Funny Things Patients Say

Nurses Relations

Published

So the other night I was called to assess an unresponsive patient on our locked psych unit. I arrived to find him to look perfectly fine and have perfect vital signs. We checked and he wasn't hypoglycemic (the most common cause of unresponsiveness calls). He didn't react in any way to a hard sternal rub. I was wracking my brain trying to think what could be causing his unresponsiveness.

I should add that this patient is well known to the rapid response team. He knows each of us by name and face and we have dealt with him many times, but this was the first time he had been found unresponsive.

I was standing at his bedside and had just paged the on call physician from my RRT cell phone when a code blue was paged overhead.

On hearing the overhead code announcement my unresponsive patient popped his eyes open and said:

"PMFB, it sounds like you have something more important to do."

I took off for the code thinking "You SOB" and I didn't mean shortness of breath.

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I had an elderly gentleman whom I found on the floor sitting up against the dresser. This was the second fall in two days and he knew he wasn't supposed to get up on his own. I asked him why he was on the floor and he replied, "I was naughty".

Specializes in LTC, home health, critical care, pulmonary nursing.
One morning just after getting report I was answering call lights and go into this guy's room, he's a frequent flyer so I knew his history well. Non compliant CHF'er, Afib, CAD, on a fluid restriction due to edema so bad his legs were splitting so he is unable to ambulate. I walk in and he's holding the regular menu not the cardiac menu and he looks at me like I'm the devil and says "why the hell am I on a cardiac diet? I don't have anything wrong with my heart! I'm here cause my legs are bad!" That sir, is the reason you are a frequent flyer, living in denial.

Lost count years ago of all the CHF patients who insisted their hearts were fine, it was their legs that were the problem. And no amount of verbal teaching or written materials or sock puppets could convince them otherwise.

Specializes in LTC, home health, critical care, pulmonary nursing.

Haha you must work with me!

I was walking by a patient's room. She was eating and had her fork down on her plate. She was talking to her food, so I stopped to listen. She said "Go ahead, jump on there, it will be okay"...

Specializes in Geriatrics.

Years ago we had a patient (nursing home), who was acting mostly unresponsive, slurring, limp, signs of a stroke. The nurse on finally called the doc and got orders to send to er via ambulance. Called ambulance and went back to check on her and she sits up in bed and says, "haha fooled you!"

Specializes in Private Duty Pediatrics.

I had a patient who told me he'd had a "Myocardial Infraction". Naughty heart!

Another patient told me he was in for an "Ouchiectomy".

I had a dementia patient screaming "I can't see! I can't see." I walked in the room (lights were already on) and saw her clenching her eyes shut so I said to her "Mrs. xxx, open your eyes." She did, so then I asked her if she could see me. Yes, she could see me and when asked what color my top was she answered "blue," which was the color of my scrub top that night. I just had to laugh at that exchange.

Specializes in Forensic Psychiatry.

Oh dear, I have so many.... Where to even start? (FYI I work in forensic psych with an all male population)

Some of my recent favorites...

A patient was at the med window receiving meds and all of a sudden stated, " Look at them *itch *ss deer," in reference to the wildlife that often roams the grounds. I thought he was talking to me as did the tech...

Next was another patient who stated, "Spank me hot nurse spank me. Give it to me." This was side in a very high pitched tone of voice. He then proceeded to drop his pants and flipped on his bed spread eagle and said, "I'm ready baby." All I needed was him to slightly pull down his pants so I could give him his monthly IM injection. He took it one step further. Note that this would be very inappropriate for most PMs but this particular pt is VERY ill and unlikely to improve further.

Next was a patient who was observed staring at my chest as he came for his meds. He was redirected and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "well it's not that I find you in any way attractive it's that I just really like your boobs and want them for myself." If you can't tell he is questioning his sexuality.

I was also recently called a Yankee Communist...

Specializes in Medsurg/ICU, Mental Health, Home Health.
A patient was at the med window receiving meds and all of a sudden stated, " Look at them *itch *ss deer," in reference to the wildlife that often roams the grounds.

Ya gotta watch out for them ***** *** deers.

They'll get ya.

I had a little old lady I'd been looking after on the cardiac ward for a few days. I rocked up for my afternoon shift and she lights up when I come into her room and proudly tells me "My blood pressure was down to 18 this morning!". To this day I sill can't figure out what WAS at 18 to have her as pleased as punch with herself, but it sure made her day.....

I have worked most of my career in Theatre, mostly anaesthetics and recovery. The stuff people come out with once the propofol kicks in is hysterical. Some are my favourites are the guy who said "You know the problem with Tasmanians...." and then boom, out like a light. We never did find out what the problem was and he couldn't remember in recovery, so it will forever remain one of lifes great mysteries. A few of my other pearlers are "Make sure you take the right leg" (she was having a breat augmentation), "Make sure I don't wake up a dog" (middle aged guy), "Don't mess my hair up" (again, middle aged guy), "Tell that surgeon to keep his sticky fingers to himself" (gynae procedure, we weren't quite sure how he was going to do it without....oh well). People also often get the giggles as they go under, which of course gives us all the giggles!

I did a brief stint in psych (as a nurse, not patient). We walked in to find a teenage girl having a full blown grand mal seizure. I ran off to call a MET and the other nurse ran off to get the emergency trolley. We both can back to find the girl calmly sitting on her bed. She says "Just kidding, all I wanted was a bit of attention. I'm off to have a smoke" and sauntered out past the other nurse and I standing there with our jaws dropped.

Another young girl came to the drug window and says she wants some diazepam. When I ask her why she looks at me and says in the most deadpan voice (think Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh) "I'm having a panic attack". Not the Oscar winning performance I was after, so I told her to come back later. Of course, she's back in 5 minutes and this time she is a little riled so I give her 5mg of diaz. Five minutes later I walk out of the nurses station and there she is, on the floor very dramatically slumped against the wall like I'd just given her a full shot of Haliperidol. I said to her "You know sweetie, the dinner trolley is going to be along in a minute and that's where they park. You might want to go do that in your room or you'll get run over". She opens one eye, looks at me, jumps up and screams in my face "Well wouldn't that just make your f****** day!" and storms off.

But my absolute favourite was from a patient in a residential facility who when the DON walked past his open door he got wide eyed and demanded "Who the bloody hell was that!?". I said "that was the director of nursing". He gets this totally horrified look on his his face and splutters "But she's to old and fat to be a nurse!"

Myself and another nurse were helping a very needy long term patient in our acute care hospital. She looked at the other nurse and said,"You are just so pretty." Then looked at me and added, "You're pretty too.... In your own way."

Ouch! That one stung.

My husband was working in an Alzheimer's unit and a patient walked up to him and started jabbering incoherently for several minutes like she was holding a conversation. He was feeling playful so he repeated the same jabbering sounds back to her. She stopped, looked surprised, and said " oh, you know Susan?". Everyone at the nurses station just fell over laughing!

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