How can a nurse sustain a healthy and happy relationship?

[nicenurse819]

Has anyone else found it difficult to sustain a healthy and happy relationship while working as a nurse? I worked on a CT surgery floor for 6 years as a nurse until the stress finally got to me.

My fiancé pointed out how I was always stressed and couldn’t even enjoy my days off because I was thinking about my next shifts to come. I knew it was ready for a change and have now been working a year on a cardiac intervention unit (yes outpatient but it’s still within the old hospital I used to work).

I thought this job was going well. My stress level went from a 9 or 10 every day to a 1 or 2 at work. I still do 3 12 hour shifts and a lot of my shifts are 5am-5:30pm or 6am-6:30pm. Since they are such early shifts, by the time I get out, go home shower and eat dinner I usually put a show on and fall asleep on the couch.

I never thought this bothered my fiancé until tonight.

Today was his birthday.

I went into work for 5:30am and I ended up not being able to get out until almost 8pm because I was the closing nurse with one other nurse and we had a couple issues with our patients and couldn’t discharge them on time. I kept texting my fiancé to update him apologizing I was stuck at work. But asked him where I could take him out to dinner. 

I got home from work by 8:10pm, changed immediately and took him out to dinner at the restaurant he suggested. I was extremely exhausted during dinner because I had gotten up at 4:30am and worked a 14+ hr day but I didn’t think it was that obvious. When we got home I could tell my fiancé was upset.

We watched a show together and I fell asleep on the couch at 10:30ish. By the time we went to bed I knew he was upset. I had to pry it out of him but he felt as if he spent his birthday alone because I wasn’t present at dinner and for the rest of the night. He said he didn’t care I had to work late but I should power through it because that’s what you do when you love someone.

I tried to explain that I was up really early (probably 4 hrs before home because he works from home most days) and had a long day at work and I never intended to make him feel like that, I apologized profusely but I guess he just feels as though I always use work as an excuse.

He said it’s not just today it’s all the time when he feels like he doesn’t see me during the week because I’m so tired after my shifts and just fall asleep on the couch.

I told him I can talk to my manager and try to have them put me on the 7am shifts and take me off 5am and 6am shifts as much as possible since other nurses like this shift. I told him I had no idea it bothered him that much until tonight. He still seems upset but I just feel like he truly doesn’t understand the exhaustion when you get up so early and work such long shifts.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this before? If so, how did you cope and what advice do you have for me. 

- A very tired nurse 

[NightNerd, MSN, RN]

How many days off do you get during the week (I'm assuming four if it's still 12s)? Do you feel you have more energy on those days? If so, would making specific plans for quality time on those days be helpful?

Working off-hours can make it more difficult to connect with a partner who works traditional hours - but it doesn't have to cause irreparable harm to the relationship. Takes a little more planning, is all, along with realistic expectations on both sides. I know after a 12-hour shift, I'm not participating in any meaningful activities beyond dinner and maybe a TV show together, and so does my boyfriend. Knowing that, I try to take PTO on big days, such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc., so that I can be fully present (I know that is not always possible, depending on unit needs and all that.) And we try to have at least preliminary plans in place for weekends we have off together so there's something to look forward to - that way I don't feel as bad falling asleep when we're just watching TV or whatever on a Wednesday night.

I get why your fiance may be feeling a little lonely during these long shifts, but it sounds like you're making every effort to be present when you're spending time together, especially on his birthday. I hope you're able to reach a good compromise so you can spend meaningful time together without you having to be stretched so thin.

[ladedah1, BSN, RN]

I can actually summarize how my relationship has survived my nursing career in two hyphenated words: Part-Time.

Seriously.  Stress level is virtually nonexistent when you cut out just one shift a week.  Energy recovers easily, too.  I'm not saying that I'm less tired after work days... it's just that the lingering emotional exhaustion isn't really there.  Work is a blip in your life... not the other way around.

Though it probably doesn't hurt that I've been with my husband for forever, either.  After all... any spouse that can survive the "nursing school" phase, can probably hack it through the career phase just fine?

