Not sure how to deal with this future classmate...

[tulipsupontulips, BSN]

Hi all. I start nursing school in January. I'm a member of a facebook group for my nursing cohort in order to keep up with new information. I also use it to befriend future classmates. In my personal life I'm very happy. I'm in a serious relationship and have been for the past 6 years.

3 weeks ago, one of the guys in my cohort shot me a facebook message. He asked me where I bought my stethoscope. Not anything out of the ordinary for me because I've been approached by future classmates before, only difference this time is that he's a male. But I thought "Eh he got into a very competitive BSN program, so I don't think he's flirting with me. I'm sure he's a mature guy and just wants to get to know people in the cohort..." so I replied to him. He sent me his number so I could text him. Yes, I'm aware this is where I should've drew a line, but I thought he would keep things professional and texted him anyway. My intentions were to keep things friendly, just like with all the other people I talk to in the cohort. He did keep things very professional for the first 2 days. He told me I could go to him if I had any questions because he already knew someone in the program. Then on the 3rd day, he suddenly says "We can study together as long as you don't distract me ;)" I quickly shut him down by telling him "Trust me I won't" and he changed the subject immediately. On Thanksgiving Day he texts me "Happy Thanksgiving!!" I was puzzled because I don't really know the guy well enough to receive a message like that from him. I didn't want to be rude so I replied back "Happy Thanksgiving to you too!" and he says "Oh sorry that was for someone else" at that point, in my opinion, I felt like he was bothered by the fact that I didn't give into his flirtatious text and he wanted to make me feel inferior by telling me the Thanksgiving text was for someone else. Because who takes back a Happy Thanksgiving text even if it was a mistake? I didn't reply to him at all. He texted me a few days later to discuss some things about school. I made some small talk in order to slowly distance myself. Every now and then he talks about himself, but he likes to boast a lot. He mentioned to me "Yeah I live across the Maserati dealership" and "I don't know what I want to do when I graduate... I just want to make tons of money" definitely didn't want to associate with him anymore. He also sends me photos/videos of random things he does daily... like pictures of his lunch, unboxing videos, pictures of his calendar, pictures of him driving home. I ignored his pictures and videos and he continued.

Yesterday I told my boyfriend about the problem and he said I should cut him off slowly... no confrontation because it's not a good idea to make enemies in nursing school. Right after we had that conversation, the guy from my cohort sends me a text at midnight. The text said "Hi" I was already creeped out by him, but this made it worse. My boyfriend said "Don't reply... once he figures out you're not going to respond, he might try to ask you a school related question in order to get back to a safer topic" and that is exactly what happened. He texted me again 20 minutes after the other text and asked "Hey do you have the paper that is needed for the school badge?"

He makes me uncomfortable. As an adult woman, I've had many encounters with clingy men and the red flags were similar to this. This guy will be in my lectures and labs so I can't just get away from him.

[katyq82]

I would find a way to casually mention that you have a boyfriend, like if he asks what you are doing, tell him you are going to the movies (or whatever) with your boyfriend. Then just be super boring and only respond to him once in a while. Once classes start he'll hopefully either focus on school or find someone else to focus his attention on and may not last very long in the program if he's more concerned with texting other students than studying. If the barrage of text messages is getting annoying just tell him you don't need to see what he ate for lunch today

[tulipsupontulips, BSN]

Would it be overkill if I told someone at the school about this? Just in case he continues to do it in person they'll know that I already had a problem with him prior to the beginning of school.

[NICU Guy, BSN, RN]

Would it be overkill if I told someone at the school about this?

Do not contact the school until it becomes a school issue. Next time he texts something, wait 30 minutes and respond "I was out with my boyfriend and missed your text." Keep the texts school related. If he texts you at an inappropriate time or subject, call him out on it.

[tulipsupontulips, BSN]

Gotcha. Thanks!

If anyone else wants to give some advice, please feel free to add on...

[ItsThatJenGirl, CNA]

I wouldn't tell anyone at the school about this. I would make sure to save *everything* he sends though.

