A patient died today. . . .

[Ted]

I guess I've come to the conclusion that I'm kind of sad and maybe even a bit depressed. I work nights. It is now 6:20 PM and I haven't even been to bed yet. What have I been doing? Two things, probably. One is the obvious. I'm here. . . . here at "Allnurses.com". . . probably for over 7 hours straight!!! Typing. Reading. Typing some more. Editing. Reading. Typing.

I haven't surfed the internet for that length of time in quite a while!

The second thing I'm doing is a bit less obvious. Even to myself. I'm avoiding. What a typical "psycho-babble" term, isn't it?!?!?!?

Avoiding.

But I am.

Avoiding.

I'm sad. I'm scared. And I'm even a bit lonely. (Amy is out taking her evening college course.)

_____________________

I've seen dozens of people die. I've seen them take their last breath. . . . and then. . . . "No more". Today was no different.

Except it was, I guess.

I've only met this gentleman just hours before his death. Four hours to be more precise. He was admitted because of pancytopenia and hypotension probably all secondary to AML. But he was alive when I first met him!!!!!! We talked together. I took his vital signs. I gave him water to drink. He thanked me.

He shared with me!!!! He said that he was ready to go! He said that if anything should "happen" to me, don't do "anything". "Just let me go!"

He was a DNR/DNI. That was official.

And deep down I KNEW he was going to die today.

So I watched him closely. Just watched him sometimes.

He was my ONLY patient so I made sure he had everything done for him per his wishes. . . as best as I could. Sat him up in bed. Gave him pain medication. . . which never seemed to do him much good. So I gave him more.

And repositioned him to his liking. And watched him. And took his vitals when appropriate. And talked to him.

About his family. About how he knew that he was very sick. About pain management. About his heavy breathing. About his grandchildren. About his own children. About his wife who was also ill of health too.

He was in pain. . . and there was not much I could do about it except what I did. He had trouble breathing the WHOLE TIME. . . he always Foxed 98% . . . . or better! . . . . but I still gave him more oxygen. He sweated. . . I wiped his forehead. He sat up abruptly as if in an anxious "what is going on?". . . and I held his hand. I held his hand a lot!

And then his left arm got numb!

WHAT?!?!?!? What's that all about?!?!?!?

And his face began to droop.

What the hell is going on???

And his speech slurred.

A fricken' stroke!

And he stooped towards the left side!

Can things get much worse?!?!?!?!?

By "THIS" time, my shift was over. I could have walked home at 7:00 AM! It was my time to leave!!!

But I didn't.

Sometimes it takes time for someone to die. So I stayed.

The on-coming day nurse was well aware of the immediate situation and could very well handle himself.

I still stayed.

And together the day nurse and I stayed with the patient. And we talked to him, and held his hand, and said "It's O. K."

"You are not alone."

At 9:35 he was "pronounced".

And he was not alone.

_____________________

Now, I've seen dozens of people die. Held many-a-hand. Said many-a-"It's O.K.".

And it never gets any easier.

And I still find the whole experience SOOOOOO PROFOUND!!!

So sad. . . yet he's free of pain. So scary. . . yet he died knowingly, couragously and. . . YES!. . . peacefully (as peacefully as can be given the pain he was in). So lonely. . . .

Yet he was not alone when he died!

_____________________________

And I'm left with my memories. My fears. My sadness at witnessing such an profound event that it makes me almost want to scream! ! !

_____________________

I'm left knowing that someday. Somewhere. Hopefully with someone. . . .

I'm going to die.

And I don't want to!!!

I want life to ALWAYS BE!

I WANT TO LIVE!!!!

For another day. Another precious, love-filled day.

[Liddle Noodnik]

Originally posted by BSNfromMCN

I knew that this experience would come sooner or later, I just wish I knew how to deal with it.

