How do I help others after a loved one's suicide?

Nurses General Nursing

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Just got tragic news. A nurse friend- she just graduated last year with honors, well her boyfriend hung himself last night while she was on the phone talking to him. It happened at his work and I am not sure of all the details, but it is pretty tragic all the way around.

This friend recently had cancer surgery and has been going through some difficult times and now this, I can't imagine what she is feeling.

I know they were having difficulty in the relationship and that was hard. He was quite controlling evidently. Well last night he tried to get her to go to his work for something but would not say what. She declined since it was a ways from the house. He promised it would only take a minute.

We think one of two things- he wanted to kill her also, or he wanted her there to see it happen. Thank God she was still recovering from her surgery or she would have gone!

When we covered suicide, we learned of prevention, danger signs, etc. but never once covered how to deal with the survivors left after such a tragic event. How do you consel someone and help them through this aftermath?

Specializes in Community Health, Med-Surg, Home Health.

If you are able to find out, I would like to know the dynamics of their relationship. If he was really controlling, or did your friend try to leave him a few times, etc... It is true, maybe he either wanted to take her with him, or that he wanted her to witness him killing himself. THAT, no matter how you put it is controlling and maybe even a bit manipulative. I would certainly support her through this, and let her gently, but firmly that this was not her fault. Maybe he had a chemical imbalance, depression, was taking meds, or whatever.

I guess I am asking more about him, because I would be able to focus a bit more on how to help her. If she felt that her life is in danger, then, I would acknowledge her grief, but also let her know that she is lucky to be alive, and just slowly help her come to grips with this.

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Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.
I would venture to say that this advice should extend to any loss.

True....but the grief process accompanying suicide is further complicated by the stigma associated with suicide. Because of that stigma, it is often more difficult for the survivors to talk about their feelings of shame, guilt, anger, etc. Everyone experiencing grief can greatly benefit from counseling, but especially suicide survivors.

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True....but the grief process accompanying suicide is further complicated by the stigma associated with suicide. Because of that stigma, it is often more difficult for the survivors to talk about their feelings of shame, guilt, anger, etc. Everyone experiencing grief can greatly benefit from counseling, but especially suicide survivors.

I agree with this.

steph

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Specializes in ER, Occupational Health, Cardiology.

I once worked with a nurse in the ER whose boyfriend was a Paramedic. He called her at work one night, and while she was talking to him he shot himself in the head. Supposedly, she wanted to break up and he didn't. What ever the reason, it is awful for the family left behind and for your friend. None of them asked for this kind of violence to enter their lives. I am so sorry that this happened to your friend on top of all else that she has been through. Please tell her that we are wishing her well.

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I agree completely that mental illness is a terrible thing to those suffering and their loved ones. The impact can be enormous and the pain may not show or be tangible to others, but is indeed truly real and many times much more painful than actual physical pain. I get it... I don't think another psych rotation is in order at all. I stand by my personal decisions for my own reasons. Please don't judge me by this, everyone has their own ways of coping.

I have had no less than a dozen people very close to me commit suicide beginning with my first serious boyfriend in high school, my OB doc when I was 8 mos preggers with my twins, another boyfriend (not while I was with him though), my best friend's brother, "my" nurse from my docs that I had since I was a kid and saw 2x a month (she is the reason I think I wanted to be a nurse as a kid- I always thought of her as my very own nurse as I had her since I was about 4 until I was 17 when she died). A couple family members, a friend's teenage son, siblings of great friends, etc. The list goes on and on.

I just plain don't like funerals and have only been to two my whole life- my mom's & my grams. Maybe the avoidance of funerals of suicide victims is my way of coping as each and every single one makes me think of all the people I have known and stirs things up again. I haven't had a migraine in months and today I have the whopper of 'em all so obviously it is stressful.

That being said, I will support my friend in any way she needs.

When I die, no funeral. Just cremate me and take me somewhere beautiful and let me fly. Have a little service there if you must, but just don't cry, know that I am in a better place.

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Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.

Take care of yourself, kukukajoo. This has got to be hard for you. When our friends hurt, we hurt too. And that kind of stress is hard to deal with.

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What a horrible waste of a life given by God, I am so saddened that those who would choose to live would have their lives taken away from them and their loved ones suddenly , while others choose to reject the gift of life. So hard to wrap one's mind around this.

