Sexual harrassment or just an old creep?

Nurses General Nursing

Published

Ok yall so I need some insight. I've been working at my current job for almost 2 years. There is an older guy that works here, a pharmacist, in his 60s that has often chatted with me and I literally never thought anything of it. He's a very interesting individual. Used to work for the DEA part of FBI and raided drug neighborhoods and things of that sort. He was always friendly and spoke and I was friendly and spoke.

So now all of a sudden, it's dawned on me like, goodness he's down here a lot lately. Well he's coming down to my unit (ER) 4, 5, 6 times in a 12 hr shift and comes over and wants to talk. He's said "Hi beautiful" to me twice and once came up behind me a whispered really close to my face in what I consider a creepy way. He'll come down before his shift is over to say bye and talks to me like I'm his wife. It's embarrassing! My coworkers are like "Boy he's really on to you" and laugh. They'll even tell me if they see him so I can go hide somewhere. He looks for me they say, if he can't find me. I'm getting really tired of it and quite honestly I want him to go AWAY. I'm married in my 30s and am not interested dude. I am even giving him a straight face and he still isn't getting it. He said "You don't seem like yourself today. You're not as happy." Not only is it just getting old, I have work to do. what do yall think? I am overreacting??

I was reading a thread recently on FB where so many people thought it was perfectly appropriate to flirt in the work place. Both men and women. But it really puts us in a very awkward position when the feelings are not mutual. I mean look at the extent that this is making you uncomfortable. You have to come to a discussion board for advice on it. Why don't people just understand that this is not ok.

It's easier outside of work to turn someone down. But at work...it just gets more uncomfortable. And it's not right.

Slight flirting in some work place environments...fine, IF clearly reciprocated. Otherwise....just..no.

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Just be direct.

"[Name], people are starting to think you have an interest in me beyond 'casual workplace acquaintance.' I have wondered the same and it is making me uncomfortable. You can't come down here looking for me, and you can't talk to me in an overly-personal manner or invade my personal space. That kind of thing makes people uncomfortable and destroys a normal workplace relationship."

****

So the question for the group is, should the OP inform the manager that she has had this conversation? I kind of thing so, because you really can't predict how people will react to this, especially if they feel rejected/threatened/humiliated.

The reason not to tell anyone at this juncture would be the chances of someone in admn getting all hateful with the guy when he might very well just apologize and back off.

I still tend to think it's better to tell someone for the following reasons: 1) It has to stop 2) It is not appropriate 3) I think deep down people who sneak up behind someone and whisper do (or very well should) know that what they are doing is not appropriate, so they have already proven they have poor judgment

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Specializes in school nurse.

...yeah, sounds like he's got a different idea than you do about your work friendship. But please let the limit (and see if he honors it) before classifying it as harassment.

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Just be direct.

"[Name], people are starting to think you have an interest in me beyond 'casual workplace acquaintance.' I have wondered the same and it is making me uncomfortable. You can't come down here looking for me, and you can't talk to me in an overly-personal manner or invade my personal space. That kind of thing makes people uncomfortable and destroys a normal workplace relationship."

I like what JKL33 suggested, but let me add this...... say something to the point of: "Listen, the other day the "manager" noticed us speaking to one another and told me I had to cut down on the chats. Not only that, somebody noticed the frequent chats we had and casually mentioned it to my husband and he didn't like it......"

One thing I do want to point out is, this gentleman is older. I believe you mentioned he's in his 60's. This is a different generation. Calling people (women) sugar, sweetheart, and beautiful is and was typical of this generation. This guy was born way before everybody became so PC on every little thing. Sure, he might not have gotten the memo that people aren't supposed to call others by those pet names, but it's hard to break old habits.

Perhaps this man is just lonely and wants to chat? Who knows what his intentions might be, but at this point you might just need to start mentioning the husband more and he'll get the message.

Here's a true story: I once worked at this place where this guy was my coworker. He'd always greet me, give me a hug, we'd have lunch together, AND, yes, he would say "Hello gorgeous" or "Hello sweetheart," etc.. I was here getting nervous thinking at some point, he might ask me out. To my surprise, turns out he was gay. He just told me he felt very comfortable around me and had fun chatting with me. This whole time I was sweating bullets playing out various scenarios of what was going to happen if he asked me out, etc. LOL

See.......you just never know what a person's intentions are. You could be thinking one thing, where they are thinking something completely different!

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Specializes in Nursing Professional Development.

So the question for the group is, should the OP inform the manager that she has had this conversation? I kind of thing so, because you really can't predict how people will react to this, especially if they feel rejected/threatened/humiliated.

The reason not to tell anyone at this juncture would be the chances of someone in admn getting all hateful with the guy when he might very well just apologize and back off.

I would probably not say anything to my manager at this time -- but I would probably tell a friend (or even try to arrange to have the friend present when I said something to the man so that there would be a witness.) I don't think it is fair for the OP to officially accuse him of anything or get him in trouble with the management unless she has clearly told him "No" and given him a chance to stop. I think he deserves 1 chance to hear her and change. And it doesn't sound like she has given him a clear message that he is crossing her boundaries.

