Have I finally adjusted emotionally to being stigmatized?

rn1965, ADN · Jul 10, 2019

Yes, I get it. I will have a permanent black mark, as well. And I know the HR people are likely just following some protocol sent down from the "powers that be".

Probably working off a check list and when they get to that part, the box says, "nope, pick someone else!".

But, I am glad you responded!

catmom1, BSN, RN · Jul 10, 2019

Thanks for your comment.

Just recently, I had to reapply to a contract job I have had for five years because the company was bought out by a bigger one.

They did a background check, e-verify, and a urine drug screen. During that last one, I had to tell myself not to act too familiar with that procedure, lest the tech know that I had been doing observed screens for years. At least this recent one let me go into the stall by myself.

The whole process was so mechanical that I was glad that there were no problems with any of it.

Anyway, even though you are the only one who's responded to my post, I knew my homies here would get what I was saying. This is in spite of the fact that I haven't been posting here much lately.

catsmeow1972, BSN, RN · Jul 11, 2019

I long ago gave up trying to explain just how permanent the ‘black mark’ of these probation/monitoring/punishment/whatever programs are. People that have not been in this hell don’t realize how depressing it is to do everything you possibly can in the realm of recovery, maintenance of your issue that brought you to the attention of a BON/program etc. and yet never ever be forgiven.

Back at the start, I used to cry with every rejection or rescinding of an offer. After leaving the only crummy job I could get because i was scared for my license, I even gave up trying for a while. Along the way somewhere I concluded that if someone was going to reject me because of my supposed ‘sins’ then those were probably not the kind of people that I wanted to be working for anyway.

I used to be appallingly embarrassed at the idea that there was something on my license there for the world to see. As time has gone on, I have ceased caring. Want to read it? Go ahead, have fun. The way I see it, If someone is going to make an employment decision based on information that is that old, it’s their loss. We can hold our heads up and know that we are damn good nurses.

VykingboyRN · Jul 11, 2019

You are getting it! You had a disease in search of treatment, not a crime in search of a punishment.

You jumped through the hoops, and bounced back from the “edge,” and that says more about you than the “black mark.”

Think outside the Nursing Box, and get a position that “deserves” you.

You got this, your mindset tells me you have determined you deserve better.

Surviving what you have makes Nursing School look like pre-K, and I am proud of your accomplishments and frame of mind.

Who wouldn’t hire that? You’ll be telling us a success story in the years to come.

...And give hope to others, who are where you are now, I believe that.

When you grasp it 100%, that you are “square with the house,” things will start to look up. Grasp it soon!

We need that spirit in production;)

tbrn11882 · Jul 11, 2019

It took me what felt like a million interviews to find a job when I was reinstated on probation. I cried after every rejection. I have 11 years ICU/CCU/CVICU experience. Their eyes lit up when they sat down with my resume...until I was transparent and honest without over sharing about my discipline and restrictions. I could see their face change like I just smoked crack before the interview lol I was so anxious about being rejected over and over and over I actually felt short of breath. Then, I interviewed at my "last resort" place. Didn't want to do mental health and I didn't want to commute an hour to work. But... God works in mysterious ways. I loved it from the first time I entered the facility. It is drug and alcohol rehab. It's not considered a negative thing to be in recovery there. Some of the nurses I work with were crnas that are now in recovery. And we all know how fortunate we are! My boss is AMAZING!! He even allows us to go and submit our urine on days we are randomly selected to test. Hang in there even though it's exhausting. Pray to be placed where you are meant to be

Wizard 1 · Jul 14, 2019

I left nursing entirely and started my own business when the BON kept giving me static about my lack of clinical experience during my suspension (in spite of having completed CEU's and successfully completed monitoring). I even completed the didactic portion of a refresher course but that wasn't good enough for them. After having messed with trying to return to nursing/get my license straightened out, spending lots of money on attorneys and the emotional rollercoaster, I tried something different on my own.

