hospice and personal struggle

tencat · May 1, 2010

akRN, you are not alone! My mother died in 2001, and looking back on the events leading up to her death, I never noticed the end of life signs, either. I look at pictures of her now taken within the last 8 months of her life, and I think "How on EARTH did I miss how sick she was???" as she looked like the walking dead at that time. She died very suddenly, probably of a cardiac arrhythmia, and it was a HUGE shock to me, even though I knew she had been ill.

I think it's denial and the horror of facing such a huge loss that keeps up blind. It is a BIG deal to lose a parent, no matter how old you are. It doesn't make you a bad nurse. It's a lot easier to see the progression of disease when we can be objective about the patient. We are not able to be objective about someone we love dearly. And that's ok. That being said, I do see my mother at times in my patients, and I am aware that I do. I do have dreams like the one you described, and I'm not sure what they're telling me. Right now I'm taking a break from hospice nursing to step back and deal with the losses I've had of patients I had grown to love. I'm feeling overwhelmed by death at the moment, and I need to step back.

It hasn't been very long since your mother died, and you are still dealing with it and grieving. Maybe you need to take some time off for yourself to regroup.

leslie :-D · May 1, 2010

akrn, you are sooooo not alone.

when my mom was dx'd w/leukemia in 2004, she died 4 wks later...

never, ever noticed anything off about her.

my dtr has been going through testing, r/t gi problems, and this mom has lost ALL perspective.

i've had meltdowns, panic attacks and have deemed myself totally inept when it comes to nursing our own.

so please, accept that there is no comparison when it is a loved one, vs professional.

i am very calm and poised w/my pts, but a total nutjob with my family.

it is what it is.

tencat is right...maybe you need to take some time off and regroup.

your grieving process is very new.

much peace to you and yours.

leslie

tewdles, RN · May 1, 2010

Definitely not alone....my mom died from COPD in July 2008.

I took a week off and returned to work only to have my very first visit be a death call for a woman of similar age, also from COPD.

The bottom line is that you are grieving and you need a bit of time. Hopefully your employer will be responsive to your needs. Get in touch with your bereavement department and arrange for some face time with those wonderful people.

Good luck to you, and I am sorry for your loss.

akRN68 · May 2, 2010

Tencat...thank you so much for your reply. Just knowing that I am feeling and experiencing things others have makes this so much easier. I am convinced that I'll work my way through this but I'm also giving myself permission to do what I need for me.

I think it is amazing that seeing mom in my patients at times makes me more alike than different. From reading the replies here I've found that be objective with family just doesn't work. I am actually giggling thinking of how I'm a complete mess when it comes to family but I"m absolutely calm with my patients. Amazing....

Thanking you again very much for taking the time to write here. :)

AK

akRN68 · May 2, 2010

akRN, you are not alone! My mother died in 2001, and looking back on the events leading up to her death, I never noticed the end of life signs, either. I look at pictures of her now taken within the last 8 months of her life, and I think "How on EARTH did I miss how sick she was???" as she looked like the walking dead at that time. She died very suddenly, probably of a cardiac arrhythmia, and it was a HUGE shock to me, even though I knew she had been ill.
I think it's denial and the horror of facing such a huge loss that keeps up blind. It is a BIG deal to lose a parent, no matter how old you are. It doesn't make you a bad nurse. It's a lot easier to see the progression of disease when we can be objective about the patient. We are not able to be objective about someone we love dearly. And that's ok. That being said, I do see my mother at times in my patients, and I am aware that I do. I do have dreams like the one you described, and I'm not sure what they're telling me. Right now I'm taking a break from hospice nursing to step back and deal with the losses I've had of patients I had grown to love. I'm feeling overwhelmed by death at the moment, and I need to step back.
It hasn't been very long since your mother died, and you are still dealing with it and grieving. Maybe you need to take some time off for yourself to regroup.

akrn, you are sooooo not alone.
when my mom was dx'd w/leukemia in 2004, she died 4 wks later...
never, ever noticed anything off about her.
my dtr has been going through testing, r/t gi problems, and this mom has lost ALL perspective.
i've had meltdowns, panic attacks and have deemed myself totally inept when it comes to nursing our own.
so please, accept that there is no comparison when it is a loved one, vs professional.
i am very calm and poised w/my pts, but a total nutjob with my family.
it is what it is.
tencat is right...maybe you need to take some time off and regroup.
your grieving process is very new.
much peace to you and yours.
leslie

Leslie..Thank you so much!! I love the part where you say "and this mom has lost ALL perspective" because I can relate to that 100%. I'm a mess when it comes to family. Thank you for writing and just know that I feel more a part of knowing what I feel and experiencing isn't really that strange. :)

I'll keep you and your daughter in my thoughts..............

