What? I can't put my mom in a nursing home!

  1. Hello everyone,
    I am very sad. I have been sad for the past 2.5 years and I want to know what you think. My mom suffered a massive stroke in July of 2004 which left her left side paralized and she is on social security. To make things worse, my step-dad left and we lost the house. I have finally come to realize that I cannot take care of her in the way that she needs to be taken care of and live my life as well. Have any of you gone through this where you had debated doing this for your loved one and regretted it? Or situations where both of you ended up happy? I moved back to help out the situation after moving to California for almost two years. I think that I just sort of had a nervous breakdown and had to leave because I couldn't handle working full-time, going to school full-time, and being the only sibling who is not adding fuel to the fire of this horrible situation. I am so depressed and I don't know how we can even afford to do this. I am not a nurse, yet....just finishing up pre-requests in spring so that I can apply for the program. Since I have moved back in with her and my older brother I can't stand living in this situation and I hate admiting that. Do you think a nursing home is too much? I wanted to get her just assisted living, but I don't think that we can afford it. What does assisted living usually cost? We are just so hostile and impatient with each other and please believe me that I am not normally like that at all. I feel like such a female dog, but I don't know how I can better the situation. Your advice is greatly appreciated.
  2. Visit chuchie profile page

    About chuchie

    Joined: Dec '05; Posts: 105; Likes: 35


  3. by   sanctuary
    What a sad situation for everybody. What does your mom think? There are agencies that provide in-home care, as many insurance companies understand that it is cheaper to give her day help than 24 hr care. Start calling county and state Area Agency on Aging, and ask for an assessment for services. Maybe even AARP might know of services. There are places and programs to help. They might not be easy to locate but keep pushing. Others will have more and better ideas , but I did not want you to think no-one would reply.:icon_hug:
  4. by   EmerNurse
    I don't have an answer either, but I wanted you to know that I'll put you and your family in prayers - what a difficult situation!!

    {{big hugs}}
  5. by   OC_An Khe
    Yes this is a dificult situation. Do look into all types of govenment assistance. Look for help for yourself also. Sometimes a live in aide is less expensive then a nursing home and or assisted living. I have found through direct family expirience that there are no really good answers in this situation.
  6. by   traumaRUs
    I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have been in this position with both parents and it is very hard.

    1. Is your Mother on Medicaid (or the CA equivalent)? If so, contact her case worker to get a list of Medicaid-approved assisted living facilities and go and see them and get her on EVERY waiting list (where I live in IL, the wait can be several years). So, hedge your bets and get on every list.

    2. Does your mother have assets? If so, check into the cost of private pay assisted living facilities that are sliding scale based on income.

    3. Contact any senior citizen agencies in your area. Start with geriatric medical practices - they can sometimes provide resources and/or a contact person.

    4. Contact any assisted living facilities that you are interested in and see what they can suggest.

    5. Last, don't feel guilty. You will have a better relationship with your Mother and brother, when you aren't so stressed and she is being well taken care of.
  7. by   JentheRN05
    My grandparents (moms parents) ended up living with my mom and dad until they passed. However my father is unemployed, but was paid somehow by the state to take care of grandma and grandpa. So that helped out. Not sure how they did it. It was in Michigan.
    Wish you the best and keeping you in my thoughts.
  8. by   GPatty
    Churchie, I feel for you. As the others have said, start with phone calls. Make them to the Ombudsman in your area. Check with the Social Service people at the local hospital, maybe that will help. Maybe even a church in the area would be able to suggest something.
    My Mom recently moved in with me, and I take care care of her. Right now, it's easy, but I 'm sure, as time goes on....
    I am close to failing this semester of school (senior year....one semester to go) because of caring for Mom. My brother hasn't even SEEN our Mom since her surgery (cancer surgery in July), but has expected me to drive 3.5 hrs one way every week, take off work, and every thing else, while he does nothing.
    Lots has changed recently, but I am taking it day by day.
    You hang on and hang in there. Don't feel guilty. Your Mom knows you need your sanity too.
    {{{HUGS}}} to you.
    God bless.....
  9. by   BSNtobe2009
    I am so sorry for you! I don't think there is anything wrong when you have to choice but to put a loved one in a nursing home. I just think there is something wrong with abandoning someone in one....you don't seem like the type of person that would do that.

