Hi - Wondering if any gay nurses have an insight into some concerns i've been having...
How much do you self-disclose about yourself? What do you say when patients assume you are straight, and ask you about your girlfriend/wife? How about when they assume you are gay?!? How appropriate is it to be out to them? to your co-workers? Certainly there is a double standard, as straight nurses would be 'out' at work (by talking about thier family, or feeling comfortable self-disclosing about their family), but what techniques do you use at work?
Oh, and if you respond - please mention a little about what kind of nursing you do.
Thanks so much!
EDIT: Thanks for the first several responses - I wanted to update my question a little. I guess I am asking specifically about the situation when patients ask about your personal life (which, during nursing school, we were taught not to disclose, since the focus should be on the pt. not on the nurse.) But at the same time, we have to build a healty, healing relationship... answers?
that is surely a difficult question... i would have to say that you should do what you feel is right.. i myself am not gay, i do however have many friends that are. they are all wonderful, and excellent nurses. it is a touchy subject though when asked that by a pt. i have been asked if i was gay a lot of times.. .. it is entirely up to you on how you handle that question.. one of my friends answers it by saying *no, would it matter if i were?*.. just last week one of his pts (male) responding by saying *yes.. it sure would! because you are way too good looking not to be! i was hoping that you were!*hahahah.. needless to say, we all got a chuckle out of it in the break room!
Hmm after re-reading this post I just have to think. I am 100% not comfortable talking about my sexual orientation with anyone but family, close friends ive had since I was 10 and my partner of 4 years. It is very very rare that I tell other people outside that norm, but it has happened. I dont have anything to do with the gay community or many gay friends.. It just doesnt appeal to me. People at school and in the hospital just have no need to know that about me. It doesnt change my nursing care.
I have never really examined why I prefer to keep this private. However on thursday for clinical I had an awkward experience. I was sitting at a lunch table with 3 other girls in my class, two of whom I do talk to often and both who know about my partner. One of the guys from a term ahead of us came over and sat next to me and everyone was just doing thier chatting thing while I ate. Turns out the guy that sat down next to me decided he was gonna "come out" right there, and let it be known very loudly to us at the table. "Honey girl, let me tell you, im gay and id break that guy like a chicken nugget" is what he said motioning to an attractive young doctor across from our table. I nearly fell out of my chair.
It kinda shell shocked me a bit. Im pretty out going and talkative but after he said that I turned beat red and just went totally silent. I really dont know why. I think it might be a comfort level of mine being invaded? I still probably have issues about being THAT open in public because of my military family up bringing. I really dont know. But it got "worse." One of the girls who I am friends with noticed I was so embarassed by his statement and looked over at me and said, "Oh ian please, from the day you got into our class I knew you were gay!" and she turned to my other friend and told her, "right?" She meant it in a loving way, was smiling and laughing, but she had no idea how that was like my worst nightmare. I was just so mortified the only thing I could do back was give a weak smile and try to change the subject.
As tweety said its all about being comfortable with yourself. I just turned 23 and am still coming to terms with being gay. I dont tell people because I dont want them to think differently of me, or feel uncomfortable around me. When I figured out I was gay I never had the urge to go do the club thing, or make gay friends, to this day that just doesnt appeal to me. Even now for the most part in school/clinicals if someone asks me if I have a girlfriend, I just kinda change the subject. Ugh now that I typed all that out I guess I have alot to think about huh? What would you guys suggest?
I think there's a lot of stuff going on. First off, if you come from a military family PDA is frowned on, let alone discussing personal stuff. So there's one thing. Secondly, I'd also bet your folks would be pretty freaked and there's another. And third, it isn't easy to accept that you are a minority and subject to dislike and discrimination, so staying invisible makes you less of a mark. In a word, fear. And maybe a soupcon of guilt and shame.
You'll come to terms with yourself in time. Do what makes you comfortable, and there's no reason on earth you can't tell your friends at work to keep their mouths shut about your business, period.