Now nobody can tell me I'm incapable or hold my permanent black mark over my head. I run my company and call the shots. Almost 19 years clean as well.

catmom1, BSN, RN · Aug 29, 2019

Thanks to all who responded to my first post here. I used to prowl the recovery forum here at least once a day, but I hadn't checked back here since the beginning of August.

I am glad to know that even though I am not active here any more, I have kindred spirits here who have been through a kind of hell that no one could possibly grasp unless they had been there.

We are in a sick profession that treats us like yesterday's trash and then has the nerve to act like it's doing us a favor.

I salute you all as survivors.

OhioFNP · Jan 11, 2020

Hi Catmom,

I’m a nurse practitioner due to be reinstated in March and my 3 years of probation starts when I find employment. I’m definitely going to try to seek employment in addiction due to less stigma. Where are you located at in Ohio? I’m north of Dayton.
Sheena

OhioRN1234 · Jan 11, 2020

Ohio FNP. Good for you! Were you an fnp when this happened to you? I was nearly finished with school to have my fnp when I got in trouble. The thought of going back now makes me sick...

I have nine months left. Black mark forever.

OhioFNP · Jan 11, 2020

Yes, I was a new grad with barely a year experience. I’m just trying to network now and look for possible rehab facilities that would take me on. I know zero nurses that have gone through what I have so it makes this process even more harder to deal with. There are tons of rehab facilities out there but i won’t be able to prescribe suboxone during my first year of probation. But I’m grateful for the opportunity for a second chance but they make it damn near impossible to get back into things especially having this forever black cloud follow me for the rest of my life.

Jhope41831, BSN, RN · Jan 11, 2020

On 7/10/2019 at 8:38 PM, catsmeow1972 said:
I long ago gave up trying to explain just how permanent the ‘black mark’ of these probation/monitoring/punishment/whatever programs are. People that have not been in this hell don’t realize how depressing it is to do everything you possibly can in the realm of recovery, maintenance of your issue that brought you to the attention of a BON/program etc. and yet never ever be forgiven.
Back at the start, I used to cry with every rejection or rescinding of an offer. After leaving the only crummy job I could get because i was scared for my license, I even gave up trying for a while. Along the way somewhere I concluded that if someone was going to reject me because of my supposed ‘sins’ then those were probably not the kind of people that I wanted to be working for anyway.
I used to be appallingly embarrassed at the idea that there was something on my license there for the world to see. As time has gone on, I have ceased caring. Want to read it? Go ahead, have fun. The way I see it, If someone is going to make an employment decision based on information that is that old, it’s their loss. We can hold our heads up and know that we are damn good nurses.

On 7/10/2019 at 12:34 PM, catmom1 said:
Hi fellow nurses in recovery!
I used to come to this forum quite a bit when I was going through my six years of license probation that has left me with a permanent black mark. My state never lets us evil addicts off the hook so my career was destroyed although I've been clean for close to 15 years.
For several years, I have managed to get enough contract/per diem work to survive in spite of having crippling knee arthritis and no health insurance.
Anyway, I had recently applied for another contract, on call type job to add to my "collection" and just this morning got the door slammed in my face because of my "black mark."
The weird thing is that I am not as emotionally upset about this as I normally would be. When I got the email, I mentally shrugged and even responded to it, saying that I know the HR person couldn't care less but wanted them to know that my "crime" happened once 20 years ago. I mentioned that it was because of the medical condition of addiction.
Maybe, just maybe, after all these years, I am retaining some sense of self worth in spite of what my state has done to me professionally.
I personally think that it's a miracle I am alive after all I have endured. This hatred of addicts is a HUGE component of why an average if 130 people die of an opiate overdose every day!
Thanks for reading. You guys get it, even if non-addicts have no clue.
Catmom :paw:

Sorry to hear you are still being punished. We’re you in an assistance program? In PA the assistance program is PNAP. It is supposed to prevent any disciplinary action or public Mark on your license if you complete the program successfully.