A patient died today. . . .

[Ted]

I guess I've come to the conclusion that I'm kind of sad and maybe even a bit depressed. I work nights. It is now 6:20 PM and I haven't even been to bed yet. What have I been doing? Two things, probably. One is the obvious. I'm here. . . . here at "Allnurses.com". . . probably for over 7 hours straight!!! Typing. Reading. Typing some more. Editing. Reading. Typing.

I haven't surfed the internet for that length of time in quite a while!

The second thing I'm doing is a bit less obvious. Even to myself. I'm avoiding. What a typical "psycho-babble" term, isn't it?!?!?!?

Avoiding.

But I am.

Avoiding.

I'm sad. I'm scared. And I'm even a bit lonely. (Amy is out taking her evening college course.)

_____________________

I've seen dozens of people die. I've seen them take their last breath. . . . and then. . . . "No more". Today was no different.

Except it was, I guess.

I've only met this gentleman just hours before his death. Four hours to be more precise. He was admitted because of pancytopenia and hypotension probably all secondary to AML. But he was alive when I first met him!!!!!! We talked together. I took his vital signs. I gave him water to drink. He thanked me.

He shared with me!!!! He said that he was ready to go! He said that if anything should "happen" to me, don't do "anything". "Just let me go!"

He was a DNR/DNI. That was official.

And deep down I KNEW he was going to die today.

So I watched him closely. Just watched him sometimes.

He was my ONLY patient so I made sure he had everything done for him per his wishes. . . as best as I could. Sat him up in bed. Gave him pain medication. . . which never seemed to do him much good. So I gave him more.

And repositioned him to his liking. And watched him. And took his vitals when appropriate. And talked to him.

About his family. About how he knew that he was very sick. About pain management. About his heavy breathing. About his grandchildren. About his own children. About his wife who was also ill of health too.

He was in pain. . . and there was not much I could do about it except what I did. He had trouble breathing the WHOLE TIME. . . he always Foxed 98% . . . . or better! . . . . but I still gave him more oxygen. He sweated. . . I wiped his forehead. He sat up abruptly as if in an anxious "what is going on?". . . and I held his hand. I held his hand a lot!

And then his left arm got numb!

WHAT?!?!?!? What's that all about?!?!?!?

And his face began to droop.

What the hell is going on???

And his speech slurred.

A fricken' stroke!

And he stooped towards the left side!

Can things get much worse?!?!?!?!?

By "THIS" time, my shift was over. I could have walked home at 7:00 AM! It was my time to leave!!!

But I didn't.

Sometimes it takes time for someone to die. So I stayed.

The on-coming day nurse was well aware of the immediate situation and could very well handle himself.

I still stayed.

And together the day nurse and I stayed with the patient. And we talked to him, and held his hand, and said "It's O. K."

"You are not alone."

At 9:35 he was "pronounced".

And he was not alone.

_____________________

Now, I've seen dozens of people die. Held many-a-hand. Said many-a-"It's O.K.".

And it never gets any easier.

And I still find the whole experience SOOOOOO PROFOUND!!!

So sad. . . yet he's free of pain. So scary. . . yet he died knowingly, couragously and. . . YES!. . . peacefully (as peacefully as can be given the pain he was in). So lonely. . . .

Yet he was not alone when he died!

_____________________________

And I'm left with my memories. My fears. My sadness at witnessing such an profound event that it makes me almost want to scream! ! !

_____________________

I'm left knowing that someday. Somewhere. Hopefully with someone. . . .

I'm going to die.

And I don't want to!!!

I want life to ALWAYS BE!

I WANT TO LIVE!!!!

For another day. Another precious, love-filled day.

[tris]

I too will try to respond, if I can see through the tears! I think we all have those moments--sometimes it is just more profound than other's.

Yes it is sad but you should feel comfort that you were there and you did your best for him---sometimes that is all we can do.

I don't understan why it is harder some times and not other's.

I just know that is the way it is for me.

Take care and know we are all thinking of you.

Tris

[tuni813]

How nice to see that most of us are still in nursing to take care of others. The fact that everyday is a new one and we do not take it for granted is a refresher. I wish all of us were on the same page. Thank you!:kiss

[PennyLane, RN]

Thank you for sharing that beautiful experience, Ted. You made a huge difference to him in his time of need. Death is a part of life, and you should be proud that you were able to help him make his transition peacefully.

[pickledpepperRN]

Originally posted by efiebke

And I feel so much more refreshed!

I've read all of your comments. And I appreciate your words of support. Thank you! ((((HUG))))

What gently surprised me, in all honestly, were the warm, heart-felt comments regarding "my loss". Like I said, I only knew this gentleman for a little more than 4 hours. And during that time I did get to know him well, I guess.

I guess I did lose a patient. A very friendly, very brave (he is an inspiration - a mentor of sorts - to me!!!!!!!!!), very caring towards his family gentleman.

But I don't feel like I lost anyone I knew for years and year and years. At least not the loss one feels when a spouse dies or a parent dies or . . . . shudder. . . . a son or daughter dies. . . . (shudder again).

Different kind of loss, I guess.

___________________________________

I want to share with you that I wrote this knowing full well that many people were going to read this.

There are over. . . what 25,000? . . . . members to this site alone. And I am asuming that a great percentage of these members are somehow related (or going to be related) to the healthcare profession.

