Funny things patients say !

Nurses Humor

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While working in the emergency room I was taking care of a 90 year old lady who came in by wheelchair from a local rest home. Her complaint was right leg swelling and we found an obvious deformity of the femur but she denied any pain. An x-ray revealed a femur facture and the orthopedist was called. It was quite a long wait and I heard the patient call out "nurse come in here". I went to her and she asked me to get her up into her wheelchair, I explained to her that her leg was broken and she needed to stay in bed. She replied very seriously "only one of them is broken I can still scoot around in my chair now get me up out of this bed!"

Specializes in Intermediate care.

i was doing education on coumadin to a man a few years older than me. (im 23). he had valve replacement.

You could tell he was of lower education, because he was watching the disney channel, and very child like shows. I could tell i really didn't have his attention with my teachings, but i tried doing the best i could and using every resource available to me to teach him.

i was like

Do you have any questions i can clarify for you?

"yes. Did you know that there are 2 willie wonka and the chocolate factory movies?"

DID YOU NOT GET ANYTHING I SAID ABOUT COUMADIN? yikes....i wonder how he is doing on this.

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Specializes in ICU.

Long termer post heart surgery dude:

Him: "Scratch my balls".

Me: "Um - NO. "

:lol2:

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i was doing education on coumadin to a man a few years older than me. (im 23). he had valve replacement.

You could tell he was of lower education, because he was watching the disney channel, and very child like shows. I could tell i really didn't have his attention with my teachings, but i tried doing the best i could and using every resource available to me to teach him.

i was like

Do you have any questions i can clarify for you?

"yes. Did you know that there are 2 willie wonka and the chocolate factory movies?"

DID YOU NOT GET ANYTHING I SAID ABOUT COUMADIN? yikes....i wonder how he is doing on this.

I'm wondering how watching the disney channel equals lower education? I mean, I suppose I can see your point in it being child-like, but people of all ages/backgrounds still watch the disney channel. I know a few friends who do and they're not "of lower education". Just curious.

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An older, 70-something y/o gent was admitted onto the floor where I'm a student nurse.

During my assessment, I ask, "Do you know why you're here?" He replies, "My daughter called 911 on me because she thought I was acting weird when we spoke on the phone. Of course I was acting weird! I drank half a bottle of rum!!!!"

We begin to speak about where he lives, etc. He tells me the location, which I am familiar with. It's a bad part of town plagued by gangs, drugs, violence. It also has lots of steep, steep hills, which can feel like a 100% incline! He tells me, "Man, my neighborhood is so depressing!" So I ask why, thinking he would say because the neighborhood is so bad. Instead, he says, "Everywhere you go there is a f-ing hill! Everytime I see one of those hills I get depressed because my a$$ has to make it up there to get home!" LOL

After cleaning this man up, changing his clothes, sheets, etc. he looked pristine! Off I go on my 1 hour lunch break, only to return to see this man sitting in his underwear with one sock on, beds a mess and he's eating his lunch. There is cole slaw EVERYWHERE...on his legs, his feet, chest, face and all over his bed. I asked, "What happened to you?!" His reply? "Oh, this cole slaw grew some legs and walked away! All over my bed, my legs. I left it in the bed incase I get hungry later. And on my legs. My legs are hungry! My bones need some food too!" :)

He then states, "Man, I wish I could smoke. I wanna get outta here!" I say, "Mr. Patient, smoking cigarettes is no good for you anyway!" He replies, "Ma'am, I aint talking about cigarettes...I'm talking about the "five-fingered plant! (weed)" LOL I found this hysterical, considering his age, that he's smoking weed! I KNOW I shouldn't have replied with this, but I did (don't forget I'm a student, and I do make mistakes!) I say, "Ahh, a little bit of weed never killed anyone!" to which he replied, "Ma'am, I don't smoke a little bit of weed; I smoke A LOT of weed!!!" LMAO

Needless to say, he gave me many laughs that day :)

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This isn't from a patient, but from her daughter. My patient was a morbidly obese woman in her 60's. She had a full on beard, just like a man.

A little while after I arrived on the floor, a woman in her 40's comes walking down the hallway. She's clearly a drug addict (her jerking body movements, overall appearance). I see she has a full on beard as well and I think "Oh god, this is her daughter!" She walks into my patient's room and goes, "HEY SEXY!!!!!" to her mother. LOL

She gets to talking and tells us last time she was in this hospital was when she was diagnosed HIV+. Not shocking, considering her drug abuse. She says she likes "her man's" hospital much better. "He's been there for a year, on life-support." So we ask why, of course and get this response...in front of her MOTHER. "Well, it was my birthday, and my mans was pleasing me. And it was gooood. So after we finishing making love, I called mommy to tell her I got the golden one (an orgasm, I figured out). I was on the phone with mommy and I said Mommy, I gotta call you back. he aint breathing. So i called 911 and they said he was dead for 45 mins. but they got him back and he's been on life support since. I almost killed my mans with that crazy sex. Too much viagra too. His heart couldn't handle this!!"