I've dealt with stuff like this is the past - it's really hard to give advice in these situations because some people back off once you start distancing yourself, while others escalate. I'd definitely work your boyfriend into conversation and make sure to be firm with boundaries. Like, if he texts you at midnight, the next day text him something like "I like to keep my chats with my classmates before 9pm if you don't mind" - that sets a boundary and reminds him that he's JUST a classmate. If he sends you a photo of himself (wtf), maybe reply with something like "um did you mean to post this on Instagram?".

Good luck - and trust your gut.

[katyq82]

I agree with the others not to bring this up to the school. Just as a thought for the future, I interact with my classmates on the school FB page but as a general rule I don't add individual classmates as FB friends. I have added one or two after being in clinical together for a semester and getting to know them in person. I only give out my cell phone number to those who are in my clinical group for that semester as you kind of end up needing to do that. That's not to say that you won't become friends outside of class with people, but figure out what your own boundaries are and stick to that as far as keeping your professional/school life and personal life separate.

[tulipsupontulips, BSN]

I wouldn't tell anyone at the school about this. I would make sure to save *everything* he sends though.

I've dealt with stuff like this is the past - it's really hard to give advice in these situations because some people back off once you start distancing yourself, while others escalate. I'd definitely work your boyfriend into conversation and make sure to be firm with boundaries. Like, if he texts you at midnight, the next day text him something like "I like to keep my chats with my classmates before 9pm if you don't mind" - that sets a boundary and reminds him that he's JUST a classmate. If he sends you a photo of himself (wtf), maybe reply with something like "um did you mean to post this on Instagram?".

Good luck - and trust your gut.

Thanks I will do that. My biggest concern is that he'll try to approach me again in class. I won't be able to "save" anything he says to me there and that might make him think it's okay to be even bolder towards me. If that's even happened to you, how'd you handle it? If you don't mind sharing of course.

[ItsThatJenGirl, CNA]

Thanks I will do that. My biggest concern is that he'll try to approach me again in class. I won't be able to "save" anything he says to me there and that might make him think it's okay to be even bolder towards me. If that's even happened to you, how'd you handle it? If you don't mind sharing of course.

Generally I choose not to be subtle about these things. I've had situations develop into stalking and having to get a protective order because I tried to be polite/avoid conflict. I don't do that anymore. I'm nice once, but after that, I don't take any crap. "I'm not interested in you", "you're making me uncomfortable", "if you don't cut the crap, I'm taking this higher up", etc. I also make it a point to never be alone with people I get any weird vibes from. Don't think you owe this guy a single thing - not even courtesy at this point. Don't feel bad for standing up for yourself either.

Even if you can't "save" every interaction, document it on paper.

[Wuzzie]

Why in the heck don't you just block him?

[wannabeny]

Trust your instinct. You don't need to goto the school at this point, as it isn't a school issue right now. If this behavior escalates, then yes you can involve the school since there are policies in place. Doesn't matter if you cannot "save" a face to face conversation; you CAN save the evidence you have at the moment, and save it in multiple places.

Honestly, from experience being courteous towards people like this can make the situation worse. Be firm and blunt about it. "I have a boyfriend. Please only text me about school related topics." He is a stranger; you owe him nothing.

Had this happen with a man who I worked with; being courteous to him did me absolutely no good. In fact, he got worse with his behavior, going so far as to harass me at work and on my social media; get insanely jealous of my friends. He seemed to be deluded enough to think we would end up in a relationship; my attempts to "be nice" and let him down easy only backfired. In the end, I had to resort back to my usual antics of being blunt and matter of fact. "I'm not interested in you. I have zero desire to date you. you are NOT my boyfriend, and you do NOT get to dictate x,y, and z and make me uncomfortable."

keep us updated, and hope you sort it out.

[meanmaryjean, DNP, RN]

You are investing WAAAAY too much time and energy into this. Block him. Tell him to his face that you are in a committed relationship. Repeat as often as needed.

Seriously, this reminds me of junior high.....