Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I was checking my results on affinity and my last test result is positive for alcohol. The problem is, I didn't drink. The only thing I can think might have caused it was some lemon tahini dressing at a vegetarian restaurant I ate at the night before. I've had the same dressing in the past and never had a problem.
The killer in all this is that I am due to complete monitoring in four days. Yes.
Never had any positives during monitoring, nothing but a dilute specimen. I'm not drinking, not using, nothing. And bing.
*Sigh*
I haven't heard from my case manager yet. I'm trying to stay calm and think. Stick to my routine and not worry. I know I do have options, I just can't believe this. After everything I have done, all the scrupulous watching everything I do, eat, drink, and walking on eggshells...BUT we will just wait and see.
I often wonder if these idiots have common sense. They say common sense is not so common! Really you would risk it 4 days before your contract end. That's just dumb. I can't believe they are even looking into it. Again money power and control is what they want. They are losing it and don't like it. Sorry this is happening to you.
SororAKS, all I can say is that I am so sorry this is happening to you. You are such a great source of wisdom regarding recovery and life in general.
Although it probably is not comforting right now (I doubt that much would be) I hope you can take a tiny bit of solace in the fact that you HAVE been able to stay clean and sober for the last 16 years and live a fulfilling life. That's an incredible accomplishment. And no matter what happens, a false positive cannot take that away from you, ever.
I've been thinking of you a lot the past few days since I read your post and I just want you to know that. I don't envy the position you are in but I believe if you can handle this the same way it sounds as if you've handled the last 16 years of your life, then everything will turn out in your favor.
Specializes in ER, ICU/CCU, Open Heart OR Recovery, Etc.
Wow, everybody! Thank you for supporting and believing in me. It really makes a difference. This is such a scary thing. I have strived throughout my contract to follow the directions, communicate well, and have never doubted my ability to get through it successfully. When something like this happens in the absence of a relapse, one really questions themselves and its hard to not start doubting. Its hard to not get discouraged. It is hard to not say "One more thing...".
I've always thought that the larger part of getting through these things is mental. A mind game. The one who stays calm, knowing they have followed the rules to the best of their ability and possessing the wherewithal to stick to the facts is likely to prevail. This is not easy, because this is my return to nursing...yet it is not personal. They have a job to do. So do I.
Finally, yes I do have that 16 years clean. They cannot take that away from me. The takeaway from this, for me, is that I am being shown that this is an issue I separate from my self esteem. It has nothing to do with my self worth as a human being. I have had to remind myself that it is important to keep that right in front of my consciousness. One of the errors I made when I was practicing as a nurse that led to my substance abuse issues was that I thought there was something flawed internally when things were difficult on the outside. Instead of separating my self concept from what was going on around me, I internalized it. I actually thought I could control things if I just worked harder and was a better person.
Thank the gods I know better now.
So regardless of the outcome, I have done the best I can to be compliant with the conditions of my contract and have not relapsed. The only things I have control over are those in my own yard. The actions and decision of my program team members are not within my control. I have stated my case factually, so now I rest and give the outcome to the Universe. There's nothing more that I can do at this point.
Except remember this has nothing to do with me and I have done the best I can...Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Thank you all for listening. I hope my experience helps you all on your journeys. I'll keep you all posted :)
Like the others, I've been thinking about you too and realize it's Sunday which must feel so surreal to you. You should be celebrating...not living in limbo right now.
I am curious, when you spoke to your case manager, did he/she talk to you about the amount/level of your test that came back positive? I would think it would be very small and immediately send of signals that this was incidental exposure and not a relapse. Early on in my contract, I consumed cold medication minutes before testing and showed positive, but they levels were so small that it was easily determined as incidental exposure. I was still held responsible for consuming the medication (lesson learned) but it was not considered a relapse of alcohol.
Was anything like this discussed with regard to your particular situation?
Specializes in ER, ICU/CCU, Open Heart OR Recovery, Etc.
Like the others, I've been thinking about you too and realize it's Sunday which must feel so surreal to you. You should be celebrating...not living in limbo right now.
I am curious, when you spoke to your case manager, did he/she talk to you about the amount/level of your test that came back positive? I would think it would be very small and immediately send of signals that this was incidental exposure and not a relapse. Early on in my contract, I consumed cold medication minutes before testing and showed positive, but they levels were so small that it was easily determined as incidental exposure. I was still held responsible for consuming the medication (lesson learned) but it was not considered a relapse of alcohol.
Was anything like this discussed with regard to your particular situation?
No. Nothing was revealed or discussed.
Yes, I'd planned on celebrating today, but it isn't to be. They are going to discuss it Tuesday, and I was told to keep checking in until then.
Specializes in ER, ICU/CCU, Open Heart OR Recovery, Etc.
Wait...I'm confused...why with 16 years of sobriety are u even IN a monitoring program?.
I left nursing 16 years ago when I had my issues and at that time was not required to go through a program. I wasn't suspended until 5 years later, and at that time I wasn't interested in returning to nursing. However, with the suspension came the requirement that if I DID apply for Reinstatement in the future, I'd have to have three months of complete compliance before I could reapply. There was no deadline for that. Thusly, as a part of my requirements for Reinstatement, I entered the monitoring program. That's how I can say I have 16 years clean. Sounds wonky, yes, but it is what I did.
Omaapecm, ASN, RN
258 Posts
Thats awful!!! I hope everything turns out ok. Just stay calm and keep doing what your doing.