I am a cursed idiot

Nurses General Nursing

Published

I wanted to be a midwife because I thought this would help me feel a real sense of accomplishment. That I would help a woman through her pregnancy, delivery a baby, pat myself on the back and walk away to do yet another good deed. But I may have been mistaken.

I am not yet a midwife, and I already cannot handle my role as a nurse. I thought this community hospital would make me feel useful. But my encounter with my patients make me feel defeated and useless. My heart breaks at work, and it stays broken when I go to sleep at night. No amount of good work that I put in - no amount of relief I see in my patient's eyes when they realize this is a "nice" nurse, no amount of thank you's and mother's bonding with their babies can heal me or make me feel optimistic about the world. If I can't even handle this job, how can I handle being midwife?

That is all I want to say. No false reassurances, please.

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Are you failing to meet the expectations of the hospital, or failing your own expectations?

I'm not a nurse, but to me, it sounds like you're being very hard on yourself. I wonder if you have self-esteem issues (I don't mean that in a condescending way). I also wonder if you would feel useful no matter what job you had or how well you did it. I think your feelings go deeper than just your functioning as a nurse. I suspect you have a poor self-image.

I don't think it's a matter of how you handle your job, I think it's a matter of how you feel about yourself in general. Just the fact that you insult yourself by saying you're a "cursed idiot" speaks volumns.

Also, as they say, leave your work at work; don't bring your work home with you (especially thoughts of work).

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Maybe I read into what you said too much, but the way you worded your post it sounds like you wanted to get into this field because you thought it would heal you or give you a more optimistic view on the world. I don't know what your story is but it looks like you have more soul searching to do. Good luck.

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Specializes in Med-Surg, Trauma, Ortho, Neuro, Cardiac.
No amount of good work that I put in - no amount of relief I see in my patient's eyes when they realize this is a "nice" nurse, no amount of thank you's and mother's bonding with their babies can heal me or make me feel optimistic about the world.

I'm not going to give you any false assurances.

I'm not sure I'm understanding you.

Are you saying you can't handle the job because it is giving you no satisfaction?

Or are you saying the reality of th world itself and the world of nursing is bringing you down.

Are you a new grad?

I go through times when I let things get me down and feel like the world is a rotten place to be and that I'm not making a difference. I just have to ride through those times. And while you're saying your nursing care doesn't make you feel good about the world, it did someone else, at least try to see that.

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What's the Chinese under your name?

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Are you failing to meet the expectations of the hospital, or failing your own expectations?

I re read my post, and I don't see anywhere that I said that.

I'm not a nurse, but to me, it sounds like you're being very hard on yourself.

You think this new knowledge to me?

I wonder if you have self-esteem issues (I don't mean that in a condescending way).

I think there should be a rule that people should be fined whenever they use canned words like "self esteem". Ditto for "poor self-image"

I also wonder if you would feel useful no matter what job you had or how well you did it.

Whether or not this is true doesn't change anything.

I think your feelings go deeper than just your functioning as a nurse. I suspect you have a poor self-image. I don't think it's a matter of how you handle your job, I think it's a matter of how you feel about yourself in general. Just the fact that you insult yourself by saying you're a "cursed idiot" speaks volumns.

I have been an idiot since I was born. How does that speak to you?

Also, as they say, leave your work at work; don't bring your work home with you (especially thoughts of work).

I always wonder who "they" are. Would I have said this if I could help myself?

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Specializes in Critical Care.

(See further comments, below.)

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Specializes in Critical Care.

I didn't think Cute CNA's comments were out of line. And while 'poor self-image' and 'low self-esteem' might be canned, they got that way for a reason. If the shoe fits.

I mean, look, I agree with a previous poster. You start out by calling yourself an idiot (if not tongue in cheek, and obviously not due to the followup response to CuteCNA, then that is a hallmark of the canned pop psych above), and then say you don't want false reassurances.

To use another phrase I'm sure you'll want to fine: it sounds to me like you have a fairly serious case of depression there. Normally, for me, if I can identify WHY I'm depressed, I can normally deal with it and move on. But's it's not just pop psych to suggest that you get help for that.

But that aside, what do you want? Why did you post about this? Do you want someone to validate you're feelings?????? Like my first post, did you think we would seriously do that?

Or is it like a former gf of mine that always said, "I'm fat" just cause she liked to hear me say, "No, you're not."

Do you want me to take on that role. I've read several of your posts in other threads. I think you are probably on top of your game intellectually. I suspect that most of this is internal and few people have any idea of your internal turmoil, unless you let on. Most people would probably be surprised that you second guess yourself like that.

(That being said, most people that KNOW you probably DO know you second guess yourself like that.)

But I agree with you about false reassurances. They don't mean anything if you don't believe them yourself.

You are only and exactly who you believe yourself to be.

An important part of mastering anything is the ability to critically, but accurately evaluate yourself. If you can't do this on your own, then you should seek some counseling about it. Because you will never be 'satisfied' in anything you do if you make it a point to deny yourself that satisfaction.

~faith,

Timothy.

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Specializes in Trauma,ER,CCU/OHU/Nsg Ed/Nsg Research.

Cute CNA didn't have to reply to you, so you don't have to be so rude. YOU started this thread, remember? You seem bound and determined to maintain this mood/attitude. If that's the case, then it seems pointless for others to "reach out" to you (pardon the cliche). Sometimes when things aren't right, you just have to ask yourself what your part is in it and take it from there. Your patients aren't there to make you feel better. That's your job.

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Specializes in MDS coordinator, hospice, ortho/ neuro.
No amount of good work that I put in - no amount of relief I see in my patient's eyes when they realize this is a "nice" nurse, no amount of thank you's and mother's bonding with their babies can heal me or make me feel optimistic about the world.

Sounds to me like you've got a great big empty place in your spirit. If you're looking for the job to fill that gap , you're looking in the wrong place. The world isn't going to heal you.

For me, God is the only thing that fills that void. IMHO, that's where you need to look.

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Not going into self esteem issues, BUT going to just say: I do not ever want to have a nurse, or a midwife who became one to "HAVE A SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT" In my pregnancy, I hope to be something other than a reason for a midwife to pat herself on the back.

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Specializes in Med onc, med, surg, now in ICU!.

I agree with KatieBell. In my admittedly limited experience, I have found that nurses who go into the profession with some sort of gain - financial, emotional or any other - as their primary objective tend to be dissatisfied. The best nurses I know, when asked why they went into nursing, tend to answer along the lines of "It's what I've always wanted to do", or "I don't really know why, I just felt I had to, that it was right for me", or even "Well, I started off as a (name profession), but I hated it and nursing really drew me in".

In your case it seems that you are so unhappy with everything in your life right now that nothing is going to be "the answer". Perhaps spirituality in some form, meditation or something to centre yourself might help you. You know what? It seems like you need a great big hug and maybe a cry to get some of the bad feelings out.:icon_hug:

If nothing else, there is a beautiful poster at my hospital. It is a pair of adult's hands holding a tiny newborn baby, and the caption says "Look what I did today". Every time I see that poster, it makes me tear up. Not because of what I will get out of my job when I become a midwife, but because of the privilege of sharing in that joy with someone.

You posted on this board for something. You say it's not reassurance, you don't seem to want empathy or insight - what is it you want from your fellow nurses and nurses-to-be? I can offer my own experience of not getting it, of feeling helpless and hopeless and of questioning whether this is the right career for me. I can also describe my certainty that this is what I'm here for, and no matter how hard and tiring it seems, I know I'll get where I'm meant to be.

None of us will have the "perfect" answer for you. Please try to see the good intentions for what they are.

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