Hmm after re-reading this post I just have to think. I am 100% not comfortable talking about my sexual orientation with anyone but family, close friends ive had since I was 10 and my partner of 4 years. It is very very rare that I tell other people outside that norm, but it has happened. I dont have anything to do with the gay community or many gay friends.. It just doesnt appeal to me. People at school and in the hospital just have no need to know that about me. It doesnt change my nursing care.
I have never really examined why I prefer to keep this private. However on thursday for clinical I had an awkward experience. I was sitting at a lunch table with 3 other girls in my class, two of whom I do talk to often and both who know about my partner. One of the guys from a term ahead of us came over and sat next to me and everyone was just doing thier chatting thing while I ate. Turns out the guy that sat down next to me decided he was gonna "come out" right there, and let it be known very loudly to us at the table. "Honey girl, let me tell you, im gay and id break that guy like a chicken nugget" is what he said motioning to an attractive young doctor across from our table. I nearly fell out of my chair.
It kinda shell shocked me a bit. Im pretty out going and talkative but after he said that I turned beat red and just went totally silent. I really dont know why. I think it might be a comfort level of mine being invaded? I still probably have issues about being THAT open in public because of my military family up bringing. I really dont know. But it got "worse." One of the girls who I am friends with noticed I was so embarassed by his statement and looked over at me and said, "Oh ian please, from the day you got into our class I knew you were gay!" and she turned to my other friend and told her, "right?" She meant it in a loving way, was smiling and laughing, but she had no idea how that was like my worst nightmare. I was just so mortified the only thing I could do back was give a weak smile and try to change the subject.
As tweety said its all about being comfortable with yourself. I just turned 23 and am still coming to terms with being gay. I dont tell people because I dont want them to think differently of me, or feel uncomfortable around me. When I figured out I was gay I never had the urge to go do the club thing, or make gay friends, to this day that just doesnt appeal to me. Even now for the most part in school/clinicals if someone asks me if I have a girlfriend, I just kinda change the subject. Ugh now that I typed all that out I guess I have alot to think about huh? What would you guys suggest?
The only thing that bothers me about your post is that you live in one of the Gay Meccas of the world (or you live close to Miami) and don't want gay friends, or do "gay things". To each his/her own and we all are on different journeys, but to me, I find so much comfort in my gay friends, and doing gay bowling, gay friendly church, gay film festivals, politics, cruises, theater, etc. I do not go clubbing.
I had a military upbringing and I'm much older, so I'm still not comfortable outing myself in a big crowd and can't say that I ever do it. I never, ever, every deny it when people ask. I made that promise to myself many years ago, and that's how I've come out at work. Someone asked, and I said yes, we talked about it, and then word spread. I didn't walk in and say "I'm gay!".
Don't let anyone define who you are and how to act, and whether or not you need to be "out" or not. Those are very personal decisions. I do hope that as you become comfortable with yourself, you'll also become comfortable with your community and make some friends and participate.
Utilimately the one thing that rings true in your post is that it doesn't change or have anything to do with what kind of nurse you are and the care you provide.
Yea its going to take me a bit to get more comfortable with the gay community. When I was first figuring out that I was gay a friend of mine at school brought me to a "gay party" over in wilton mannors, the gay area of town. At the time I was just really disgusted because I got solicited for sex by a few guys and other guys putting thier arms around me or reaching under my shirt to feel my chest. People I had never met before. I felt very degraded and like my personal bubble had been horribly violated. Yea I know that of course it was isolated, not all gay people are like that. To me at the time though being 18 and never seeing that kinda lifestyle before and being very old fashioned myself, it just left me with no desire to get a sense of the gay community beyond that.
I met my partner shortly after that through a friend of mine and have been with him since. Im 23 now. Carlos is very comfortable with the gay community and has made many gay/lesbian friends, whom I have in turn become very close with. Just in the past 2 months I have been spending more time with them, and they have been trying to get me outta my "shell." as they call it by taking me to gay areas and trying to expose me to more cultured people in our community. Dont get me wrong, im not a self hating homosexual, I just was never exposed to the community in a positive way, does that make sense?
