I wanted to be a midwife because I thought this would help me feel a real sense of accomplishment. That I would help a woman through her pregnancy, delivery a baby, pat myself on the back and walk away to do yet another good deed. But I may have been mistaken.
I am not yet a midwife, and I already cannot handle my role as a nurse. I thought this community hospital would make me feel useful. But my encounter with my patients make me feel defeated and useless. My heart breaks at work, and it stays broken when I go to sleep at night. No amount of good work that I put in - no amount of relief I see in my patient's eyes when they realize this is a "nice" nurse, no amount of thank you's and mother's bonding with their babies can heal me or make me feel optimistic about the world. If I can't even handle this job, how can I handle being midwife?
That is all I want to say. No false reassurances, please.
To me it seems as though you are a very unhappy person, looking for happiness outside of yourself. Which is not where you're going to find it. My suggestion would be to see a therapist. I'm sorry things are not going well for you, and I realize that when you hurt, you tend to attack people trying to give advice. I hope you find the satisfaction you seek.
I think I can relate to what you are saying. I think that being in a community setting can be a real challenge when you see just how utterly desperate some people's situations are and the fact that they have NO hope, no reason to feel optimistic about the world and that nothing you do will make a difference in their life.
I absolutely cannot handle it - it causes me too much pain and distress. I cannot leave it at work,some of the stories are too consuming, too overwhelming. It's not for me. As much as I want that sort of nursing to be for me, it's not - its takes too much of my soul.
I was discussing this with a good friend who is an amazing nurse in a community clinic. She told me that you have to be the sort of person who can be satisfied with the small differences that you CAN make. You have to be satisfied to be the "nice" nurse because ultimately, that's all you really can do. I could never be satisfied with that and with that, I've come to grips with that. Perhaps you could still be a midwife, just choose a different population? If that won't be satisfying to you, you may in fact need to consider another career path.
Best to you,
Amanda
Thank you Amanda. In the scheme of the big picture, I'm okay - meaning, if I had to choose this all over again, I still would. My choices have to do with the suffering I saw growing up, amongst women, children and a very suppressed population. I myself am blessed and lucky to come out that. I guess when I think about it, that's part of what I want do in community work - help another person not to lose hope.
(Of course I have a tendency to do things because I feel guilty about my own fortunate circumstances , but hey, that's okay with me, as long as what I do is positive. Also, who isn't dysfunctional one way or another? :) )
The day that I posted this, I just had a pt who was on suicide watch, and I was with her alone for two days and we had nothing to do but talk. It was my first big challenge. Added to that, I had to handle people on the floor who wanted the gossip on her everytime I go to the nursing station, so that was disheartening, too.
But your friend is right and we have to be satisfied with little differences we make. The adjustment period, though, is like a roller coaster. When I am feeling weak and out of control, I see my own defects, and I am really hard on myself. That's how I "deal". But it ain't all bad. A lot of it can be really good and even wonderful. This pt's midwife and I talked a lot, and because she was profesional as well as empathetic, that day, I learnt about the need to focus on one's role when with a patient. That alone was a gift to me.
So, thanks again. You've helped me able to reflect upon this in a good way.
Thank you Amanda. In the scheme of the big picture, I'm okay - meaning, if I had to choose this all over again, I still would. My choices have to do with the suffering I saw growing up, amongst women, children and a very suppressed population. I myself am blessed and lucky to come out that. I guess when I think about it, that's part of what I want do in community work - help another person not to lose hope.
(Of course I have a tendency to do things because I feel guilty about my own fortunate circumstances , but hey, that's okay with me, as long as what I do is positive. Also, who isn't dysfunctional one way or another? :) )
The day that I posted this, I just had a pt who was on suicide watch, and I was with her alone for two days and we had nothing to do but talk. It was my first big challenge. Added to that, I had to handle people on the floor who wanted the gossip on her everytime I go to the nursing station, so that was disheartening, too.
But your friend is right and we have to be satisfied with little differences we make. The adjustment period, though, is like a roller coaster. When I am feeling weak and out of control, I see my own defects, and I am really hard on myself. That's how I "deal". But it ain't all bad. A lot of it can be really good and even wonderful. This pt's midwife and I talked a lot, and because she was profesional as well as empathetic, that day, I learnt about the need to focus on one's role when with a patient. That alone was a gift to me.
So, thanks again. You've helped me able to reflect upon this in a good way.
Epiphany, I think I understand where you are coming from. If your suicidal patient is pregnant, that is a heavy combination. Your conversations and comments are crucial, and you probably tried very hard to make this woman feel differently about her plight.
I had a similar situation as a student. My patient was 6 months pregnant in a psych unit, had 5 other kids who were all removed from her due to her inability to care for them or herself. There were stories of terrible abuse and neglect on the other children. I wanted so much for this woman to "be normal" and "snap out of it" so she could be well and care for this and her other children. I remember feeling hopeless about the situation and wished there was some way that she could be prevented from procreating again.
If this is what you were feeling, I do relate to your OP, and I understand.
Thank you Amanda. In the scheme of the big picture, I'm okay - meaning, if I had to choose this all over again, I still would. My choices have to do with the suffering I saw growing up, amongst women, children and a very suppressed population. I myself am blessed and lucky to come out that. I guess when I think about it, that's part of what I want do in community work - help another person not to lose hope.
(Of course I have a tendency to do things because I feel guilty about my own fortunate circumstances , but hey, that's okay with me, as long as what I do is positive. Also, who isn't dysfunctional one way or another? :) )
The day that I posted this, I just had a pt who was on suicide watch, and I was with her alone for two days and we had nothing to do but talk. It was my first big challenge. Added to that, I had to handle people on the floor who wanted the gossip on her everytime I go to the nursing station, so that was disheartening, too.
But your friend is right and we have to be satisfied with little differences we make. The adjustment period, though, is like a roller coaster. When I am feeling weak and out of control, I see my own defects, and I am really hard on myself. That's how I "deal". But it ain't all bad. A lot of it can be really good and even wonderful. This pt's midwife and I talked a lot, and because she was profesional as well as empathetic, that day, I learnt about the need to focus on one's role when with a patient. That alone was a gift to me.
So, thanks again. You've helped me able to reflect upon this in a good way.
Epiphany, I'm so glad you're doing better. Hang in there. Sometimes a tiny thing is all a person needs.
Yes, totally - your understanding was important for me, thank you. It's good to get it out here, so my co-workers won't find out I am unstable and insane. :)
Instead of just saying, "I'm a nurse," you should also take pride in such things as, "I'm a swimmer, I'm a mother, I'm a father, I'm an activist, I'm a friend, I'm a lover," etc. I'm not saying any one role is unimportant, I'm saying that it's important to see yourself as valuable for more than one reason.
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weetziebat
775 Posts
To me it seems as though you are a very unhappy person, looking for happiness outside of yourself. Which is not where you're going to find it. My suggestion would be to see a therapist. I'm sorry things are not going well for you, and I realize that when you hurt, you tend to attack people trying to give advice. I hope you find the satisfaction you seek.