    When you finish nursing school, you may be able to help her more when your income increases.
  10. by   Jo Dirt
    I feel for you very much.
    Assisted living here in Tennessee is around $2600/monthly, but I understand California has a much higher cost of living.
    If she has medicare you could get home health services which would include physical therapy, perhaps a nurse visit once weekly, and an aide to come in three times a week to help with a bath.
    And do not feel guilty for having to put her in a nursing home. Most likely she will understand, and I am sure she does not want to be a burden.
  11. by   Lacie
    Dependant on how much SS she recieves she may also qualify for medicaid in conjunction with her medicare which may cover the cost of nursing home care or an assisted living facility. Definitely contact Social services and also your local association on aging as they can help you with some decision making and locating an appropriate facility. Dont feel bad if you need to do this. I watched my mother care in home for my grandmother for over 8 years who was bed-ridden from a CVA. She could only move her right arm and head. My mother literally shut herself in the home with her never leaving not even to go to the store. I love my mom but I dont think I could do what she did (now that's dedication). She had 12 brothers and sisters also and not one of them offered any relief or assistance. My mom even sold soda and candy out the back door to local kids to be able to care for her mother. Sad state that our elderly live in poverty if they dont have enough family members to do the care. It's a difficult decision but you must do what is best for you and your mother in the long run. There's only so much one person can do without giving up thier own life and dreams.
  12. by   P_RN
    I am in SC and i had the same situation last Christmas. I tried SO hard to do what I thought was right.Mama cried, hit out, wouldn't eat, wandered all over.
    Mama is fairly healthy physically, some arthritis, but has vascular dementia. Assisted living places are more expensive than nursing homes.

    What you do HERE is contact Medicaid and ask for an evaluation for "nursing home Medicaid" it is different than plain Medicaid that pays meds etc. It coordinates with Medicare to cover. Her whole social security check except for $30 goes to the ecf. The $30 is for beauty shop and miscellaneous items.

    Medicaid will contact Community Long Term Care (again this is SC don't know about Calif.) A nurse from CLTC came to the house and interviewed Mama.

    The hardest part was having to locate a NH ourselves who had "Medicaid Beds."

    Mama went from not eating, not getting dressed, not even remembering to go to the bathroom, to getting up, getting a shower, playing bingo after breakfast in the dining room. Once a week they have line dancing (wheelchairs count) and pet therapy etc. She has her hair fixed once a week.. In short Mama is happy. I felt like a miserable daughter, my sister accused me of putting Mama away. It took a while.

    NO you aren't an awful daughter. If your sibs are tellling you that then they are denying the truth. Your Mama needs care now. You don't have the resources or the energy to do it alone. Let your sibs stew about whatever they want to.

    Please consider this. Oh and if Mom's SS check is low ask if she can get SS based on the hub that left her. I can see you love your mama, now start loving yourself.
  13. by   Katnip
    My husband's aunt was in assisted living near L.A. and was paying 3K a month.
  14. by   CanadaProud
    Hi Chuchie,

    I know this is a really hard thing for you to go through. For the last year 1-2 years I helped my mom care for her great Aunt (She was the sole support system). She found it very difficult, but we tried for as long as we could to keep my G-G Aunt at home. We found that there were different agencies in the area that would offer "free" hours each week. So for instance one would come in 6 hours a week, another 4 hrs, etc (ours were St. Elizabeths, Red Cross, VON, etc.. but they are probably different in the states). Talk to your local 'Access Centre' (place that supports seniors, and helps with nursing home situations), they can possibly give you a list of different resources to help. If it would help you cope by having 'time off' then that would be great, it could even help reduce the costs for yourself.
    Anyways, best of luck, keep looking because there is help!
    Take Care,

    Canada Proud