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I was reading a thread recently on FB where so many people thought it was perfectly appropriate to flirt in the work place. Both men and women. But it really puts us in a very awkward position when the feelings are not mutual. I mean look at the extent that this is making you uncomfortable. You have to come to a discussion board for advice on it. Why don't people just understand that this is not ok.

It's easier outside of work to turn someone down. But at work...it just gets more uncomfortable. And it's not right.

Slight flirting in some work place environments...fine, IF clearly reciprocated. Otherwise....just..no.

The problem is, people don't know how to be direct and communicate. People don't want to ever confront issues.

You simply say, I'm a happily married woman who loves her husband. I've had to do it before. I had one person actually say to me, well I've never heard you say you love him. I stated well, I do. I respect our friendship, but I love my husband and family. If that's a problem for you, then we can't talk.

People just want to hide when something makes them remotely uncomfortable. I think if we communicated a little better, there wouldn't be so many problems in the world.

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Specializes in OB-Gyn/Primary Care/Ambulatory Leadership.
Kinda hard to tell if he just wants to talk ... or wants more..

You think whispering "Hi beautiful" is kind of hard to tell what his intentions are?

OP, I agree with others who have said that you need to verbalize clearly to this person that his attentions are not wanted. Then, if it continues, you should take it up the chain of command.

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Specializes in OB-Gyn/Primary Care/Ambulatory Leadership.
I would just start playing things down, say things like...I am so busy now (and then walk away)... wow, you are in the ER again...mention you are married (my husband and I are having a date tonight etc), and hopefully he will get the message, if not you may have to be more direct (I am married and not interested in a relationship etc).

I disagree with the first part. IMO, she needs to do the bolded.

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Specializes in OB-Gyn/Primary Care/Ambulatory Leadership.
Just be direct.

"[Name], people are starting to think you have an interest in me beyond 'casual workplace acquaintance.' I have wondered the same and it is making me uncomfortable. You can't come down here looking for me, and you can't talk to me in an overly-personal manner or invade my personal space. That kind of thing makes people uncomfortable and destroys a normal workplace relationship."

****

So the question for the group is, should the OP inform the manager that she has had this conversation? I kind of thing so, because you really can't predict how people will react to this, especially if they feel rejected/threatened/humiliated.

The reason not to tell anyone at this juncture would be the chances of someone in admn getting all hateful with the guy when he might very well just apologize and back off.

I still tend to think it's better to tell someone for the following reasons: 1) It has to stop 2) It is not appropriate 3) I think deep down people who sneak up behind someone and whisper do (or very well should) know that what they are doing is not appropriate, so they have already proven they have poor judgment

Yes to all of this.

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Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.

I wouldn't assume he wants more than a workplace friendship, but I also wouldn't assume he doesn't. I think I'd say something along the lines of: "I've enjoyed our workplace chats but then I have to rush to get my work caught up. Also, my coworkers are starting to tease me about "our romance" and when I tell my husband about our chats, he seems to think they're excessive. You're probably having similar problems, so it wouldn't hurt my feelings if you came around a bit less. It would actually make me less uncomfortable."

Hopefully he gets the message and gets to save face.

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Specializes in Pediatrics Retired.
Just be direct.

"[Name], people are starting to think you have an interest in me beyond 'casual workplace acquaintance.' I have wondered the same and it is making me uncomfortable. You can't come down here looking for me, and you can't talk to me in an overly-personal manner or invade my personal space. That kind of thing makes people uncomfortable and destroys a normal workplace relationship."

****

So the question for the group is, should the OP inform the manager that she has had this conversation? I kind of thing so, because you really can't predict how people will react to this, especially if they feel rejected/threatened/humiliated.

The reason not to tell anyone at this juncture would be the chances of someone in admn getting all hateful with the guy when he might very well just apologize and back off.

I still tend to think it's better to tell someone for the following reasons: 1) It has to stop 2) It is not appropriate 3) I think deep down people who sneak up behind someone and whisper do (or very well should) know that what they are doing is not appropriate, so they have already proven they have poor judgment

I think the manager should be informed; they likely are already aware of it in some fashion and it would be better for them to get the straight story. This guy is a professional and knows better...regardless of his intentions.

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I like what JKL33 suggested, but let me add this...... say something to the point of: "Listen, the other day the "manager" noticed us speaking to one another and told me I had to cut down on the chats. Not only that, somebody noticed the frequent chats we had and casually mentioned it to my husband and he didn't like it......"

I disagree with this. If she is not interested and wants the behavior to stop, she should be direct about that. Using these excuses, he could take it as his behavior is wanted, but that it needs to be more discreet because others do not like it. Which could likely end up with him cornering her somewhere more private where it would be harder for her to get away if it does actually become sexual harassment.

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