Not sure how to deal with this future classmate...

[tulipsupontulips]

Hi all. I start nursing school in January. I'm a member of a facebook group for my nursing cohort in order to keep up with new information. I also use it to befriend future classmates. In my personal life I'm very happy. I'm in a serious relationship and have been for the past 6 years.

3 weeks ago, one of the guys in my cohort shot me a facebook message. He asked me where I bought my stethoscope. Not anything out of the ordinary for me because I've been approached by future classmates before, only difference this time is that he's a male. But I thought "Eh he got into a very competitive BSN program, so I don't think he's flirting with me. I'm sure he's a mature guy and just wants to get to know people in the cohort..." so I replied to him. He sent me his number so I could text him. Yes, I'm aware this is where I should've drew a line, but I thought he would keep things professional and texted him anyway. My intentions were to keep things friendly, just like with all the other people I talk to in the cohort. He did keep things very professional for the first 2 days. He told me I could go to him if I had any questions because he already knew someone in the program. Then on the 3rd day, he suddenly says "We can study together as long as you don't distract me ;)" I quickly shut him down by telling him "Trust me I won't" and he changed the subject immediately. On Thanksgiving Day he texts me "Happy Thanksgiving!!" I was puzzled because I don't really know the guy well enough to receive a message like that from him. I didn't want to be rude so I replied back "Happy Thanksgiving to you too!" and he says "Oh sorry that was for someone else" at that point, in my opinion, I felt like he was bothered by the fact that I didn't give into his flirtatious text and he wanted to make me feel inferior by telling me the Thanksgiving text was for someone else. Because who takes back a Happy Thanksgiving text even if it was a mistake? I didn't reply to him at all. He texted me a few days later to discuss some things about school. I made some small talk in order to slowly distance myself. Every now and then he talks about himself, but he likes to boast a lot. He mentioned to me "Yeah I live across the Maserati dealership" and "I don't know what I want to do when I graduate... I just want to make tons of money" definitely didn't want to associate with him anymore. He also sends me photos/videos of random things he does daily... like pictures of his lunch, unboxing videos, pictures of his calendar, pictures of him driving home. I ignored his pictures and videos and he continued.

Yesterday I told my boyfriend about the problem and he said I should cut him off slowly... no confrontation because it's not a good idea to make enemies in nursing school. Right after we had that conversation, the guy from my cohort sends me a text at midnight. The text said "Hi" I was already creeped out by him, but this made it worse. My boyfriend said "Don't reply... once he figures out you're not going to respond, he might try to ask you a school related question in order to get back to a safer topic" and that is exactly what happened. He texted me again 20 minutes after the other text and asked "Hey do you have the paper that is needed for the school badge?"

He makes me uncomfortable. As an adult woman, I've had many encounters with clingy men and the red flags were similar to this. This guy will be in my lectures and labs so I can't just get away from him.

[emmjayy, BSN, RN]

I had a similar issue with one of my peer mentees this year, who would text me things very late at night trying to strike up conversation, was flirtatious, etc. Obviously, that made things a whole other level of awkward because it's not like I could ghost him and I wasn't going to ask for him to be reassigned because I'm capable of handling it myself. I simply refused to answer any texts he sent me after 8:30 at night and only responded to texts from him that included questions or concerns about school and ignored the parts of the texts that asked for personal info/tried to engage me on a more personal level. He pretty quickly learned that he wasn't going to get anything out of me and now is very appropriate in terms of his texting.

I would be extremely professional and short with this dude if he continues to text you. Don't worry about him thinking you're rude and making your life hell in nursing school or whatever.... he is only one student out of a large group and he holds exactly zero power over your life/nursing school experience. Additionally, you should rest assured that he is pulling this same stunt with many other women in your class. I highly doubt that he will much care if you drop off his radar.

[Livelaughlove72]

Gotcha. Thanks!

If anyone else wants to give some advice, please feel free to add on...