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Specializes in Emergency Room, Cardiology, Medicine.

Thank the lord she didn't go over there. Who knows what could have happened. Part of me wonders whether she will be more likely to recover because of how her boyfriend seemed to be.. controlling... and obviously self-destructive. I imagine this being so much more painful if they had a wonderful relationship and he died in an accident or from a disease.

Tell your friend you're there when she needs to talk. As a nurse, you can help determine whether she's progressing in her healing or falling back a little. I guess anyone can do that, but I do think.. since becoming a nurse... I can read people better in situations like that.

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I haven't seen any mention but I will go there....depending on the families and friends religious convictions this can be equally hard to deal with. I know growing up in a small town, God fearing community, the notion of someone committing suicide automatically starts the "he/she is damned to hell" talks. Those types of talks, either true or false, put added pressure on those desperately trying to cope with these types of tragedies.

My friend from high school, (we grew up in a town of less than 500 people), who committed suicide, his family was forbidden from having a traditional "church" service. He was given a graveside funeral and it was done by the families pastor who flung the Hell word no less than 20 times. Like I said, whether you believe or not, death, especially suicides, are hard enough to cope with and try to make some semblance of sense out of without "religious" talk making things worse.

No matter why, most of the time those left behind never know what the person was thinking when they did this.... it, as do all deaths, has the harshest effects on those that are left behind. Let the "why" be buried with this man.

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Two years ago I lost a close friend to suicide. There were no warning signs that I had seen. It has been the most devastating loss of my life. I think about him daily, although I am again able to live my life. Many people have offered great advice on this site. In my opinion, the one most important thing we can do for survivors of suicide is to be be there for them, listen when they need to vent, be a shoulder to lean on. A reason that suicide is different from most other losses is because there is never closure. "Is there something I missed?" "Could I have stopped this, if only I'd seen the signs?" Regarding the previous post, I went to my paster with the loss of my friend. He eased my pain by telling me that only God can judge him. ALL sins are equal and we will have to explain to GOD after we pass. So, I believe my friend is in heaven, and I'll see him again someday. I know this is not a religious forum, I just wanted to share my story and what helped me, so that we can help others experiencing a similar loss and similar feelings.

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Specializes in N/A.

It's a very tragic situation, but not uncommon. I dated a real nice guy for some time. While we dated he mentioned suicide to me. Never in a million years did I think he would follow through on this. It was like 8 yrs. after we dated, that I found out he had taken his life. It was one of the worst times in my life. I often found myself blaming myself for not sharing this with his family. It has been almost 16yrs. and I still find myself questioning myself about this. The way I deal with his passing is on his Birthday, Anniversary Date and other Special Events; I make it a point to visit his grave. I have accepted that he made the choice to take his life not me. I often pray for his soul, and his family. Because I know that no matter how much time passes it never gets easier. And to actually lose a loved one to suicide has to be that much harder. So, please just reassure your friend it's not her fault. And, although she might carry this burden for a long time. Have her seek professional help in dealing with this. And, having :redpinkhe loving friends around her will make it easier for her to cope. Thanks, And GOD Bless Her and You for being such a WONDERFUL FRIEND!:heartbeat:redbeathe

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Specializes in ICU, Informatics.

While I was in Nursing School, my best friend, also a nursing student committed suicide. I am now 52 years old and can honestly say that this was the worse thing that I have experienced in my life thus far. There is of course guilt, anger and incredible sadness. I had no idea that my heart could feel such hurt, it actually felt like it had broken in two. Trying to understand the why was impossible. I remember feeling numb and detached from reality. I really just wanted to wake up and have it all be a bad dream.

Our nursing school had a memorial for her and I spoke at it, my family begged me not to speak, they didn't think I could or should do it. I found it healing and I think it helped me really say good-bye.

Even today, I cannot fathom what could have been so bad that this was the ultimate answer. I still miss Jeanine, but we will not grow old together the way we talked about.

My family and friends tried to avoid talking about her or bringing up the suicide. I think that talking about her and what happened helped me come to terms with her suicide. Writing poetry has also helped me. I still pray for her, her family and myself.

Be there for your friend, don't try to avoid talking about him or her. Encourage her to grieve because that is the natural and healthy thing to do. Help her to move forward and to do something for herself, new haircut, clothes or anything to pamper herself because she really does deserve it.

BikerDi

:cry::crying2:

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