Hi, I'm new to allnurses and so glad I found a place to "talk". I am a hospice RN case manager. I LOVE my job and I feel my place is hospice. Here's the problem............
My mother died (64 yrs old) November 23 of this year. I took three weeks off to travel home and deal with funeral, dad and after death things. ie...legal junk. Ok the thing is this, she died five weeks after I moved out of state. BEFORE I left I had a long talk with her and told her I was thinking of staying for awhile and she was absolute in telling me "no, you have to go. Your place is with your husband and my grandson". I am haunted by her saying this to me for some reason. I wonder often if she knew it was time. her time? I also wonder how I missed the EOL signs. I see those same signs/symptoms daily yet...............I missed those with her.
Also, my first day back on the job I was called to do a death visit. I did it with no problem but I'm haunted by that death especially. I dream (several times a month) about going into that home, and round the corner, up the stairs and as I enter the room my mother is in that bed and I have to do my job. I'm awaken at this point. I never actually pronounce the death in my dream.
I'm wondering if ANYONE else has had anything close to what I'm talking about. I am fearful that me missing the signs of death with mom that maybe I'm not as good a nurse as I should be for hospice. It is crazy I think. Sometimes I think I'm just a mess but 99.9% of the time I'm ok. It is just those "sometimes" bother me. I welcome your words and advice.
Specializes in home health, hospice, clinic, telemetry.
Thank you nurses for sharing your personal experiences. I don't work in hospice but in a home with multiple family members with the same disease process, 2 have passed away. My mom is beginning a pretty rapid decline right now from br ca and my whole body feels almost rigid as if I was bracing for a huge impact. Maybe it's because I've been dealing day in and day out for 3 years helping the surviving members of this family deal with the death of their parent and their youngest sibling.
I know I have to navigate the shoals of when and how much time to take off, but it's really a comfort to read about other people's issues with parents passing away and the day to day realities of our work. Thanks. :redpinkhe
I feel for you and sithere sending warm thoughts to you!! Being around any person with a terminal illness is draining. I hope you have peace and know that what you are doing now and have been for the past three years makes such a difference.
For one, as you have read previously you are not alone. This is a great place to express your self. I haven't lost my parents, but have lost my Grandparents. Both losses were traumatic for me as I was very very close to my Grandmothers especially. Even though it's been 4 years for one and 2 years for the other Grandmother, I still hear their voices today. I believe it's part of the grieving process, where we each go through it in our own time, our own way. I was not present at the death of my Grandmothers, and I believe that God wanted it that way for me. He wanted for me to not remember Her for the last days, but to remember the other days, full of laughter, life and fun, not remembering her "that" way.
I am studying to be an RN, so this is just from experience of working in Hospice, but know that it is difficult to "see" with family. Sometimes, we just don't want to, because lets face it, it's Our Family.
If you can, go back to your Father and spend a few days with Him, that might help you.
akRN68
27 Posts
I feel for you and sithere sending warm thoughts to you!! Being around any person with a terminal illness is draining. I hope you have peace and know that what you are doing now and have been for the past three years makes such a difference.
AK