with her bouts of depression, but in a more reserved quiet, never complain of problems way. and yes we were and still devestated over her loss. and yes we have and are going through the "whys" and anger. the people that have given me support since then are my true friends. being a sucide survivor has made me realize the isolation these people feel when this happens in their lives. be there for them, love them, offer support and most of all let them talk. remember no matter how they died it was still their mother, father, brother, sister, etc. everyday i miss my mother with every ounce of my being, she gave me some very beautiful things in my life and i am sorry she felt her pain was to great to go on one more day. my empathy goes out to all of you touched by suicide!

thank you, ms. hobbes and stanleyrw . . . .

steph

[tnbutterfly - Mary, BSN]

Just as others have said....those left behind....friends and family...still have to face a loss. Suicide is a traumatic loss -- sudden, unexpected, and often violent. The grief it causes is intense and prolonged. Because suicide is still stigmatized, suicide grievers may withdraw from seeking support. Suicide grievers may feel responsible for their loss.

One does not "get over" a suicide. Suicide loss does not "heal." The effects may stabilize, but the loss is forever felt. Personal values and beliefs are shattered. The individual is changed emotionally. Every suicide griever needs immediate support at the time of the loss. This support can come from friends, but survivors should seek professional help as well as support groups.

[Atheos]

Just as others have said....those left behind....friends and family...still have to face a loss. Suicide is a traumatic loss -- sudden, unexpected, and often violent. The grief it causes is intense and prolonged. Because suicide is still stigmatized, suicide grievers may withdraw from seeking support. Suicide grievers may feel responsible for their loss.

One does not "get over" a suicide. Suicide loss does not "heal." The effects may stabilize, but the loss is forever felt. Personal values and beliefs are shattered. The individual is changed emotionally. Every suicide griever needs immediate support at the time of the loss. This support can come from friends, but survivors should seek professional help as well as support groups.

I would venture to say that this advice should extend to any loss.