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Funny things your patients have said


Specializes in geriatrics, dementia, ortho. Has 2 years experience.

Okay, I'm sure we've all heard some really funny stuff from our patients/residents/clients during our shifts, so let's share!

I was working overnight in home health and kept hearing the wife (with severe dementia) waking up her husband to ask him strange questions. My favorite was "BOB, when are you going to wake up and drive that girl home?" (meaning me, waiting in the next room; I have a car and license, my clients did not, thank goodness!). He said "Huh?" and she insisted "She can't take the school bus, it's night time!". He answered "She'll drive herself home later, honey" and she indignantly said "Like FUN she will!" then finally rolled over and went to sleep. :D

Another resident with Alzheimer's who is starting to lose his appropriate vocabulary will occasionally swear and then be genuinely baffled and apologetic when people that overhear him are shocked. I usually just try to gently tell him that's not a polite word, and suggest an alternative. But I had to stifle my laughter when, after answering his question about what me and my weekend client did (played cards, etc.) the day before, he asked "Does she like to ****?". :eek::lol2: It was so out of the blue!

Anyone ever cracked you up or shocked you so much you had to run out of the room?

Edited by dianah
Terms of Service re: profanity


Specializes in Geriatrics.

Oh, I have sooooo many. But here is one I'll never forget:

We had a resident w/ severe dementia who would barely say two words to anyone. He would sing the same song over & over again, but would rarely talk. Well one day he was sitting in the hall, and one of the residents walked by. He looked at her while she was walking by, and said "Now that's a big ass!" lol.

Nicole Anderson

Specializes in LTC, Hospice.

I was asked by a 102 year old LOL where the "shithouse" is.

Also had a resident who apparently wasn't happy with how myself and a co-worker transferred him look at me and say "I want a divorce."

My fave was the lady who was unhappy about getting a shower so the aide said "well, do you want to be dirty?" And she said "I don't want to be dirty, but I don't want to be clean...."

Considering the circumstances i just had to giggle at this.

One day as i was running around to get the supplies for one of my residents who was coding, his wife stops me as I head back to the room and says " Ohh He's just faking, he's been talking about finding some way out of this hell hole. Just slap hard a few times and he will wake up"

I just didn't know what to say

I've had a few moments as a CNA for way too long (10 years) that are unforgettable... some that changed my view of the world, some that broke my heart, some great advice, and plenty of moments that make me smile all these years later.

My favorite: I was assisting a woman with alzheimers with eating her breakfast, when her husband came through the door. Her husband was there all day from the time we started breakfast until he had helped her change into her pajamas and was sound asleep each night before he would go home, until the day she passed away (one of the moments that changed the way I look at the world... I will never marry a man that I didn't KNOW would do this for me.) Anyway: He come strolling through the door smiling as usual. She looks at him, looks at me, and says "who's that good looking guy over there?" I said "that's you're husband!" She says " No kidding? Damn I got lucky, he's handsome!" Awww. :*) That's love!

fuzzywuzzy, CNA

Specializes in LTC. Has 3 years experience.


I've heard some doozies. The vaguest one I can think of is a 98y/o woman asking hopefully if I would lick her *****.

Uh, no thanks. It was shocking hearing an old lady use that particular name!

Edited by dianah
Terms of Service re: profanity

"Hey, kid, come over here and look at my ****, will ya? I think something's wrong."

"Normally I'd tell people to stop that right this instant [peri care], but dang, that actually feels pretty good to me! Keep going!" (more gross than funny)

102 y/o f introduced herself by telling me her parents were dead, her favorite ice cream flavor, and the fact that her poop sticks to her bottom.

Lady with UTI resulting in delirium: "Let's blow this joint and go smoke cigars in Cuba. I'm buying!!"

Edited by dianah
Terms of Service re: profanity

It was not so funny at the time, because she was beating the crap out of me, but we have a REALLY combative woman in my LTC facility with dementia. I work the overnight shift. I was changing her and she is REFUSING to turn. I have to force turn her and she gets ABSOLUTELY ENRAGED and starts asking "WHERES YOUR FAMILY?!?!?! WHERES YOUR FAMILY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

what the hell does that have to do with anything?! LOL


Has 1 years experience.

I work in an assisted living facility and one of my favorite residents is always picking on me! Whenever he sees me he would always say...."Now there's my little s**t!!"

I was talking to a schizoprenic resident, "Hi ___, how are you this morning?, Did you get your hair done yesterday?, It looks very nice on you"....she says thanks and mumbles, "I don't like her, she needs to shut up, she's not my friend, don't talk to her, don't talk to her....of course she was unaware that i could hear her so I asked, "Did you say something?" and she replies "No" and smiles at me....when i turned around there she was again....mumbling, "don't talk to her, don't talk to her" lol

Edited by babybear0427

dianah, ADN

Specializes in Cath Lab/Radiology. Has 46 years experience.

a few of the posts have been edited.

just a reminder of the terms of service re: posting guidelines:

"remember what you agreed to upon sign up: you will not use this forum to post . . ., any material which is knowingly . . . vulgar, . . . obscene, profane, sexually oriented, . . ."


"foul language

nothing should ever be posted here that you would not say in front of a crowd of professionals. a profanity filter will automatically edit your language and allnurses staff have the right to edit offensive language as well."

thank you.

btw, in the middle of asking-my-patient-a-million-questions, i asked "are you a diabetic?"

he looked up at me and in all seriousness replied, "no ma'am, i'm a christian."

:D :d :D

i was job shadowing yesterday and this lady with alzheimer's goes, "hi! I didn't recognize you with clothes on!!" I've never met her before..hahaha

Nicole Anderson

Specializes in LTC, Hospice.

I also have one resident who is constantly accusing me of being in love with, and sleeping with, her (deceased) husband. The funniest part is that after she says that she adds "that's Ok, I don't mind, I don't love him anyway."

Also, just the other day, this same resident looked me straight in the face and said, "You've been drinking again, haven't you."

LOL, so I answered her, "yep, water, juice, tea, soda...."