Oh, I nearly bit off the side of my cheek to keep from laughing LOL

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this isn't from a patient, but from her daughter. my patient was a morbidly obese woman in her 60's. she had a full on beard, just like a man.

a little while after i arrived on the floor, a woman in her 40's comes walking down the hallway. she's clearly a drug addict (her jerking body movements, overall appearance). i see she has a full on beard as well and i think "oh god, this is her daughter!" she walks into my patient's room and goes, "hey sexy!!!!!" to her mother. lol

she gets to talking and tells us last time she was in this hospital was when she was diagnosed hiv+. not shocking, considering her drug abuse. she says she likes "her man's" hospital much better. "he's been there for a year, on life-support." so we ask why, of course and get this response...in front of her mother. "well, it was my birthday, and my mans was pleasing me. and it was gooood. so after we finishing making love, i called mommy to tell her i got the golden one (an orgasm, i figured out). i was on the phone with mommy and i said mommy, i gotta call you back. he aint breathing. so i called 911 and they said he was dead for 45 mins. but they got him back and he's been on life support since. i almost killed my mans with that crazy sex. too much viagra too. his heart couldn't handle this!!"

oh, i nearly bit off the side of my cheek to keep from laughing lol

oh my god!!!!wow! thats all i can say is funny and sad

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Specializes in IMCU.

Patient detoxing from ETOH seems OK with no obvious hallucinations and denies them.

Her IV pump starts beeping while I finish up the CIWA. She promptly picks up her room telephone and proceeds to have a conversation with no one on the other end. It was so comical. I feel guilty about laughing.

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I work in LTC. One night I was trying to get one of our pleasantly confused residents to stay in bed. Out of nowhere she asks me, "Do you wear Kotex?" I paused for a moment and said, "I sure do." Then she says, "Well I don't think we should have to pay for them!" LOL! I agreed with her then she started talking about my husband and If he knew about it. Lol, I am not married. She is one of my favoites!! :-)

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This weekend I was working the dementia unit in LTC. I was at the med cart when one of the residents pulled up in his wheelchair right behind me. I didn't think much of it, since the unit is full of people who walk or wheel up and down the halls all day, and usually they sit there for a minute then go around the cart. I went into a room to give an insulin shot, and when I came back out that resident had pulled up further so his knees were against the drawers of the cart. I said, "Mr. B., that's MY spot! I can't do my job if you're in my spot!" to which he replied, "But it's a really cute little spot!" then looked at my backside and grinned. :doh:

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today my 98 yr old patient (home care have worked with her for over 6 years) who by the way is 100% alert and oriented she has NO mental problems at all ................I walk in her bedroom and say mrs H how are you feeling?.....she says " How am i feeling....HOW AM I FEELING ????........i'M FEELING SEXY IS HOW I'M FEELING" .............I could not stop laughing

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Specializes in geriatrics, dementia, ortho.

Gotta love trying to explain foley catheters to people with dementia...

I heard a man hollering in his room at the hospital I work at, so I go in there and he's trying to get out of bed. I ask him why, and he says because he has to pee. He's got a foley. I tell him he won't have to, there's a tube draining all his pee right now. He doesn't get it and tries to stand up again. I show him the tube, he still tries to stand up. I tell him I want him to get back in bed, he tells me if he does he'll pee in the bed. I tell him that's fine and I will clean it up. Finally I say "I put a funnel there for you to pee into and it will go in this bag" and hold up the collection bag.

A look of recognition dawns on his face "OH! Is that a p*ss bag?!?"

LOL yep.

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Specializes in Long term care.

I was very excited to find out I was getting a nursing student. It felt great to go from being a student to teaching one. I had met this gal before. She was one of the most sweet and kind beople I had ever met. The kind of nice that if you kicked her, she would apalogize for being in the way of your foot. When she told me who she chose as a patient, it took everything I had to keep a straight face. I got to know this patient when I was a student. I was able to distract my student with labs, and I ran to speak with my lady. (She hated being referred to as a patient, so I called her my lady.) I told her she was getting a student nurse and begged her to be nice. The evil grin appeared.

My lady led a very rough lifestyle. She was a former prostitute and IV drug user. She had hep C, ESRD on dialysis, quick wit, and a dark sense of humor. She was one of my favorite people of all time. Once I told her I was a recovering alcoholic, there was an instant bond.

I warned the student that my lady was "rough around the edges", but a great person to learn from. I stood outside of the room, and to my surprise, my lady was being nice, tolerating nursing student questions well. Then the student began "educating" my lady on her lifestyle. I thought , oh no, but she sat back and listened to how dangerous drugs and prostitution were. I froze, I didn't have time to intervine. She picked up her hairbrush and said, "Well, I guess everything comes at a price, I used to be the highest paid hooker out there." The trap was set. The student asked, "Why is that?" My lady replied, "Cuz I ain't got no teeth." Then bit down on her hairbrush handle. I stepped in and told my student I needed help with somehing. She gladly ran out.

She freaked out! She probably thinks I was judging her. I told her that she was just messing with her. Two years ago I was the student "educating" her. Her response to me was, "OMG!! You're telling me that by hundreds of men sticking their ----- in my ---- I could get a disease? Wished I knew that before. I'm not as f-----g stupid as you look!"

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