It is a process. As you say tweety, you have many years of experience and figuring yourself out. You can see where I am coming from background wise so you know its isnt easy for me, but lately I have been trying to develop a better sense of community. Currently I am taking it very slowly, at a comfortable pace for myself. We have wine every friday night at a wine bar over in the Wilton Mannors. Its very relaxing and we get to meet very interesting people.
Eventually I will become more in tune with my homosexual brethern, after all I know the community has alot to offer. I have just been figuring out that I am much more comfortable with the OLDER crowd then the young ones, I.e. guys/gals my own age. They are just too explosive for me hehe. I much rather prefer the mellow older gay community.
Once again I wrote a wall of text, dont think I made much sense, its been a long day! I spent 8 hours in clinical in the OR today ^^ I got to see two left thyroid removal surgeries and some of a hysterectomy. (time was up haflway through). Anyhoo this lil engine has to get to choo chooing over his cardio notes for the test minana!
I have never really examined why I prefer to keep this private. However on thursday for clinical I had an awkward experience. I was sitting at a lunch table with 3 other girls in my class, two of whom I do talk to often and both who know about my partner. One of the guys from a term ahead of us came over and sat next to me and everyone was just doing thier chatting thing while I ate. Turns out the guy that sat down next to me decided he was gonna "come out" right there, and let it be known very loudly to us at the table. "Honey girl, let me tell you, im gay and id break that guy like a chicken nugget" is what he said motioning to an attractive young doctor across from our table. I nearly fell out of my chair.
It kinda shell shocked me a bit. Im pretty out going and talkative but after he said that I turned beat red and just went totally silent. I really dont know why. I think it might be a comfort level of mine being invaded? I still probably have issues about being THAT open in public because of my military family up bringing. I really dont know. But it got "worse." One of the girls who I am friends with noticed I was so embarassed by his statement and looked over at me and said, "Oh ian please, from the day you got into our class I knew you were gay!" and she turned to my other friend and told her, "right?" She meant it in a loving way, was smiling and laughing, but she had no idea how that was like my worst nightmare. I was just so mortified the only thing I could do back was give a weak smile and try to change the subject.
The outburst from that guy was so 'high school' its not even funny. But then again, this IS south Florida and there are a lot of gay people everywhere here, so maybe he thought it was no big deal to just come out and say stuff like that. Maybe he did it to get your attention. Maybe he's attracted to you, or tying to befriend you...who knows? People do strange things sometimes.
I am straight, but have nursed long enough in a smaller community to have had to put up with pre-conceptions that many had that all male nurses must be gay. Times have changed, however, so I find that it's rarely an issue about assumptions.
As for disclosing personal information - I'm a pretty private person, and disclose very little, so I'm not really "out" as heterosexual per se either. I have a close group of coworkers that I am more comfortable being around, meaning I get along with everyone but selectively choose who I share personal info with. I'm not electing to be secretive about my personal life, I just don't want to bring my personal life and family into work with me any more than I have to. I've been with my current employer for 13 years, am the only charge nurse, and head of the union, but I still hear murmurings from people that don't know me well that I must be gay (based on ? being a nurse? appearing that most of my coworker 'friends' are female? I really have no idea...but it comes from the gene pool bottom dwellers), even though I've been married to my wife for almost 20 years and really don't hide the fact; I just don't announce it.
People will respect you and your privacy. Those that don't won't target you, they are just morons and would do it to everybody.
Every hospital and each unit within that hospital has it's own culture so I don't think that any blanket advice is appropriate at all work places.
Most places where I've worked I've been the only one on the floor so I still have yet to see where all of these supposed gay nurses are because I rarely work with any of them despite the stereotype.
There are several where I work now and they all of course had to feel me out and ask the usual questions when I first started to see if I was gay or not, but I think everyone does that. The entire crew, straight and gay, hang out together even outside of work without any problems but not all units are this way.
That way, I'm making it quite clear of what I am without offending co-workers who get tired of having the "gay agenda" or "people's sexuality" thrown in their face.