With that said, we're going to experience death.

And it is not easy.

For me. . . witnessing another person's death does open up some old wounds, and fears, and philosphical thoughts/arguments, and oh soooooooo many things!

And it's easy to get caught up in all these emotions.

Some people cope well with witnessing death. Some people don't. I'm kind of in the middle.

But what helps me. . . is to share. To not be alone in my own mind and think and think and think and think and think. . . .

and fear and fear and fear and fear. . . .

Writing the thread to you is sooooo cathartic! It helps me cope. It helps me emote!!! It helps me put things into perspective. . . .

So that the NEXT time I witness some else's death. . . .

I can provide similar support and caring. . . and NOT feel overwhelmed.

I want to feel.

I don't want to be dumb-struck with fear and apprehension.

____________________________

And I guess, my little "thinking and feeling out loud" to YOU, was my way of coping. And reading your responses. . . and allowing myself to really read your kind words. . . was also my way of allowing healing to take place.

___________________________

And you know what?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Isn't this wonderful that we can do this for each other! ! !

With the warmest regards and the deepest respect to you all!

Ted

Ted:

My tears are of thanks for nurses everywhere. My Mom died in Italy. I am so thankful for the nurses who were so good to her and my Dad. He was not alone. It was the nurse who told him he should stay when my Mom said it would be fine for him to come home to his job. After she died this nurse made phone calls.

That was 1978.

Thank you Ted! You make all nurses proud. Your post should be sent to a publication.

I'm thinking one for the general public, not just nurses.

THANK YOU!

[P_RN, ADN, RN]

Somewhere, sometime that gentleman will point towards you and say "See him? He is MY nurse."

[Surgical Hrt RN]

Ted,

WOW!!!! You exemplify what it truly means to be a nurse! I have been in your shoes before and stayed long past my shift to stay with my patient and their family! You make me proud to be a nurse!

Thank you for sharing such private moments with us!

Tracey:kiss

[Liddle Noodnik]

Originally posted by efiebke

Another precious, love-filled day.

Ted.

Thank God for you. I guess you can say that that is just ONE reason that you were born. What a gift to give.

I am sad thinking of all the times I SHOULD have been there when someone died.

I am happy when I know I really made it the best situation possible and that person knew they were loved.

I'm not afraid of dying (heh hee what is the term for "false courage"? Oh yeah. Booze. don't do THAT anymore... sigh), anyway, I'm not afraid of dying, sometimes I wish it was soon, I know where I'm going.

{{{{{{{{Ted}}}}}}}}} Thanks for putting into words what I have experienced and thought and felt many times (I worked nites last nite and have been on the puter since; hellish nite; it's 2:40 pm!

[suehp]

Thank-you for sharing that with us Ted - I hope when I die that I have some-one like you at my bedside.

[BSNfromMCN]

A big hug to you Ted. I am feeling the same grief today. I experienced my first death last night. I have another year of school left and am currently in my second week of an externship. My first "real" nursing experience outside of clinicals. A gentleman I cared for the past 3 nights went unexpectedly in his sleep. I pretended to be able to continue working while my insides were collapsing. I hid in the bathroom to cry about a dozen times and avoided eye contact at all costs. 15 hours later, I'm still weepy. I've been teased by classmates of being too soft hearted to be a nurse and now I'm wondering myself. How do you find that balance between compassion and competency? Am I of any benefit to patients and families if I am emotional? Does it ever get any easier? I know that I did my best for my patient but I still feel so guilty for not being able to fix everything. The doc was even shocked, and I don't think anyone knew what else we could've done. I am haunted by the fact that I reassured his daughter to go home and get some rest. That we'd take good care of him. 3 hours later she got the call. It just seems so horribly cruel and unfair. I knew that this experience would come sooner or later, I just wish I knew how to deal with it. Thanks for sharing and expressing what is also on my mind today.

[karenG]

Ted, I am so glad to know you! thank-you for sharing that- I am glad that you were there for your patient. YOU are a very special person. hugs.

Karen

[pickledpepperRN]

Originally posted by BSNfromMCN

A big hug to you Ted. I am feeling the same grief today. I experienced my first death last night. I have another year of school left and am currently in my second week of an externship. My first "real" nursing experience outside of clinicals. A gentleman I cared for the past 3 nights went unexpectedly in his sleep. I pretended to be able to continue working while my insides were collapsing. I hid in the bathroom to cry about a dozen times and avoided eye contact at all costs. 15 hours later, I'm still weepy. I've been teased by classmates of being too soft hearted to be a nurse and now I'm wondering myself. How do you find that balance between compassion and competency? Am I of any benefit to patients and families if I am emotional? Does it ever get any easier? I know that I did my best for my patient but I still feel so guilty for not being able to fix everything. The doc was even shocked, and I don't think anyone knew what else we could've done. I am haunted by the fact that I reassured his daughter to go home and get some rest. That we'd take good care of him. 3 hours later she got the call. It just seems so horribly cruel and unfair. I knew that this experience would come sooner or later, I just wish I knew how to deal with it. Thanks for sharing and expressing what is also on my mind today.

You can never care too much. It is easy to block it out. Best to be as much help as possible.

It is OK to cry. Counting nurse aide I've been working at this since the 1960s. I still cry. Remember and care about patients too.

[zudy]

Thank you for sharing, Ted. Peace.