Patients Say the Darnedest Things - WIN $250! Nurses Week Contest 2018 - page 4

We've all been there. In our time as nurses, we've heard patients say some pretty wild things. Whether it's off-the-wall reasons for how they came to need medical care or something as seemingly... Read More

  1. by   djh123
    A wonderful but sad former patient of mine, with multiple personalities, was sitting in her wheelchair next to my med cart as I was scurrying back and forth passing meds in the evening. I come back once to grab more and she looks at me and says "I wish I'd never married you". I was crushed, I tell you...
  2. by   canoehead
    An unruly patient was screaming in the ER. My confused LOL rolled over and muttered "that damn cat!"

    Our monitors were ringing incessantly while some patients were trying to sleep. After a couple hours one of my patients threw off her covers and yelled" ALL RIGHT! I'm COMING!"
  3. by   VivaLasViejas
    Then there's the good old-fashioned nursing poop story. This one's about a LTC resident I'll call "Margaret", who had been in bed for years and only had a BM once a week. (She also had a wicked sense of humor.) It had been that way for as long as she'd been disabled, and she steadfastly refused all interventions to increase the frequency. Needless to say, her stools were extra-extra-extra large and nearly filled the commode bucket, and she usually had some caustic remark for the CNA who cleaned her up afterwards.

    On this particular night, she did her business and the aide, who was a new employee, was so impressed that she brought the bucket to the nurse's station to show me a BM in the shape of an exclamation point. Laughing, I went to Margaret's room to congratulate her on this accomplishment, but she was a step ahead of me. "An exclamation point, eh? I was going for a bow. Didn't make it."
  4. by   angeloublue22
    I had an African American man come in to the jail and he was already angry. I asked if he had any allergies to food or medication and he yelled, "Yeah, I'm allergic to racist white ******* like you!" I then calmly asked if that counts as a food or a medication. That actually made him laugh and we were fine after that.
  5. by   SilleLu
    Sweet little couple both mid 90s, both sharp as tacks. Wife recovering from hip fx. I was helping her off the bedpan and pulling up her undies and pj pants. Husband pipes up, "I would have helped her, but I'm much better at taking them off...I've had more practice!" Wife couldn't stop giggling...

    Edited to add: They had 9 children
    Last edit by SilleLu on Apr 15 : Reason: additional information
  6. by   Presh123
    A patient on indwelling catheter that I have emptied 1500mls of urine
    from his catheter woke up and started screaming Nurse I need to use the restroom I have not urinated since today😂
  7. by   ConfusedPatient
    There should also be a comment section on the unprofessional things nurses say about their patients.
  8. by   AceOfHearts<3
    I was called an ISIS terrorist and the phone was a bomb. That was a fun night....
  9. by   P-RN
    A coworker in the ICU was checking whether an elderly patient was oriented and asked her if she knew where she was. The woman looked at her like she was stupid and replied, "Of course I know where I am, I'm right here! When we finished laughing we agreed that she certainly was correct, though perhaps not really oriented.
  10. by   KelRN215
    Teenager with a TBI
    Me (doing a neuro check): Do you know where you are?
    Him: I'm in some sort of Chinese restaurant

    When the CNA was helping him wash up, he also asked why "Michael Jackson was rubbing my back."

    When I was working as an aide in college I once had an old lady ask me to get her a copy of today's newspaper so she could read her own obituary. Then said "I died but then I came back to life. It was too late to stop the presses." She also had a hair appointment that day and was starring in a play that afternoon so it was very important that I let her leave the hospital.

    Another LOL with a UTI claimed that she wandered into the hospital via tunnel, by accident, after her taxi dropped her off from the concert she had attended the previous evening. Her assisted living facility was just on the other side of the tunnel and we really needed to let her go back because she didn't belong in the hospital.
  11. by   Mbv9945
    "No I refuse to be discharged, I need Dilauded, In my Bain, I have chest Pain, I have a 3mm noodle in my lungs, the told me in the ER".

    Doctor: Um, I think you mean nodule.

    Patient: No it's a noodle!

    Family member: "Like a pool noodle"?

    Nurse: Barely containing her ability to not laugh & trying to remaining professional.

    Ten minutes later the patient is lying on the floor with an upright cup of water 💦 sitting next to them, saying, " I slipped in the water someone got on the floor, my hip, it's broken". "I need an x Ray and Dilauded in my Bain".

    Nurse: Um I think you mean vein!
  12. by   gracie65
    We were working an awful holiday weekend. Within 4 hours we had 3 admits, all female, all over 300 pounds, and none of them could walk (medical conditions) and all were on psych meds. The most manic of the three was having a full blown panic attack when we tried to move her from her chair to the bed. She was sweating, crying (then laughing) and shaking in a full blown manic episode when she said, "I've stopped taking all of these psych meds because they're making me crazy!!" We all looked at one another and thought, "This cannot only be Day 1 of a 3-day weekend...."
  13. by   missmollie
    Not a patient but still good.

    Patient with frontal lobe injury which makes them prone to do whatever they damn well please. In this case, it was masturbating furiously. Right before doctor rounds, I went into her room. I put her gown back on her, peak out the door, and see the doctors are only one door down. I tuck her in with her blanket to keep her hands out of a certain area. Walking out of the door, I tell the neurosurgeon "I just got her all dressed and she should be good". He nods his head and slips into the room followed by residents. I go to my computer and chart.

    Five minutes later, he is walking behind my chair to the next room. I ask him "Everything okay in there?" He responds with one emphatic word:


    I snorted, people. I snorted.