[DaniannaRN, ASN, BSN]

TBH, your fiance sounds exhausting.  Of course you know him better than we do, but from what you're saying here, he sounds needy and whiney.  Were you already a nurse when he met you?  He needs to realize that you also need to work and can't just leave early because it's his bday.  He's (presumably) an adult and sometimes adults cannot celebrate their bday on the actual day.  Do you make more than him?  My ex husband was similar to what you describe in your fiance.  The main issue was that my ex was angry that I made a lot more than him (which didn't bother me at all, we were married so it's joint money).  My current husband is very supportive of my job and if I have to do OT.  If I succeed at work, the family succeeds.  That's how your fiance should be looking at it too.

He was correct to point out that you were always stressed in your prior job.  However, this concerns me:  "He said he didn’t care I had to work late but I should power through it because that’s what you do when you love someone."  He's incorrect with that, and manipulative people usually say things like that (not saying he is, I don't know him).  If you love someone, you understand that sometimes they had a tiring day at work and need to rest.  How is he with you?  Does he practice what he's lecturing you about?  Would he "power through" his extreme fatigue to go out to dinner?  Even if he would, it doesn't mean you have to.  He works from home.  I do too so I'm well aware it's nothing like having to commute/be on your feet/deal with people all day.

Life is a balancing act.  Family always comes first, but your fiance needs to chill out and stop putting pressure on you.  You said you feel less stressed in this job, so that's great.  It's time for a serious talk with him.  You should also compromise on your end and take some time for him, make him feel wanted/needed.  Both of you can take a week off and do something together.  But let him know that the guilting/whining/etc needs to stop.  Tell him that you appreciate him caring about your stress levels, but he's not helping by whining about his bday or telling you to power thru your fatigue.  He's not your child, he's your adult fiance and should be able to come up with solutions.  Don't feel pressured to quit or alter your hours if you are less stressed with these hours. 

Finally, please pay attention to his other behaviors regarding your job and success at work.  IMO, it's just not normal behavior to be constantly hurt and making someone apologize "profusely" for having to work.  You only need to apologize once (if at all).  He doesn't need to accept your apology, but he needs to stop the pouting. 

  

[Davey Do]

How can a nurse sustain a happy and healthy relationship?

When one's partner is also a nurse.

[RNperdiem, RN]

You have a lower stress job with a fantastic schedule- the kind of outpatient job a lot of us dream about. Too bad you aren't getting the support at home. Do you support his working schedule? Are you the one expected to do all the work to make things work?

I thought about my 12 hour weekend shifts when the kids were young. He would understand that I should be tired after a twelve hour shift, so he would have my favorite dinners ready, the kids taken care of and the house clean. Just like I do for him and supporting his career.

[nicenurse819]

4 hours ago, DaniannaRN said:

TBH, your fiance sounds exhausting.  Of course you know him better than we do, but from what you're saying here, he sounds needy and whiney.  Were you already a nurse when he met you?  He needs to realize that you also need to work and can't just leave early because it's his bday.  He's (presumably) an adult and sometimes adults cannot celebrate their bday on the actual day.  Do you make more than him?  My ex husband was similar to what you describe in your fiance.  The main issue was that my ex was angry that I made a lot more than him (which didn't bother me at all, we were married so it's joint money).  My current husband is very supportive of my job and if I have to do OT.  If I succeed at work, the family succeeds.  That's how your fiance should be looking at it too.

He was correct to point out that you were always stressed in your prior job.  However, this concerns me:  "He said he didn’t care I had to work late but I should power through it because that’s what you do when you love someone."  He's incorrect with that, and manipulative people usually say things like that (not saying he is, I don't know him).  If you love someone, you understand that sometimes they had a tiring day at work and need to rest.  How is he with you?  Does he practice what he's lecturing you about?  Would he "power through" his extreme fatigue to go out to dinner?  Even if he would, it doesn't mean you have to.  He works from home.  I do too so I'm well aware it's nothing like having to commute/be on your feet/deal with people all day.

