Gay Nurses... help!

[quakerkid]

Hi - Wondering if any gay nurses have an insight into some concerns i've been having...

How much do you self-disclose about yourself? What do you say when patients assume you are straight, and ask you about your girlfriend/wife? How about when they assume you are gay?!? How appropriate is it to be out to them? to your co-workers? Certainly there is a double standard, as straight nurses would be 'out' at work (by talking about thier family, or feeling comfortable self-disclosing about their family), but what techniques do you use at work?

Oh, and if you respond - please mention a little about what kind of nursing you do.

Thanks so much!

EDIT: Thanks for the first several responses - I wanted to update my question a little. I guess I am asking specifically about the situation when patients ask about your personal life (which, during nursing school, we were taught not to disclose, since the focus should be on the pt. not on the nurse.) But at the same time, we have to build a healty, healing relationship... answers?

[TheBestMaxEver]

It's all about the therapeutic communication man -- Whenever a patient turns the topic toward me, I slyly refocus it back toward them...

IE: "So you must have a beautiful wife???" --- Nope still single. Very busy with school and all. So is your leg feeling any better now that we got you that shot???

I just think it sounds better than "Hospital policy prevents me from disclosing information about my personal life"

[DanFNP]

I agree. If someone asks you personal questions you're not comfortable with, just wisely turn the question back around to patient care. People are always much more interested in talking about themselves, so that usually does the job!

[Protonprimary]

I've spent the last year working as a sitter. When I'm in the room with one patient for 8 hours and they keep asking (or, in some cases, accusing), I run out of diversions and sometimes have to fall back on "I don't want to discuss that with you." But I've been gay long enough to know that when someone's particularly curious, a dodge is as good as an answer.

I don't advocate offering any personal information to my patients. Sometimes, however, it's not so easily avoided; with our without my intent.

[TLCinCICU]

I did have a patient once who pushed me to the point I almost wanted to burst into rainbow flames at the end of the shift and say "By the way, a big ol' queen has been your nurse all day!" He was demonstrably racist and from an area of the state where there is a rumored active KKK group. He wouldn't allow either of our techs on duty that day to put him on a bedpan, give him a bath - anything that compromised his modesty. (One tech was an African-American male. The other was Hindu female. Each of them was both personable and professional.) He would shoo them out of the room and ask for his nurse if they even poked their head in to answer his call light. However, my own conscience wouldn't allow it. He'd felt comfortable with me all day (frequent stooling from a lower GI bleed) and shown me only kindness and gratitude. My desire to make a rather emphatic point wasn't important enough to risk undoing whatever progress he'd made throughout the day by adding anger & stress to his CICU stay.

[MQ Edna]

i havent been asked if i was gay by any patient yet. Surprisingly, they prefer me over the women. i had fellow students question my sexuality or thats how i interpreted it, "1st day of class and took some lotion out my backpack and lotioned my hands when a female asked for a squeeze, then she asked me was it womens lotion" i'm like ***, now she likes me and said back then she was just testing me. all i could do was laugh. i have no problem with homosexuals in the workplace, the thing that bothers me is that some of them just want attention for being gay.

... and you don't want attention for being straight? Maybe not you in particular, but you could say the same thing for co-workers that flaunt wedding photos, children's pics, ginormous wedding bands, etc... so when we express that we are hapily involved or would like to be involved with someone of the same sex... then it's a cry for attention? I know you didn't mean to offend, but I think it's a double-standard that most are not really sensitive too.

[MQ Edna]

I believe that if I trust someone enough with that information then I will tell them. If they ask me a direct question I will not lie to them. If they judge me there are laws in place that protect me. I do my job because it's my job, not to talk about my personal life. When my co-workers and I have down time conversations do come up and I am usually open and free unless I think it would put a strain on the professional relationship which could trickle down to pt. care. If someone knows and has a problem with it, again, eeoc.

[sofaraway04]

I am out at work to all my colleagues and haven't expereinced any problems at all. my partner was invited along to a works night out (couldn't go in the end because we were ill), people were very happy for us when we got engaged earlier this year. I feel able to talk about my partner in the same way that other chat about their partners and familes.