AK

caliotter3 · May 2, 2010

I think posting about your experiences here should be a good form of release for you. As time goes on this will change and the upsetting thoughts will diminish. Know that you can vent here with all us 'strangers' any time you wish.

akRN68 · May 2, 2010

Definitely not alone....my mom died from COPD in July 2008.
I took a week off and returned to work only to have my very first visit be a death call for a woman of similar age, also from COPD.
The bottom line is that you are grieving and you need a bit of time. Hopefully your employer will be responsive to your needs. Get in touch with your bereavement department and arrange for some face time with those wonderful people.
Good luck to you, and I am sorry for your loss.

OH wow!! A week off. I don't think I could do it. I barely made it after three. And my mom had pulmonary htn, pulmonary edema, copd and chronic renal failure, a-fib (oh crap...the list is TOO long). A lot of my patients are pulmonary and I just see her a lot in my patients. You are not alone either with the similar age thing. I lost a patient several weeks ago that was 66yrs old and I just handled it (in the moment). I think that what makes us good hospice nurses is that we are able to channel that emotional part yet stay far enough detached to be effective and safe. I agree with you about my grieving though and I think that I'll benefit from bereavement counseling as well. Our chaplain has offered to get me in contact with additional help. I think Monday I'll take her up on that.

Thank you so much for writing here. Your words are comforting.

AK

akRN68 · May 2, 2010

I think posting about your experiences here should be a good form of release for you. As time goes on this will change and the upsetting thoughts will diminish. Know that you can vent here with all us 'strangers' any time you wish.

thank you so much caliotter :) I appreciate your words and yes...venting is a good thing. :)

ak

brokenvessel · May 2, 2010

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my mom when I was 11yrs old (:vlin:) and it has shaped me in a way no other event in my life could have. I'm over 50 now. A few years back a pt's dtr mentioned a good resource, which I looked into, thought it might help you in your grieving journey. It's a book called Motherless Daughters. I googled it, and ended up buying the book for myself and my sisters also, along with an audio cd of Motherless Mothers (even though my children are adults.) You might look on amazon.com and get it pretty cheap, that's what I did. I still grieve for my mother, and I'm pretty sure I always will, at different times, in different ways.

One bit of advice: when you feel a 'moment' coming on, a thought, feeling, memory, etc, that reminds you of your mom...if at all possible embrace it right then and there. If you have to finish your visit and go out to the car to do it, do it then, as soon as possible. This will help you move through your grief, not stuff it down inside. If you 'stuff it' it has to come out eventually, and it Will. Talk with your manager, and let him/her know you're struggling. (personally, I think you should be afforded some professional courtesy and leeway to process this, given the nature of Hospice nursing.) Your manager should understand and be supportive. God bless you (hope that's not offensive of me to say that to you).:hug:

sophie

akRN68 · May 3, 2010

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my mom when I was 11yrs old (:vlin:) and it has shaped me in a way no other event in my life could have. I'm over 50 now. A few years back a pt's dtr mentioned a good resource, which I looked into, thought it might help you in your grieving journey. It's a book called Motherless Daughters. I googled it, and ended up buying the book for myself and my sisters also, along with an audio cd of Motherless Mothers (even though my children are adults.) You might look on amazon.com and get it pretty cheap, that's what I did. I still grieve for my mother, and I'm pretty sure I always will, at different times, in different ways.
One bit of advice: when you feel a 'moment' coming on, a thought, feeling, memory, etc, that reminds you of your mom...if at all possible embrace it right then and there. If you have to finish your visit and go out to the car to do it, do it then, as soon as possible. This will help you move through your grief, not stuff it down inside. If you 'stuff it' it has to come out eventually, and it Will. Talk with your manager, and let him/her know you're struggling. (personally, I think you should be afforded some professional courtesy and leeway to process this, given the nature of Hospice nursing.) Your manager should understand and be supportive. God bless you (hope that's not offensive of me to say that to you).:hug:
sophie

Thank you so much. I am beginning to understand that we never really get over losing a parent. Maybe we just learn to cope. That is the best we can do. I just realized mothers day is here or close and I'm dreading it. However, I'm going to find a way to celebrate my mom even though she isn't here. I'm going to take her advice and "put a smile on and make the decision to be upbeat and think positive thoughts". You know, mom's words are all tucked away. That's a good thing. Thank you again so much. :)

AK

allnurses Guide · May 3, 2010

Thank you nurses for sharing your personal experiences. I don't work in hospice but in a home with multiple family members with the same disease process, 2 have passed away. My mom is beginning a pretty rapid decline right now from br ca and my whole body feels almost rigid as if I was bracing for a huge impact. Maybe it's because I've been dealing day in and day out for 3 years helping the surviving members of this family deal with the death of their parent and their youngest sibling.

I know I have to navigate the shoals of when and how much time to take off, but it's really a comfort to read about other people's issues with parents passing away and the day to day realities of our work. Thanks. :redpinkhe