Nurse needs assistance. Teenager Out of Control!!! - page 2
I am asking for help and advice regarding my 17 year old son. I work registry and deal with kids quite often in crisis, but failed to notice the one living under my roof. He is now 17 and last week... Read More
Mar 3, '05Oh and yea, the father situation, it would be wise to seek legal counsel on that. I agree. The people before me offered you excellent, sage advice. I just want to offer my support, not being an expert, myself.
Mar 3, '05you know, i just realized, the OP probably won't see any of this. She is not "premium" and it was moved to a preemie forum. Maybe we can copy/paste these replies to her PM box? Is that allowed?
Mar 3, '05Quote from renerianYou may want to be in touch with a domestic violence agency re your scary stepson! I yi yi! Does hubby know how afraid you are?Haunted,
I hope I have helped you some. I know I was wordy but I feel for you. I have 5 kids/2 mine/3 step and I would not wish what I am going through with my dtr on my worst enemy or what I live with daily related to my stepkids.
Mar 3, '05dear haunte,
parents divorcing when a boy is 13 is probably one of the most traumatic ages for this to happen...my 14 yo always shows anger towards his dad but at the same time, when he's not home, he keeps on asking when he will be home.
it sounds like your ex has brainwashed your son into thinking that your dh broke the marriage up, thus the reason for showing such animosity and defiance.
i DO strongly believe you need legal counsel in terms of your son's dad being deemed unfit, citing his alcoholism and his verbal abuse to you. start taking notes.
i have mixed feelings about tough love- normally i would recomend it to the teens that are unmanageable and out of control. but to me, his anger sounds like an extreme form of pain. get him dried out, if that's what he needs. and yes you can show tough love at home but at the same time show him tender, compassionate love. as deb said, sit down with him and listen- even if he's yelling; show him the respect that he's worthy of being listened to. get him to a counselor; or i was told group therapy is better for teens. but do get him help and get help for yourself. do not allow this man to berate you anymore. you do need the court's involvement on that. please get a family lawyer and see what they say.
it's natural for kids to dislike their stepparents and the parent who initiated the divorce.....but it's about time some definitive action was taken and nip this in the bud. pm me anytime, should you want to talk.
Mar 3, '05I hope you can read our responses? Zoe yes my hubby knows of this fear.....
Blue eyes you are so right. No parent knows it all, some crash and burn no matter what we do.
Mar 3, '05Quote from SmilingBluEyesI don't see why not.you know, i just realized, the OP probably won't see any of this. She is not "premium" and it was moved to a preemie forum. Maybe we can copy/paste these replies to her PM box? Is that allowed?
I SO wish my Mother could post here. My parents faced a somewhat similar situation with my brother (albeit I agree, MINUS the divorce part). But it was crazy for a few months on end...
It's been a very very long road and my Mother reports that only about now is he starting to really straighten up.
Mar 3, '05this is really rough..somethings only time and prayer can solve...don't know laws in your state but in some states they are entitled to make own decisions at 17
if your exs girlfriend moves out things will escalate..she may be the only thing holding the dad in
your son may be in extreme danger if he is the only one to take the brunt of his dad's anger
see in you can arrange an in-house rehab...your son's whole life depends on what you do during this time..i pray that you can get a good program going
i am glad that you have your husband to hold on to at this time
Mar 5, '05I'm moving this back to General Nursing. It is affecting this mother's ability to do her job. And to me THAT belongs in a Nursing discussion.
Mar 7, '05"J" has been evaluated by a out patient drug rehab facility and while he admits to "using" they feel he requires more intensive academics (it is an 8 hour day program) than he would be getting.
He was assessed by a Psychiatrist who specializes in adolescents and during the interview my son admitted to substance abuse, a great deal of anger towards me and general unhappiness but refused to consider medication, even on a temporary basis, reason given, "my Dad won't let me and since I am staying with him I can't be taking any pills". Duly noted by the doc who will cc: me a copy of her assessment, she is giving him a diagnosis of depression r/o psychosis NOS because he expressed some severe paranoid feelings.
It seems that we are slowly re establishing some productive communication and the weepy days have resolved to just a brief tearing up here and there, I was actually able to work a shift on Friday and was relieved to focus on my profession for 8 great hours! My son has an appointment to resume his treatment by his former Psychologist tomorrow( Tuesday eve) however, last night we had a bit of a set back...
The ex called and said he would be dropping son off early at the house as there were some problems with the girlfriend. I said fine, no problem, he can have breakfast and walk to school from here. Around 8:30 I called the apartment to remind my son to come thru the back door as we are locking the front door. The girlfriend could be heard in the background literally RANTING about Dad, calling him names, just RANTING! My heart started pounding and I asked where his father was, "Asleep" he replied. I asked if my son felt safe, he said "No, can you come and get me?" BOOM, my husband and I were in the car, at the apartment in record time.
The place looked like a hurricane had hit it. The girlfriend was extremely agitated and while my husband helped my son gather his belongings, I stayed with her to calm her down and find out what happened. It appeared, a usual to be a case of the ex staedily drinking, becoming somewhat unreasonable and a verbal fight ensued. As my son and husband waited in the car, I went into the bedroom to tell the sleeping/drunken ex that I was bring the son home for the night. He grabbed me by the throat, I smacked him over the head with a partially empty plastic soda bottle and fled!
My son is still sleeping and will have a late start at school today. I will try and deal with the ex over the phone at some point because, PS, we also have their CAT!!!
I want to thank the moderator for moving this thread and to tell you that along this journey I have been educated regarding substance abuse in ways I never see while working in patient settings. There, I only see the process, here I see how it all begins. Thanks for your prayers, your support and love.
Mar 7, '05Dealing with an alcoholic is a skill no one is born with, so don't beat yourself up! Focus on the love you have for your son and believe that he loves you, too. I, too, divorced when my son was in his teens, and even though he was ambivalent about his father, he hates my husband (even after nearly 10 years). Nothing my dh can do about it, so he just continues to support me in loving my son, even though dh gets nothing from him in return.
Your son knows (even if he doesn't admit) that you (and your dh) were there for him when he needed you. He sounds like a scared kid to me -- depressed about his dad, confused about himself, and set to face the biggest event in his young life -- graduation -- in a few short years. He needs to find out who he is, and he's afraid he's going to be just like his dad.
I agree with all the other posters -- prayer is the answer. You can augment that with action, guided by love: work with his counselor, set realistic goals, offer unconditional love and support, but don't let him get away with "working you." All kids try that occasionally, even the most "perfect."
I'll continue to pray for your situation, too -- and don't let your ex bully you. It's worth getting a lawyer if need be. And document, document, document EVERYTHING having to do with him. If his drinking is so out of control that the girlfriend is screaming and confiding in you, it's not a safe place for your son. (Give the cat back, unless it's your son's as well)
Hang in there -- we're all here for you!
Mar 7, '05I have been in a similar situation and cannot tell you the quilt that I felt that I did not see that my son was abusing drugs. I beat myself up daily because being a nurse I should have seen what was going on. My son (as yours probably did) was very good at hiding this from us. After many doctors and lots of money we had my son court ordered to the Teen Challenge program. It is a non denominal faith based treatment center for people of all ages. My son was 17 when he went into the program. He is 20 years old now and thanks to Teen Challenge my son is drug free, has met a wonderful girl, has a job that he enjoys and lives in a nice apartment. My heart breaks for you today. I know the pain and quilt that you are feeling and have felt. If you need someone to talk to that has been there please feel free to PM me. I will keep you and your son in my prayers.