Like others have said keep everything he sends you just in case the school would need to be involved with it later. I do think it's okay when you pick classes, to respectfully ask your advisor to place you in class/clinical that he isn't placed in when possible. Of course there are no guarantees, and it's very possible there is only one class to take and only one option.

Don't ever plan to be alone with him, even if its on campus and in a study group. In my school students typically work together in groups of at least 3, this may be why. Never send him a same day response, if you send any response, and perhaps this will give him the message to cool off and find another interest. You probably don't know at this point, he could just be some you naive guy who doesn't realize how he's coming across.

Last but not least find out about your school's Title IX policy. This should be in your catalog or handbook, and if it isn't ask an advisor just so you can read it and be familiar.

Best of luck!

[Livelaughlove72]

One more idea, a friend of mine did this when she was a bartender and obviously worked around drunk guys. Find a convincing yet inexpensive wedding/engagement/promise ring and wear it. (Make sure your boyfriend knows why!) This may not help the current situation but most guys will see it and get the message without you having to say anything.

[rkitty198, BSN, RN]

This guy does not sound like he is flirting at all, it sounds like he is a narcissist. He wants to have an ego boost by texting mundane things to make himself look good. You probably are not the only person he sends these texts to. He wants his ego stroked. Living by the mazarati dealership, making tons of money, the text sent to you not meant for you- narcissist all over it. He isn't into you as much as he is into himself

The trash will take itself out anyways. If he is into nursing to make tons of money he won't make it out of the program so less time you have to deal with him.

Just ignore him.

Going to the school is overkill. He hasn't threatened you. You haven't told him to stop therefore you haven't given him the chance to stop. You left the door open for him to begin with. So put boundaries out before you go around harming his reputation by telling other people about his behavior. If anything he is probably a wierd guy who has a hard time making friends because of his personality.

[ThatChickOmi, ADN, RN]

I wouldn't even entertain him. Honestly, if he is making you that uncomfortable, don't engage. Just simply stop responding and/or block him.

Also, and I've learned this from experience, mentioning you have a boyfriend doesn't always stop a very motivated person.

[NICU Guy, BSN, RN]

I also use it to befriend future classmates.

You wanted to become friends with your future classmates or did you intend to only befriend the females in class? There could be a number of possibilities:

1 He has an interest in you beyond friend/classmate despite you having a boyfriend.

2. He is just a flirty male. He has no interest in you beyond friend/ classmate. It is just his personality.

3. He is a needy person that has latched onto you because you keep feeding into it. A female classmate could have easily been the same way.

[NICUMurse87, BSN, RN]

As a guy, I will admit we can be thick sometimes and not take a hint. If you'd rather have nothing to do with him, I'd say just that, "I'd rather not interact with you, I'm in a committed relationship and don't need more friends." It's not your job to make a guy feel better about himself, and if he gets aggressive or won't stop, then it's become harassment and I would get the school involved. But hopefully, he's just a normal, dumb guy who doesn't get subtlety and will leave you alone when you spell it out for him.

[TruvyNurse]

Block him. Not worth the time, energy or negativity. You have bigger fish to fry. Don't tell the school either. You'll look very immature and unprofessional. Just block him and leave it. If he becomes harassing, then you can get others involved

[weaverss]

This guy does not sound like he is flirting at all, it sounds like he is a narcissist. He wants to have an ego boost by texting mundane things to make himself look good. You probably are not the only person he sends these texts to. He wants his ego stroked. Living by the mazarati dealership, making tons of money, the text sent to you not meant for you- narcissist all over it. He isn't into you as much as he is into himself

The trash will take itself out anyways. If he is into nursing to make tons of money he won't make it out of the program so less time you have to deal with him.

Just ignore him.

Exactly. He's totally into himself and sounds like he wants you (and everyone else) to be impressed with him as well. When class starts his attitude likely won't change but it'll be a lot easier to ignore it.

Good luck.

[WVFNP, MSN, APRN]

Seriously?

