I guess I've come to the conclusion that I'm kind of sad and maybe even a bit depressed. I work nights. It is now 6:20 PM and I haven't even been to bed yet. What have I been doing? Two things, probably. One is the obvious. I'm here. . . . here at "Allnurses.com". . . probably for over 7 hours straight!!! Typing. Reading. Typing some more. Editing. Reading. Typing.
I haven't surfed the internet for that length of time in quite a while!
The second thing I'm doing is a bit less obvious. Even to myself. I'm avoiding. What a typical "psycho-babble" term, isn't it?!?!?!?
Avoiding.
But I am.
Avoiding.
I'm sad. I'm scared. And I'm even a bit lonely. (Amy is out taking her evening college course.)
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I've seen dozens of people die. I've seen them take their last breath. . . . and then. . . . "No more". Today was no different.
Except it was, I guess.
I've only met this gentleman just hours before his death. Four hours to be more precise. He was admitted because of pancytopenia and hypotension probably all secondary to AML. But he was alive when I first met him!!!!!! We talked together. I took his vital signs. I gave him water to drink. He thanked me.
He shared with me!!!! He said that he was ready to go! He said that if anything should "happen" to me, don't do "anything". "Just let me go!"
He was a DNR/DNI. That was official.
And deep down I KNEW he was going to die today.
So I watched him closely. Just watched him sometimes.
He was my ONLY patient so I made sure he had everything done for him per his wishes. . . as best as I could. Sat him up in bed. Gave him pain medication. . . which never seemed to do him much good. So I gave him more.
And repositioned him to his liking. And watched him. And took his vitals when appropriate. And talked to him.
About his family. About how he knew that he was very sick. About pain management. About his heavy breathing. About his grandchildren. About his own children. About his wife who was also ill of health too.
He was in pain. . . and there was not much I could do about it except what I did. He had trouble breathing the WHOLE TIME. . . he always Foxed 98% . . . . or better! . . . . but I still gave him more oxygen. He sweated. . . I wiped his forehead. He sat up abruptly as if in an anxious "what is going on?". . . and I held his hand. I held his hand a lot!
And then his left arm got numb!
WHAT?!?!?!? What's that all about?!?!?!?
And his face began to droop.
What the hell is going on???
And his speech slurred.
A fricken' stroke!
And he stooped towards the left side!
Can things get much worse?!?!?!?!?
By "THIS" time, my shift was over. I could have walked home at 7:00 AM! It was my time to leave!!!
But I didn't.
Sometimes it takes time for someone to die. So I stayed.
The on-coming day nurse was well aware of the immediate situation and could very well handle himself.
I still stayed.
And together the day nurse and I stayed with the patient. And we talked to him, and held his hand, and said "It's O. K."
"You are not alone."
At 9:35 he was "pronounced".
And he was not alone.
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Now, I've seen dozens of people die. Held many-a-hand. Said many-a-"It's O.K.".
And it never gets any easier.
And I still find the whole experience SOOOOOO PROFOUND!!!
So sad. . . yet he's free of pain. So scary. . . yet he died knowingly, couragously and. . . YES!. . . peacefully (as peacefully as can be given the pain he was in). So lonely. . . .
Yet he was not alone when he died!
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And I'm left with my memories. My fears. My sadness at witnessing such an profound event that it makes me almost want to scream! ! !
_____________________
I'm left knowing that someday. Somewhere. Hopefully with someone. . . .
I'm going to die.
And I don't want to!!!
I want life to ALWAYS BE!
I WANT TO LIVE!!!!
For another day. Another precious, love-filled day.
adrienurse, LPN
1,275 Posts
Ahh Teddy, that was beautiful. I know what you mean. I've seen so many people die, I've cared for so many hours from their deaths. You know what, I'll never let myself get jaded about this. I'm not a religious person, but each death to me is such a awe-inspiring thing. So holy and precious. Then there are the ones who really stick with you, that will probably always leave an impression with me. You know this is the part of nursing that really reminds me why I became a nurse, and strange as it may sound, these are the moments that I love my job the most.