Gee, thanks, Mom!


I know, I know, I'm on a roll. Last night with the strangling post and now this. What can I say? This is cheaper than counseling. :chuckle

I have posted several times about my mother in the past, how, despite my newly minted MSN and soon-to-be NP, apparently my cousin, her niece, still knows more than I do, despite having only an Associate's Degree. (and no, I am not knocking that, she worked hard for it, it just rankles, and I'll explain why in a minute)

Back in June, my GF contracted bacterial endocarditis. Initially, his WBC count was only 11.4, and with cultures pending, the ER docs did not want to start abx, thinking it was most likely a virus. I was right along with them, seeing as how my preceptor was the Medical Director of that ER. Well, a week goes by, and he did not get better, running fevers, delirious, peeing on himself, etc... Did Mama take him to HIS doc for a follow up? No. Did they respond to the phone call from the ER that the cultures grew out gram + cocci in clusters? No. GF does not make business phone calls because he does not like to. So, I have to listen in the meantime to a barrage of criticism from family about the no abx. Never mind that they did not do the basic thing like TAKE HIM TO THE DOC! No, I just have to listen to them say what idiots we all are. Except Christine. Christine said he NEEDED abx, for a boost. Christine said that a count of 11.4 was low, and that was why he needed them. Even after my aunt, Christine's mother trotted that out in front of the whole family, so as to make me look a fool, and I contradicted with my Patho book to back me up. No dice. And my own mother did not defend me. Of course, she was mystified 2 days later when GF's doc started calling ME instead of her for decisions, but that's another story.

Flash forward a month. I pop a bleeding ulcer in Florida and lose 6 pints of blood. I nearly died, with no one but DH and my in-laws there. Mama and Daddy were all het up to get me home, and then Mama decides she "might not come" to get me. I thought at the time she did not want to see me like that, but more recent instances have made me think differently.

About a month before my graduation, I am having a conversation with Christine online about my clinicals and she makes the comments that, "NP's can't give orders. How would that hold up in a court? Anyone who follows what you say is just setting themselves up." When I told my Mom about this, her response was, "Well, she just does not understand." Dear God, if the situation were reversed and I had said that to Christine, I'd have been persona non grata for the rest of my natural life.

December rolls around, and I am trying to get hold of Christine to ascertain whether or not her little boy has something that I am going to get him for Christmas. She will not answer her phone, return my calls, or speak to me on the Internet. As I am also trying to get several little presents for Mom and Christine's mom to give he boy, I really need to find out what he does and does not have. About a week ago, Christine left a message that she had had some bad news medically, but that everything was OK now, and to call her. She still has yet to answer.

I relayed this to my Mom as we were eating dinner on our way to a concert one night, and her excuse for Christine was that until I dealt with something like that, I would not know how it was. To which I responded, "You know, Mom, I looked death in the face 6 months ago, and while I can't say I was thrilled at the prospect of that, I took my phone calls, including about 10 from Christine."

She made several other various and sundry excuses, and then, the thing I could not then and still really have not come to terms with was said.

"Well, this will sound cold, but I can stand the thought of you dying easier than I can her. You don't have small children."

That really did wonders for the old appetite, let me tell you. My own Mama would rather me die than a cousin, simply because I have yet to spawn. I guess I should have asked her if having just one would do, since Christine has 2, or did I need to try for twins so I'd be worthy.

I suppose I'm overreacting, and I guess i just wanted to vent. The DH thing was bad, but at least he hasn't said he wants me dead. If it wasn't for my Daddy, I don't know what I'd do. I really do not know how to explain how much it hurts to go through all the education to try and better myself and still have your own family treat you like garbage and basically tell you that they'd rather see you dead than someone else. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

dream'n, BSN, RN

1,162 Posts

Specializes in UR/PA, Hematology/Oncology, Med Surg, Psych. Has 30 years experience.

Yes I would be extremely hurt AND angry if my mother said such a thing to me. It sounds like you are surrounded by family members that are emotionally unhealthy for you. I didn't look to see how old you are, but it can take alot of years, hard work, and maturity to learn how to recognize and protect yourself from family members that are unhealthy. Please don't get upset but I would suggest that you try some therapy. Not because anything is wrong with you, but to help you gain strength and to help you grow within yourself so you can make the best decision for you on how to handle these emotionally-crippling relatives. It can help you set limits on their behavior and realize that their actions speak to something wrong in themselves, not you and you will grow to know that winning their praise over your accomplishments is not important.

BelleKat, BSN, RN

1 Article; 284 Posts

Specializes in CVICU, Burns, Trauma, BMT, Infection control. Has 36 years experience.

Gosh I agree with you "thanks Mom". Maybe some distance from her would help?

I've been a nurse for almost 30 years and my Mom comes closer to believing the answer from the church secretary or the check out lady at Publix before she'll believe me sometimes. I pick my battles,if it's not that important I'll let it go. When it was about my Grandmother(her mother) being trached and put in a LTC facility with a vent I put my foot down,especially since gram was a dnr and they didn't see the paperwork in time. Mom came around after hearing the same from her friends(common sense wize) that I was saying.