Life is a balancing act.  Family always comes first, but your fiance needs to chill out and stop putting pressure on you.  You said you feel less stressed in this job, so that's great.  It's time for a serious talk with him.  You should also compromise on your end and take some time for him, make him feel wanted/needed.  Both of you can take a week off and do something together.  But let him know that the guilting/whining/etc needs to stop.  Tell him that you appreciate him caring about your stress levels, but he's not helping by whining about his bday or telling you to power thru your fatigue.  He's not your child, he's your adult fiance and should be able to come up with solutions.  Don't feel pressured to quit or alter your hours if you are less stressed with these hours. 

Finally, please pay attention to his other behaviors regarding your job and success at work.  IMO, it's just not normal behavior to be constantly hurt and making someone apologize "profusely" for having to work.  You only need to apologize once (if at all).  He doesn't need to accept your apology, but he needs to stop the pouting. 

  

Thank you for your response! He is the primary breadwinner but I still have to work full time to pay for our bills. He tried explaining that he was hurt because for my birthday he drops everything to make me feel special. And he sat at my moms house for hours even though he’s allergic to cats for me. This bothered me because he always complains about going to my moms house because of the cats yet we find ourselves at his dads house every weekend. It was honestly and extremely eye opening experience. He’s a very stubborn person and can be impossible to talk things out with because every time I offer some feedback he just jumps to “I know im just the worst. Im a terrible person!” He doesn’t understand how to have an adult conversation to work things out.  I was truly hurt by what he said because I did make every effort to celebrate his birthday by taking him out to dinner after my 14 hr shift. His complaint was that I was acting tired. He did end up apologizing the next day for what he said. I think he realized that what he said was just extremely inconsiderate and hurtful. I agree that he needs to cut the whining but don’t know how to tell him this nicely. Sorry to unload all of this on you. You just seem to offer good advice! :) 

[mimibrown, ADN, BSN]

My husband doesn’t work in health care, so he doesn’t completely “get it.” But he is very understanding and supportive. I have also worked on units that have drained the life out of me, and he was patient as I transitioned to a new lower stress area. 

I would recommend that you can try to find ways to make your home life more smooth. If I had to work on my husband’s birthday, I would plan something another day so I could be present emotionally. Try to plan around your schedule for special occasions. Fwiw, your fiancé has to get used to the schedule and the life of a nurse. He needs to learn how to be adaptable because we work long hours. 

If my husband gave me a hard time after working a 14 hour shift and still mustering up energy to go out to dinner, he would get an earful from me! He knows I work hard, and he understands when I have had a long shift/ week and he tries to be supportive. It sounds like you need to try and get on the same page before you get married. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is resentful because you have a non traditional schedule. 

[DaniannaRN, ASN, BSN]

On 9/16/2022 at 2:31 PM, nicenurse819 said:

Thank you for your response! He is the primary breadwinner but I still have to work full time to pay for our bills. He tried explaining that he was hurt because for my birthday he drops everything to make me feel special. And he sat at my moms house for hours even though he’s allergic to cats for me. This bothered me because he always complains about going to my moms house because of the cats yet we find ourselves at his dads house every weekend. It was honestly and extremely eye opening experience. He’s a very stubborn person and can be impossible to talk things out with because every time I offer some feedback he just jumps to “I know im just the worst. Im a terrible person!” He doesn’t understand how to have an adult conversation to work things out.  I was truly hurt by what he said because I did make every effort to celebrate his birthday by taking him out to dinner after my 14 hr shift. His complaint was that I was acting tired. He did end up apologizing the next day for what he said. I think he realized that what he said was just extremely inconsiderate and hurtful. I agree that he needs to cut the whining but don’t know how to tell him this nicely. Sorry to unload all of this on you. You just seem to offer good advice! ?

When he says things like this "I know im just the worst. Im a terrible person!” that's just another tactic to get you to stop talking about your problems and to focus on reassuring him.  Do you get into the "oh no you're not terrible" convo with him?  If so, stop it.  Also, if he's very difficult to talk to or have serious discussions with him, you two probably really need couples counseling before you get married.  If you can't discuss this with him, how will you talk to him about anything else?  What if he starts letting his friends or family disrespect  you, or he changes his mind on having kids (for example)?  Or worst of all (IMO), he starts making serious decisions without your input or spending "his" money without consulting with you?  I'm not telling you to leave him.  I'm just saying that you should tell him that ya'll need couples counseling before you get married.  Tell him your relationship depends on it.  If he says no, or stalls, there's your answer on how serious he is.  He told you if you loved him you would power thru your fatigue, right?  Well, tell him if he loved you he will go to couples counseling right away.  Don't let him flip it on you or try to deflect by telling you all the things you've done wrong.

