Funny things your patients have said

Nursing Students CNA/MA

Published

Okay, I'm sure we've all heard some really funny stuff from our patients/residents/clients during our shifts, so let's share!

I was working overnight in home health and kept hearing the wife (with severe dementia) waking up her husband to ask him strange questions. My favorite was "BOB, when are you going to wake up and drive that girl home?" (meaning me, waiting in the next room; I have a car and license, my clients did not, thank goodness!). He said "Huh?" and she insisted "She can't take the school bus, it's night time!". He answered "She'll drive herself home later, honey" and she indignantly said "Like FUN she will!" then finally rolled over and went to sleep. :D

Another resident with Alzheimer's who is starting to lose his appropriate vocabulary will occasionally swear and then be genuinely baffled and apologetic when people that overhear him are shocked. I usually just try to gently tell him that's not a polite word, and suggest an alternative. But I had to stifle my laughter when, after answering his question about what me and my weekend client did (played cards, etc.) the day before, he asked "Does she like to ****?". :eek::lol2: It was so out of the blue!

Anyone ever cracked you up or shocked you so much you had to run out of the room?

Specializes in PICU.

Pediatric patient told me to "go step on a Lego". 😉

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When I worked in memory care we had a retired RN who would come up to the staff and ask if she could give you report for the night. She'd also push other residents around in wheelchairs.

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Specializes in Med surg.

I was caring for a 98 year old patient (my first) that told me about her inability to resist the urge to touch a young woman's rear in the grocery store. When the woman whirled around to face her, she just said, "I couldn't help it! That's the nicest bum I've ever seen!"

I thought it was hysterical! :roflmao:

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We have a cadre of long term care patients in our hospital and one is a dementia patient I cared for in a local nursing home. One of the RNs came down to the dining room to give her an insulin shot. She swabbed the lady's arm, and the patient t said, "I feel something coming on!"

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"WOW! You're really good at pulling down pants!" is my favorite.

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These first two are from the same lady...she always has some entertaining/odd things to say

"Who cut your hair? You should get your money back, get me some scissors I will chop all of it off"

Her: Why are you looking at me like that?

Me: How am I looking at you?

Her: Like I am dead!!!!

Some random patient quotes I remember...

"When you aren't looking, I am going to steal your pants."

"You are so beautiful, you should be in the movies and not working here. Go to the movie making building and ask for a job right now"

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LOL these are all hilarious!

There's a resident at our ALF that has dementia and doesn't make sense when he talks. His words are all jumbled up, and he speaks dutch at a lot of the times so it is very difficult to understand what he is talking about. The very few times he is able to say a clear complete English sentence, is the funniest thing ever what comes out of his mouth.

This resident is not allowed to walk on his own due to multiples falls. So one day some aids let me know that he had walked himself to the bathroom and had made a mess, BM everywhere. About an hour later, I go check on him and he is sitting in his recliner looking down.

Me: Hey, how are you?

Resident: (looking very sad) Oh not good!

Me: Why?

Resident: Oh, didn't you hear about the explosion I had in the bathroom!

Me: hahahhahahaha!!

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Specializes in Emergency Nursing.

I had a sweet, tiny, little, old, flat-chested, 91 year old lady in the ER one day. As I was hooking her up to the EKG machine, she looks up at me and says; "Sorry, honey. I left my boobs at home in the closet today." I died laughing and she laughed with me. Hard. Lol 😂

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One of our long term care patients is 105, fairly A & O, walks with a walker and 1x assist, and up until 2 months ago, lived on her own in an assisted living apartment. I was helping her to the commode the other day and she said: "Every time I stand up, I go a little in my pants and I don't know why."

At 105, I imagine her bladder isn't functioning like it did at 25.

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Specializes in Psychiatry, Forensics, Addictions.

I had a psych patient who wanted to shower. He approached the shower, then said he couldn't go in because it was a heterosexual shower. It had the symbol for both male/female on the door. This patient was gay, and I told him to go in the shower anyways and make it a gay shower. I walked by a few minutes later and he was belting out, It's Raining Men!!!

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Once I was cleaning an elderly women with dementia in bed after she used the bathroom. While wiping, she asked me "What are you doing in there, searching for the family jewels?" I will never forget that comment!

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My patient was a 93 year old lady who suffered from Alzheimer's. That particular day was wrought with gastro-intestinal issues for me, I let out a horrific burp right in front of this dear lady, apologized profusely. She said in a very lady like tone, "That's okay dear there is more room out here than in there."

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