All I can suggest is pick your battles,your Mom will see how good you are and that your role is different and expanded from that of an RN.

PS. remember that you and Christine are on the same team though,hopefully she will pipedown a little after you are in practice.

Good luck! :)

AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN

2 Articles; 1,291 Posts

Specializes in med-surg, psych, ER, school nurse-CRNP. Has 15 years experience.

Thank you. I'm 28, so you know. I have a background in psych, and I seriously considered talking to someone after this latest kafoffel. I know it isn't me, the older I get the more I realize that her side of the family is twisted. I have always said that we put the funk in dysfunctional. I just never thought, well, I'd never say that to MY child.


2,098 Posts

It may be a little harsh but the unhealthiness only goes away completely if you drop them. Not necessarily forever but long enough for them to realize that you don't need them or their behavior.

Not saying it's the best way but dropping my mother for 2 years let her know that anymore nonsense and I was apt to walk. For good.

No one has a right to make you feel bad. Not even family.


100 Posts

Specializes in CNA.

OH Angelfire....I am sooo sorry you are dealing with this, but I dont have much advice I guess but I too know how it fells to be the expendible member of a clan,that was one of the most thoughtless comments I have ever heard( and coming from my family that is a pretty notorious distinction!)

Keep your chin up and here are a few big hugs((()))

AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN

2 Articles; 1,291 Posts

Specializes in med-surg, psych, ER, school nurse-CRNP. Has 15 years experience.

As for Christine piping down, well, she has a job now with an insurance company...and was gloating a while back that they would pay for her to go back to school for her BSN and partial NP. So, me being me, I had to ask, "Why would you want to be an NP if you can't do anything and anyone who listens to you is setting themselves up?"

As you might imagine, went over like a lead balloon. However, had she said it to me, it would have been OK, I am sure.

dream'n, BSN, RN

1,162 Posts

Specializes in UR/PA, Hematology/Oncology, Med Surg, Psych. Has 30 years experience.

Trust me, my extended family could be a movie of a week. It is so much harder dealing with them than it could ever be with the worst psych patient I could imagine. It took me a long time to even start to acknowledge that they are the ones that are unhealthy and to start building up my own self. I had to completely remove myself from my extended family for quite awhile, and only recently have started letting those that are positive influences back into my and my immediate families lives.

BelleKat, BSN, RN

1 Article; 284 Posts

Specializes in CVICU, Burns, Trauma, BMT, Infection control. Has 36 years experience.

On second thought,get away from them,they don't deserve you.

Get some therapy so you can get more confident and move where you won't have to deal with them and deal with them only IF THEY behave.


GadgetRN71, ASN, RN

1 Article; 1,840 Posts

Specializes in Operating Room. Has 17 years experience.

Oh Angelfire, my heart broke when I read what your mom said to you. No, I don't think you are overreacting at all. I don't have kids yet, and to some in my family, that makes me not quite 100% valuable as a person. Never mind that some of these people that have kids, I wouldn't let them water my houseplants. :no:

Unfortunately, some of us have toxic family members. Just know that you ARE a valuable person and you have accomplished much to be proud of. Sending a big hug to you, from one black sheep to another.


6 Posts

Specializes in LTC.

you are not alone. i too have a mom very similar. there is just not enough room or time to tell you about it. the competition thing runs so rampant in my family. i still do argue w/my mom, but at a very minimum. you see, there has been a trust issue broken between us and i have become very independent of my family. i love my mother and have grown to understand she will not change into what i want, she has grown quite a lot in recent years though. for that, i am proud. there is always the inner child in me that desperately wants an apology and for her to finally be proud of me, i guess thats why i still sometimes do argue w/her. time and distance did heal some of this (not miles distance, she actually lives kind of close, oh and the serenity prayer-big time). anyhow, i do have children and there is no way i could ever look them in the face and say that i would have an easier time seeing... i can't even type it. rest assured you have someone in your corner who does understand though, my mom once told me she loved her dog more than she never apologized and i don't think she ever will. its so hard when your own mother says these kind of things. you are wonderful, you don't have to have children to prove it, because you too, were a child yourself once...her child. and i know its hard, but don't stress yourself by bringing the books out to prove yourself (man, you sound so much like me), just try to listen more than talk, be confident in yourself by just observing them blabber about whatever they want and talk about anything but nursing...if they ask about something related to it, give a "yes" or "no" or "i don't know" answer, be kind though as to not stir up trouble, as the saying goes "kill them (not literally) with kindness. ok, sorry, i tend to go on and on. hope this helps and if you ever need to vent, you can contact me, you know where to find me. :icon_hug:

ring in the new year with a great sense of pride in yourself!!! :clpty:*wine2009!!!

Specializes in Med Surg, Ortho.

Sounds like pure jealousy to me. They probably just can't stand the fact that you've bettered yourself and have a great education.

I agree with other posters to distance yourself for a while. I've been hurt by family members as well and it hurts, I know all too well. Jealousy is a terrible thing!

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