I only know about this because my first husband was physically and mentally abusive to me.  And he started out just like your fiance.  I'm not saying your fiance is/will be abusive, I'm just saying that's how my ex started out.  I couldn't talk to him, I was always apologizing for doing things (like working), he would do something small then throw it up in my face for months.  I couldn't tell him anything was bothering me.  After we got married, he escalated to verbal/physical abuse, making major financial decisions without consulting me, lending money to his friends.  If I would have nipped his behavior early on, before we were married, I either would not have married him or at least wouldn't have been abused.  

People will show you a glimpse of who they are before you marry them.  Believe them when they do that and don't try to explain it away or make excuses for that behavior.  People who act like this before you're even married will only get worse after since they already got you and in their mind, you can't go anywhere.  I'm not trying to make this a lecture or anything, it's just that I never want anyone to make a mistake and marry the wrong person.  You should be able to talk to your partner about anything and they should be able to hear you out, without whining or deflecting or trying to make you reassure them.  

Good luck and don't let anyone do these subtle manipulation tactics.  You can PM me if you're not sure about something he's doing, if it's abusive or not.  

[CKPM2RN, ASN, EMT-P]

On 9/16/2022 at 8:40 AM, Davey Do said:

How can a nurse sustain a happy and healthy relationship?

When one's partner is also a nurse.

Or at least in a similar profession. Firefighters, paramedics, cops, all crazy hours, everyone understands that your tired, and no one celebrates things on the actual day because sometimes your shifts just fall on those days.

[kdkout, BSN, RN]

IMO, You are probably not with the right person and you lack boundaries.  Nobody plans a bunch of stuff (or anything at all) after working those hours. It’s not possible.  

Do you think it’s going to get easier with kids? It’s not. Even if you can go part time, once you live together and start raising a family with this guy,  you will be doing the work of a sahm, too 

The fact that you keep bending over backwards to please him - especially when he’s acting like a man-baby and whining- speaks volumes. This is not a healthy relationship. 

Start working on your personal boundaries and codependency issues. Everyone in nursing has them, and we all need to do this, including me. If your relationship can weather you getting a backbone and you both can change, great. If he hates the new boundaries you are setting and pouts, Get Out asap. 

[toomuchbaloney]

On 9/16/2022 at 10:31 AM, nicenurse819 said:

Thank you for your response! He is the primary breadwinner but I still have to work full time to pay for our bills. He tried explaining that he was hurt because for my birthday he drops everything to make me feel special. And he sat at my moms house for hours even though he’s allergic to cats for me. This bothered me because he always complains about going to my moms house because of the cats yet we find ourselves at his dads house every weekend. It was honestly and extremely eye opening experience. He’s a very stubborn person and can be impossible to talk things out with because every time I offer some feedback he just jumps to “I know im just the worst. Im a terrible person!” He doesn’t understand how to have an adult conversation to work things out.  I was truly hurt by what he said because I did make every effort to celebrate his birthday by taking him out to dinner after my 14 hr shift. His complaint was that I was acting tired. He did end up apologizing the next day for what he said. I think he realized that what he said was just extremely inconsiderate and hurtful. I agree that he needs to cut the whining but don’t know how to tell him this nicely. Sorry to unload all of this on you. You just seem to offer good advice! ?

Think very carefully about this tendency to minimize you.  I recommend that you decide to be friends and not lovers with this fellow because my experience indicates that he is likely become more of these things as he ages...more inconsiderate, stubborn, manipulative or hurtful will not be a happy or satisfying life for you. I've known an unfortunate number of unpleasant old men who regularly hurt the people who love them. Don't be one of those lovers. 

Good luck.