Shut him down. Tell him you have a boyfriend and you're not interested in speaking/texting/chatting with him. You don't have to be friends with every person in your cohort to succeed in nursing school. Trust me, you'll realize this by the end of your program.

Just to be honest, a guy that into himself is going to be offended no matter how nicely or easily you tell him to back off. My opinion, go all out and tell him to shove it. lol.

[KrCmommy522, BSN, RN]

You haven't said anything about actually telling this guy to stop texting or even that you have a boyfriend who you've been with for 6 years and are in a happy relationship with. It doesn't really sound like he's been flirting, but I can see it making you uncomfortable with the number of texts hes sending. I understand that you are going to have classes with this guy and want to handle things in the best way possible.

1) I would definitely not go to the school about this. First of all, you haven't even started school. This is happenening before school starts. So, it seems like it really isn't there problem. IF, once you start school (and after you tell him to leave you alone), he is still making you uncomfortable, then and only then would I go to the school.

2) You need to speak up for youself. People are not mind readers. You are responding back to him. How does he know you don't want to hear from him anymore? You didn't say anything about saying to him you have a boyfriend. When he said the thing about studying and not distracting him, you could have simply responded back, "Well that won't happen since I've been in a comitted relationship for 6 years." Instead all you said was, "Trust me I won't." That isn't quickly shutting him down, as you said. Quickly shutting him down would have been telling him something like, "I'm not sure if you meant that in a flirty way, but it seemed like it, which makes me uncomfortable because I'm in a relationship and have been for 6 years. Please do not make any type of attempt with flirting with me."

3) If after you tell him that you are in a relationship and that his persistent texting and photos and videos are uncalled for and making you uncomfortable he is still persisting, then block him. Personally, I would have just done it from the start. But that's just me.

"Cutting him off slowly" just adds onto the issue. You keep responding without telling him you aren't interested is not going to solve the issue. Again, he can't read your mind. You haven't even hinted that he's making you uncomfortable or that you aren't interested. So, I would simply say something like, I was looking to get to know some names and get some info about nursing school which is why I joined the Facebook group, but that I only gave you my number to discuss the stethoscope. I am in a relationship, and have been for 6 years, and am not interested in you. I'm not sure if you meant to be flirtly, but that's the way I felt you were being. I have a busy life and I don't really have time to be getting all types of videos and pictures of you doing whatever during the day. Please stop texting me. Thank you. Goodbye." Then, I would block him. People don't know that you block them, so I would just do that. Simply because his persistent texting sounds annoying. There are lots of other people in nursing school, who cares if you alienate this guy?! Even if you have to be in a clinical with him, you can still ignore him. If you are worried about that you can be nicer in your response. You can even blame it on your boyfriend like another poster said. Just say something like, "I'm sorry but our texting is making my boyfriend uncomfortable. I respect him and his wishes, so I would appreciate it if you didn't text me anymore. Thank you. Goodbye." And again, block him.

No matter what, I would block him! Haha! If you don't know how, google it!! But I would definitely do it. If you feel uncomfortable telling him to leave you alone, just block him and be done with it!!

[Orion81RN]

Generally I choose not to be subtle about these things. I've had situations develop into stalking and having to get a protective order because I tried to be polite/avoid conflict. I don't do that anymore. I'm nice once, but after that, I don't take any crap. "I'm not interested in you", "you're making me uncomfortable", "if you don't cut the crap, I'm taking this higher up", etc. I also make it a point to never be alone with people I get any weird vibes from. Don't think you owe this guy a single thing - not even courtesy at this point. Don't feel bad for standing up for yourself either.

Even if you can't "save" every interaction, document it on paper.

THIS!!! Once you've made it clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are not interested, any further action on his part is harrassment. I would even tell him that you don't want him contacting you regarding school issues if what follows tends to be personal. That seems to be his gimmick. Trick you into, oh this is innocent school talk, then BAM!!! making you uncomfortable with telling you personal stuff. If he STILL persists, THATs when you notify the school/instructor just to make sure you don't have to be in any group with him.