I wanted to be a midwife because I thought this would help me feel a real sense of accomplishment. That I would help a woman through her pregnancy, delivery a baby, pat myself on the back and walk away to do yet another good deed. But I may have been mistaken.
I am not yet a midwife, and I already cannot handle my role as a nurse. I thought this community hospital would make me feel useful. But my encounter with my patients make me feel defeated and useless. My heart breaks at work, and it stays broken when I go to sleep at night. No amount of good work that I put in - no amount of relief I see in my patient's eyes when they realize this is a "nice" nurse, no amount of thank you's and mother's bonding with their babies can heal me or make me feel optimistic about the world. If I can't even handle this job, how can I handle being midwife?
That is all I want to say. No false reassurances, please.
Specializes in Happily semi-retired; excited for the whole whammy.
I also think that taking CNA's post apart line by line was uncalled for, and frankly, mean. This isn't a current events board where we're debating issues and point-counterpoint is appropriate. She was trying to offer you support. As it is very clear that you don't wish for such support, have you considered opening a journal and making your posts private? Such a feature is available here on allnurses and is a wonderful way of vent and sort through feelings, without chastizing someone who was only trying to help.
Do not ask for advice and then bash everyone who gives it.
Perhaps you need to find work in a different field. You don't strike me as being compassionate enough to be a midwife. Sorry if you don't like the comments.
You'll find this group far friendlier if take the advice, use what you want, leave the rest and play nice.
I agree with some of the other posters that you should re-think being a nurse. I hope you don't walk around your work with this sort of gloomy attitude. I sure wouldn't want a nurse like that taking care of me.
I'm kind of confused about the original post...anyone else??? Are you trying to say that being a nurse/midwife is not what you thought it would be errrr??? And why are you a "cursed idiot".....I'm not understanding...???
I thought this community hospital would make me feel useful. But my encounter with my patients make me feel defeated and useless. My heart breaks at work, and it stays broken when I go to sleep at night. No amount of good work that I put in - no amount of relief I see in my patient's eyes when they realize this is a "nice" nurse, no amount of thank you's and mother's bonding with their babies can heal me or make me feel optimistic about the world. If I can't even handle this job, how can I handle being midwife?
I think I can relate to what you are saying. I think that being in a community setting can be a real challenge when you see just how utterly desperate some people's situations are and the fact that they have NO hope, no reason to feel optimistic about the world and that nothing you do will make a difference in their life.
I absolutely cannot handle it - it causes me too much pain and distress. I cannot leave it at work,some of the stories are too consuming, too overwhelming. It's not for me. As much as I want that sort of nursing to be for me, it's not - its takes too much of my soul.
I was discussing this with a good friend who is an amazing nurse in a community clinic. She told me that you have to be the sort of person who can be satisfied with the small differences that you CAN make. You have to be satisfied to be the "nice" nurse because ultimately, that's all you really can do. I could never be satisfied with that and with that, I've come to grips with that. Perhaps you could still be a midwife, just choose a different population? If that won't be satisfying to you, you may in fact need to consider another career path.
I think that maybe if you want to bash on yourself or have someone pick apart what you say and psycoanalyze it, you should go see a therapist. Also, if you did not want the help or "false reassurance" as you call it, why post to this board? Most likely for attention, but who know? Either way, hateful, snippety people who are ingrateful for compassion handed to them are not really welcome here. Also, I don't think I would want a nurse that thinks like you to care for myself nor any part of my family. As previously said, maybe you should be something else..
Okay, let's give the original poster the benefit of the doubt. Epiphany can you come back and further explain what you are saying? There seems to be some confusion. I hope you get things straightened out.
I re read my post, and I don't see anywhere that I said that.
You think this new knowledge to me?
I think there should be a rule that people should be fined whenever they use canned words like "self esteem". Ditto for "poor self-image"
Whether or not this is true doesn't change anything.
I have been an idiot since I was born. How does that speak to you?
I always wonder who "they" are. Would I have said this if I could help myself?
I don't take this post as an insult. I was just being straightforward with you, epiphany, and I'm not sure how I could have used words that better described what I thought was going on. But it's not unusual for people to become defensive when faced with words they don't like to hear (which may or may not be happening here).
I think your original post and this post reveals a person who is hurting very deeply. And when you're hurting that much yourself, you won't be as aware of the effect you have on others.
Again, I think your pain goes beyond your opinion of yourself as a nurse, but rather your opinion of yourself as a person.
Personally, I don't think anyone ONE role in a person's life should define them completely. Because if you completely rely on one role in your life for meaning, either you or others may suffer for it. Or both! Everybody needs a stronger base of support than just one role (i.e., as a nurse) to give their life meaning, in case something happens to that role. Instead of just saying, "I'm a nurse," you should also take pride in such things as, "I'm a swimmer, I'm a mother, I'm a father, I'm an activist, I'm a friend, I'm a lover," etc. I'm not saying any one role is unimportant, I'm saying that it's important to see yourself as valuable for more than one reason.
Seeing a therapist to pinpoint and explore the origin(s) of your feelings about yourself will help, I suspect. And again, I don't mean this in a condescending way. I have my own theories about why you might feel the way you do about yourself, but I'm not sure if it would be appropriate to share them.
If you feel angry about what I've said, that's fine. After all, I did hit you with it full-force. A therapist will take things at an easier pace.
Whoa. It's like sharks when they smell blood and go in for the kill..... I don't think it's very nice to attack someone when they are tyring to help, but it sure isn't nice to attack someone who comes for help, either, regardless of whether they are attention seeking or not......
I just agree that you cannot find your meaning in nursing and if you are doing it for satisfaction in yourself you will probably come up short. We are human and will fail. I went into nursing because I love medicine and I love to help people, but not because it makes me feel good. There seems to be much more going on in your life, I will pray for your situation (not that I feel sorry for you). I believe that hard times will give understanding and meaning in the end. I hope this can be a learning time for you in your life. Good luck.
I don't think it's very nice to attack someone when they are tyring to help, but it sure isn't nice to attack someone who comes for help, either, regardless of whether they are attention seeking or not......
LydiaNN
2,756 Posts
I also think that taking CNA's post apart line by line was uncalled for, and frankly, mean. This isn't a current events board where we're debating issues and point-counterpoint is appropriate. She was trying to offer you support. As it is very clear that you don't wish for such support, have you considered opening a journal and making your posts private? Such a feature is available here on allnurses and is a wonderful way of vent and sort through feelings, without chastizing someone who was only trying to help.