Funny Things Patients Say

Nurses Relations

Published

So the other night I was called to assess an unresponsive patient on our locked psych unit. I arrived to find him to look perfectly fine and have perfect vital signs. We checked and he wasn't hypoglycemic (the most common cause of unresponsiveness calls). He didn't react in any way to a hard sternal rub. I was wracking my brain trying to think what could be causing his unresponsiveness.

I should add that this patient is well known to the rapid response team. He knows each of us by name and face and we have dealt with him many times, but this was the first time he had been found unresponsive.

I was standing at his bedside and had just paged the on call physician from my RRT cell phone when a code blue was paged overhead.

On hearing the overhead code announcement my unresponsive patient popped his eyes open and said:

"PMFB, it sounds like you have something more important to do."

I took off for the code thinking "You SOB" and I didn't mean shortness of breath.

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Specializes in MICU - CCRN, IR, Vascular Surgery.

I had a patient who was getting her fentanyl and versed for her bronchoscopy and the last thing she said before the procedure was "I wish I was Beyonce!" and then - out like a light! She was a mid 50s biker type lady, and when I told her about this when she woke up she and her family found it absolutely hysterical :)

Specializes in Critical Care.
I had a patient who was getting her fentanyl and versed for her bronchoscopy and the last thing she said before the procedure was "I wish I was Beyonce!" and then - out like a light! She was a mid 50s biker type lady, and when I told her about this when she woke up she and her family found it absolutely hysterical :)

Don't we all, lennonninja...don't we all.

I had a patient who was not taking her dilaudid well...she was totally hallucinating and saying the funniest things. She was convinced at one point that I was going to kill her adult son who was sleeping on the couch beside her. Then she thought she was in school and kept asking what she needed to be doing. Lol. Later, she randomly looked at me and said: "you mean, that boy is not wrapped in plastic?" Um. Not sure what to say to that one.

RN BSN

Specializes in Hospice.

When I worked LTC, I had one resident with a view of the lake. One day she said to me, "if the lake was whiskey, I wish I was a duck. I'd swim to the bottom and never come up!

Specializes in Emergency/Trauma/LDRP/Ortho ASC.

Last night I'm sitting in the corner of my pt's room...quietly charting when I overhear this:

Patient's friend: "So did you ever decide on a name for the baby?"

Patient: "Well, I'm thinking Zachariah because it's a Bible name, but I don't even know what he did in the Bible."

Patient's friend: "NO! You can't name your baby that! That's the guy who betrayed Jesus!"

I probably have a hole in my cheek I was biting so hard to keep from snorting. :)

One morning just after getting report I was answering call lights and go into this guy's room, he's a frequent flyer so I knew his history well. Non compliant CHF'er, Afib, CAD, on a fluid restriction due to edema so bad his legs were splitting so he is unable to ambulate. I walk in and he's holding the regular menu not the cardiac menu and he looks at me like I'm the devil and says "why the hell am I on a cardiac diet? I don't have anything wrong with my heart! I'm here cause my legs are bad!" That sir, is the reason you are a frequent flyer, living in denial.

I had a pt on commode yesterday that insisted that I bring her boiling, yes- nothing less than boiling hot prune juice. The way that I was to do this is by putting it a cup with a plate over it and nuke it. I informed her that this is not safe and I couldn't do it. Then she proceeded to tell me that if she doesn't get her boiling hot enema she will be miserable forever. I refused, she then said she will stay in the commode until someone else brings one to her. She then proceeded to throw crackers and other items at me. This is the same lady who accused me of stealing duct tape and who brought a machete to the hospital. You just can't make this stuff up!

Specializes in geriatrics,med/surg,vents.
When I worked LTC, I had one resident with a view of the lake. One day she said to me, "if the lake was whiskey, I wish I was a duck. I'd swim to the bottom and never come up!

I'd need a lake full of whiskey too if I had to live in a LTC facility.

I once handed a bedside urinal to a new admit (90 something year old gentleman) and he looks up at me and says, "I don't think that thing's going to be big enough for me."

I am a CNA but I have a few stories.

We have a diabetic resident (sugars average 250) and his buddy the dementia resident. Diabetic resident got jello one night and the dementia resident got a piece of pie his wife bought. Diabetic resident was yelling "This is terrible!!"

Dementia resident looked at him and said "what are you talking about this is AWESOME"

Dementia resident also told me he was "going to make me loose" the other day. His words get mixed up and he wasn't aware what he was saying 😁

Specializes in ICU, MICU.

I had a very delirious pt once who had a rectal tube in. I come in and he's playing with the tube (luckily he hadn't managed to remove it yet). I said "Bob! (Made up name. I don't even remember this guy's name) Don't touch that!! What are you doing?" He says, "I just need a spoon to eat my ice cream." I started laughing, and said, "Bob, that's not ice cream. That's a tube full of your poop!" He responds simply with "Well, ya got me!"

Also, had a patient self-extubate once. I ran in and said "Why did you do that?" She responds with "It just wasn't necessary." I guess that would be the case.... she flew. Guess she was right!

Specializes in Case Management.

Had a pt with encephalopathy. I had a good rapport with him whereas the night shift would often have to restrain him for trying to hit them. One morning I walked in and he has a styrofoam cup in his hand while dangling his spo2 monitor sticker inside. He says, "We need to talk...I'm going to need some things or this whole place is going up."

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