Funny things patients say !

TAM · Sep 21, 1998

A young man being told by the surgeon he needed to have an operation questions the surgeon "are you going to have to cut me?"

Bellacarla · Sep 25, 1998

Then there was this lady coming into the OB/GYN that wanted a "snap smear"......

needless to say, there was some patient teaching to be done!!!

TAM · Sep 26, 1998

then, there was a young lady in the OB/GYN office for a routine exam and the physician inquired "are you sexually active?"

The lady replied "no, I usually just lay there"

MrMcPhysto · Oct 12, 1998

While discharging a woman diagnosed with back strain, she asked how can I wake up with a back strain. I told her it was probably something she did before she went to sleep. Her boyfriend pulled me to the side and asked if sex could cause back strain. I said it might agravate it but probably wouldn't cause it. He said "I keep telling her to put her legs down, but she just won't do it."

connie bell · Oct 14, 1998

I work in a pediatric/nicu unit. One of our infants was premature and had not adequately developed the sucking reflex. The parents went home for the evening and the mom was going to pump her breasts. Once home the dad called back frantic. States that his wife had begun to pump when they noticed something red in the bottle. Explained that if her nipples were cracked that it might be a small amount of blood and not to worry. The next dad when the two had arrived, the mom pulled the nurse aside. Said she just had to ask, although she did not believe what her husband had told her. States that after they had gotten off the phone with us last night that her husband had remembered that for supper they had had several strawberries and he had wondered if that was what was in her milk. We wanted to reply yes, but from now on you should stick to blueberries since most infants prefer blueberry milkshakes!!

connie bell · Oct 14, 1998

I work in a pediatric/nicu unit. One of our infants was premature and had not adequately developed the sucking reflex. The parents went home for the evening and the mom was going to pump her breasts. Once home the dad called back frantic. States that his wife had begun to pump when they noticed something red in the bottle. Explained that if her nipples were cracked that it might be a small amount of blood and not to worry. The next dad when the two had arrived, the mom pulled the nurse aside. Said she just had to ask, although she did not believe what her husband had told her. States that after they had gotten off the phone with us last night that her husband had remembered that for supper they had had several strawberries and he had wondered if that was what was in her milk. We wanted to reply yes, but from now on you should stick to blueberries since most infants prefer blueberry milkshakes!!

AKUBRA · Oct 20, 1998

As a student midwife a few years ago, it was my job to admit a woman who had been admitted to the delivery suite to be induced that morning.

As part of the admission process, it was neccessary to ask her if she understood why she had been admitted.

"Oh yes, nurse, " she replied earnestly. "I'm here to be seduced by the doctor . . . . ."

sheez · Oct 31, 1998

I had to insert a foley catheter on a gentleman in his 70's. He had an enlarged prostate gland, and I ended up having to change tactics and insert a slightly smaller foley with much manipulation of the necessary parts. I was very relieved when the darn thing finally struck gold and urine pored out. Just as I gained success, the patient said "Well young lady, no matter how hard you yank at that thing, nothing is going to happen....and hasn't in years!

sheez · Oct 31, 1998

Scene: Waiting Room with view to Nurses Station. Several patients are waiting in a small rural hospital ER waiting room.

An indignant 60ish lady says in an impatient voice "Nurse! Nurse!" I stop what I am doing and politely say "Yes?" She whines forcefully "I have been waiting a long time. When will I be seen!" I ask, "How long have you been waiting out there" She relies

"I have been waiting 15 minutes!"

(Spoiled Rural Patient Strikes Again)

hoolahan, ASN, RN · May 27, 2001

Sheesz, LMAO!!!

I admitted an 86 yo woman to home care today. She has a lemon-sized lump on her R breast, and told me that after watching her husband suffer with chemo, she would not do that to herself. Yes, she says, the doctor knows all about it, she's had it for 2 years, started out as the size of a marble.

"Yeah," she says, "I told them, don't bother with the autopsy or nothin'! I'm not gonna take no chemo anyway!"

Obviously she meant she didn't want a biospy, not autopsy! It was hard not cracking up, especially about something so serious!

tillie1 · May 28, 2001

I admitted a pt today that told me the only surgery she ever had was a "tubal litigation" and that one of her home meds is "thenofiofaline"(theophylline)! Gotts love 'em!