Hi hon,

This IS how you deal with it. Cry, feel, think, talk. It will get better. If you get cold about it you won't be effective. But you will learn to let them go and not feel guilty. One of my first ones I felt so guilty I went to the autopsy to be sure there was nothing more I could have done or shouldn't have done. Believe it or not it helped (he died from a pulmonary embolus, nothing one could have done; back then we didn't use anticoags prophyllactically, am I spelling that right?)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{BSNfromMCN}}}}}}}}

[Liddle Noodnik]

Originally posted by domgo

but is a happy time too, because the people don´t feel more pain in his body and rest, I´m think the death is a natural process of the life, and the important is all what we done and all what we can give to other people and family.

(sorry for my english).

Your English is just fine, you spoke with your heart!

I agree with you! Please keep posting to us!

[Liddle Noodnik]

Originally posted by RNFROG3

the nurse called me at 0200 and said it wouldn't be long. She passed peacefully away at 7:30.

{{{{{{{{{{{{RNFROG3}}}}}}}}}}}

WOW. Awesome. How lucky she was to have you with her.

[RN auditor]

Ted, what a very moving story. May we, as nurses, never forget that every death is profound. What you did for that gentleman that night is what nurses do. There when no one else is, allow someone dignity and comfort until the very end. I hope in my last days on this earth I may have a nurse as caring and concientious as you.

[atownsendrn]

Wow!!! This post is really wonderful. So many touching stories. Thanks to everyone (especially Ted and RNfrog3) for sharing.

[Figo]

Ted I'm thankful you were there for this person. Sometimes that is the only and last thing we can do for them. I have seen many people die and have tried to comfort or pray with them so I know how touched you are for him and how it reminds us of our own mortality. As a Christian I don't believe we die but just go from here to glory. I've seen people leave this earthly body and be so peaceful. You feel the presence in the room when its over and know they are ok. I pray you get some rest and find peace to deal with your own mortality because I believe with all my heart that the spirit man lives forever only the body dies.

[Joycean]

Thank you for sharing. This is one of the many reasons I love nursing. We give a part of us daily.

[RainbowzLPN, LPN]

((((Ted)))))

[LuvbabiesRN]

I am sorry for your loss- but I just wanted to say that that was the most moving thing i have ever read. What a great example of the true compasionate nature of a nurse. If I was dying i would want a nurse to do exactly as you did-- to be there, to actually care. GOD BLESS YOU. Nurses are the best.:)

[nowplayingEDRN]

Ted,

It has been a long time since I have sat and held the hand of one that needed comfort and support through their journey to the other side of life.

I feel for you and my heart bleeds at these words even as tears roll down my cheeks....and the memories flood back.

Okay, so I was one that put the paper work off till the end of the shift, but that was because I was so busy giving myself to my patients......but sometimes it is not easy to leave work at a work....

Sometimes ya just have to sob your heart out into an entire box of tissue.......

Sometimes, it comforts the heart and soul of a patient to know that they are not alone and it is okay to let go.....

And sometimes that patient wants someone to tell the family to go rest, so that they do not have to feel like they must hold on any longer.....somehow; I think, it helps erradicate the guilt of leaving friends and loved ones behind....

Ted, My Friend......I feel for you and am sorry for your loss....

And my heart goes out to you, Ted.....and if we were compadres in the same facility.....We would go and have a beer after a night like that and celebrate the good that we do and the vibrancy of life it's self.

Hugs and Prayers....

Christie

[bubblie]

wow!

you are the reason i want to be a nurse

your compassion moved me

I'm on the road to help just like you did

beginner

[j9rn]

Thanks Ted, I am a noc nurse at a nursing home and have several experiences with a dying person with no family. Just recently was with my 90 yo aunt that had Alzheimer's. I think she knew Mom and I were there for her. And oh the memories I have of her, as she lived right next door with my grandmother while I was growing up. If not for her I wouldn't be a RN. And I'm sure she's up there with the rest of the family I have waiting. Thanks again, Ted, was so nice to know someone else has these feelings.