Of course straight sexuality is never thrown in our face at work but that's a whole other topic.
Trust me, you need to make it very clear from the beginning or as time goes on you're going to have awkward moments such as female co-workers asking you out on dates and people asking about when they are going to get to meet your wife/girlfriend etc.
Some straight co-workers will get hurt that you didn't think enough of them to share that part of your life with them while others will be repulsed at the mere mention of it so you need to be careful with how you present it.
Of course it's not something that needs to be announced to the unit on your first day of orientation but I can tell you from experience, the longer you wait, the more awkward it gets.
I've worked LTC, Med/Surg, ICU, and PACU in several different states and every place and floor is different with their attitude toward gays.
You'll always have the cool hip folks who like to go to gay clubs with you, the testosterone pumped ER/ICU junkie who's scared to death that someone will think he's gay if he stands too close to you, the suburban mother RN who pretends that gay life doesn't really exist but prays for you at church on sunday,etc.
You'll be able to feel your co-workers out and do it appropriately.
I've worked for 32 years in different states and in different specialties. One's sexuality has never been an issue. Professionalism, integrity, honesty were issues regardless of gender, race or body type. Nobody ever cared what the others sexuality was.
Specializes in Hematology/Oncology/BMT - and - HIV/AIDS.
Well - actually, I am one of those very out people - and in certain settings, I turn my filters off...because, it's fun! But, being out and being inappropriate in the work place are two different things.
When asked a personal question by a patient, I (as any nurse in any situation should do) skillfully redirect the question. I practice those techniques in my mirror so I can redirect without a nasty look on my face or demonstrating fear. "Mr. Jones, I'm sure that question is important to you right now - but in order for me to give you the best care I need to know from you...."
Someone here wrote that one of his patient's asked the gay question by saying: "Because I thought you were cute and I was hoping you were gay." It still remains an issue of professionalism - once the cat is out of the bag, do gay male nurses want to maintain the image of sexual preditor (the equivalent of the female nurse with the low-cut nursing outfit and push-up bra)? The response is as easy as: "Mr. Smith, that is very sweet of you to say, but let's talk about your hypertension right now." It acknowledges the compliment, takes the embarrassment off of him for being so bold, but re-establishes your relationship as a care provider/patient. Even if the guy asking is cute - as Olympia Dukakis said in Moonstruck: "A little something my mother used to say: Don't **** where you eat."
As for coworkers: Even in San Francisco, I have had a few less than receptive preceptors. But although I am a strong activist on queer issues, on the floor, my role is to provide nursing care for patients. Even as a student, I have advocated for gay patients with nursing staff (this is why I can identify the less than receptive preceptors). But, their problems are not my issue - my issue is that everyone who comes into the hospital gets expert, safe, and non-judgmental care. I don't care what kind of bigoted life you live on the outside, don't bring it to work with you. Providing nursing care is not about you - its about the patient.
Queer activism has a place in any work setting - especially in nursing! Our sexuality informs us and our practice, and those who are sexual minorities are in the unenviable place to take risks and be out - not because of our personal lives and goals, but because of our ability to raise the quality of care for our brothers and sisters who often get abused by institutions including the healthcare industry for being LGBTI or Q. But we don't have to be saying things like "I would break him like a chicken nugget" as someone observed one fool student saying to a group of people he didn't know. Discretion still has a place in our world!
nghtfltguy, BSN, RN
314 Posts
that is surely a difficult question... i would have to say that you should do what you feel is right.. i myself am not gay, i do however have many friends that are. they are all wonderful, and excellent nurses. it is a touchy subject though when asked that by a pt. i have been asked if i was gay a lot of times.. .. it is entirely up to you on how you handle that question.. one of my friends answers it by saying *no, would it matter if i were?*.. just last week one of his pts (male) responding by saying *yes.. it sure would! because you are way too good looking not to be! i was hoping that you were!*hahahah.. needless to say, we all got a chuckle out of it in the break room!