I have never come out to a patient. I have never been asked either i don't "look gay" so it's not obvious when I'm in uniform. If I'm asked whather I'm married I just say engaged and let the patients assume whatever thye want.

I did read something recently about LGBT pateints feeling that it was positive for them to have out health care professionals.

[SÆLUM]

I'm starting my first full year in our college of nursing (will be a junior... already had a quarter of nursing-specific classes and prereqs before that), and I'm out to EVERYBODY in my cohort . During lecture one day (ie with all 80 of us present), our teacher did the diversity in religion/upgringing/race/etc (x50) thing where you go to front of the room if you are or know such and such. Of course, as we are walking back up to our spots after the "I know someone who is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender" where everybody goes up, she says, "I identify as lgbt." Turning midstride, I make my way back to the front, and break the ensuing moment of awkward/expectant silence with a good natured and slightly embarrased "yaaay," to which the room erupts in laughter, and I walk back to my male ROTC friends. I think there are eight guys in a cohort of about 80.

Yay for the cliché: be myself. I am open about my sexuality to peers, but usually only in passing or whatever would be normal in conversation... ie when talking about significant others, who's attractive, etc. I can't say about in the hospital, as I start clinicals this fall... though I hope to stay professional yet honest. Agreeing with Sofaraway04, if I were a gay patient, I'd feel good knowing my nurse (or whomever) was gay as well.

[KansasFNP]

I've had someone say "So do you have a girlfriend Josh?" I responded with "I am currently in a relationship." and then focused the conversation back on the pt and her care. I am there to get information from the pt. not vice versa.

[Miwila]

I am very evasive when patients ask about my private life. Coming from a conservative background I am very careful about offending people who might disagree with my lifestyle so I usually tell people I don't like the stress of relationships, or I'll make a joke about how I'm way too selfish to want to get married and support a family. So I tell the truth without telling the whole truth.

I find dealing with the questions of co-workers to be more trickier than patients because co-workers don't go away. You don't want to offend anyone but I have noticed in my working life it is the most homophobic people who are the most persistent in trying to find out about your private life, and they are persistent, I believe, because they already suspect I'm gay and want confirmation of it. Now if they suspect I am part of a "lifestyle" they don't approve of why even go there with me?

[Anubis]

My 2 cents....I am just starting out in nursing after spending 15 years in I.T. I never felt it necessary to discuss my personal life in the office, as it has no place there, period. I have never been ashamed of being gay, but I realized early on that it really makes absolutely no difference on how good I am at my work, so I never made an issue of it or allowed it to come to work with me.

I'm not effeminate, but I'm also not a knuckle-dragging neanderthal either. I'm a broad-chested, bearded, shaved-head bear, covered in fur and several tattoos...I probably look like a Hell's Angel to some people, but those who know me know that I'm really a big teddy-bear with a good heart. A lot of my co-workers never figured out the truth, but a few them did, and it was never an issue with them because they knew I knew my job well, and I was hard-working and dependable.

Just be yourself, focus on being the very best you can be at your job, and keep your personal life where it belongs. To quote Olympia Dukakis from my favorite movie, Moonstruck, "Don't **** where you eat."

[jewishhatmaker]

As a male nursing student I realize that there are different stereotypes that we will have to deal with. I am 20 years old, and recently married the love of my life, my best friend and now my wife:) She is amazing. If someone asks me if I have a girlfriend or wife I am sure that if they are asking me at the appropriate time I will tell them, "yes, I am happily married." But if I do not wish to reveal that to them for whatever reason that is my choice as well. My personal beliefs (which effect every part of my life) may or may not agree with the gay lifestyle but it is still not my place to judge others. I have been working in a hospital for over a year now and I work with several gay men and women and I have found them all to be just as competent as the next person at their jobs. If you are competent at your job I do not care about your sexual orientation. My personal beliefs about whether it is wrong or right do not mean that I have a right to judge you. That is not up to me and should have no bearing on how I treat you at work.