He doesn't want her to work. Is it fair?

[mscgirl09]

my friend's (ill call Vanessa) Fiancé just made partner at this law firm. she tells me he make big time money. She graduated from school to be a nurse anesthetist working in trauma surgery and makes good money. They met while she was in school.

Now that Vanessa is doing her own thing, he really doesn't want her to work because of the irregular hours. she sometimes have to get up at 2 am for work. She says its getting to him and he doesn't want her to work anymore; so when they get married he'll take care of her. Vanessa said that she worked hard to get where she is at (all that time and money). Do you all think its fair she has to quit her job because he doesn't like the crazy hours? he knew what he was getting into when they met. come on she saving lives here!

[Boog'sCRRN246, RN]

I don't think fairness has anything to do with it. She doesn't have to stop working if she doesn't want to. Being a lawyer, he's should appreciate all the time and effort she put forth to get where she is. I think it's rather silly of him to even suggest quitting, rather than reaching a compromise that will make both of them happy.

[rn/writer, RN]

Better to find this out now than after the wedding. She has to decide if this is a deal-breaker for her or not. I'd encourage them to get some top-notch couple counseling to find out if this is a realistic marriage with each partner looking out for the other or a set-up for a life-wrenching tug-of-war.

[MedSurgeMess]

No law says she has to quit....and no law says she has to keep a jerk in her life that would keep her from working. She needs to imagine how it will be when they get married, if he's doing this now, he'll really dictate all of her moves then. Tell her to think carefully about this.

[MissBrittanyRN]

Sorry, but I agree that she does not have to do anything. It's their business how their marriage is going to work, but if she wants to start out miserable, this is just insight into her future. Healthy relationships consist of sacrifice and adaptions based on the needs of that relationship or family, but in my personal opinion which may or may not be welcome or mean anything, it would be ridiculous for her to waste her education, time, and money.

[Blackheartednurse]

sounds like controlling jerk!

[Bill E. Rubin]

It's presumptuous for him to assume that she would just want to be "taken care of" given the time and effort she put into her career. I mean, maybe he has the best of intentions, but methinks it shows more than a little disrepect toward her accomplishments, dreams and sense of personal achievement. Alarm bells would be going off in my mind right about now.

[Bill E. Rubin]

sounds like controlling jerk!

Or more succinctly put... :yeahthat:

[HeartsOpenWide, RN]

She does not have to do anything. If he is like this before marriage, what is he going to be like after? I would suggest she talking this over with her future husband before she ties the knot.

[webmansx, ASN, RN]

Hmmm, Nurse anesthesist, trauma surgery...sounds like a smart hard working chick

So she is obviously an adult, smart hard working..I think she can make this decison for herself. Whichever way she chooses, make sure its what she wants and not what someone thinks you should want.

[MnemonicMonkey]

I'll play the flip side of the coin here. I'm in nursing school, and my wife is a NICU RN. I swear at 5am she slams her makeup drawer shut every morning she works. She doesn't really, but I rarely can sleep through her morning routine.

I can imagine this guy's frustration at 2am when he keeps getting woken up before a big deposition. Especially when she doesn't need to work financially. (Must be nice- I couldn't be in school without my some drawer-slamming support, and she wants to cut her hours!)

Sounds to me like they need to work out some logistics more than anything. Maybe she can take a day shift, or find a position with more regular hours. He could wear earplugs to bed...whatever. If this is that big of an unresolved issue, yes, they need some more premarital counseling. GOOD counseling at that. Learning to respect each other, coming to mutually satisfying resolutions, and keeping God at the center of our relationship is what has made our marriage so strong.

[Not_A_Hat_Person, RN]

Now that Vanessa is doing her own thing, he really doesn't want her to work because of the irregular hours. she sometimes have to get up at 2 am for work. She says its getting to him and he doesn't want her to work anymore; so when they get married he'll take care of her.

What if he dies? What if he leaves her? What if he starts abusing her? What if he decides that marriage and family life isn't for him after all? How does she plan to support herself then?