From the mouths of non-nurses

Nurses Humor

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My wife, a piano teacher, and I were talking about music and she was using some pretty "technical" terms that I, not a music professional, didn't understand.

She said, "Now you know what it's like for me. You come home and start talking about your pasta and broccoli."

I didn't understand.

"Your pasta and broccoli. You know -- you talking about them all the time!"

I still had no clue.

She sighed. "When you're talking about your heart patients and how they had pasta or broccoli."

Then it dawned on me. I laughed. :chuckle

She meant when I talked about PTCA ("pizza") and CABG ("cabbage"). :roll

Depending on the education level:

PhD - Are you having an impediment with elimination, fecal or urinary?

Master's - Do you have any hindrance to your urination?

Bachelor's - Do you have any problems with going to the bathroom?

High school - Do ya have any problems p****ing?

Grade school - Do ya have any problems peeing?

Pre-school on down - Wee-wee?

Now please take this in the best way possible. I am in no way making fun of a steriotype or anybody's education level or lack thereof, just in the light hearted spirit of the humor forum.

what do you ask them if they're from arkansas?

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SLIGHTLY MORBID,

I was patroling south of bahgdad when we called to a NG MP squad that had a casualty from an RPG (Rocket Propelled Grenade.) When we arrive the SSG (Staff Seargent) was missing most of his left leg and his left arm was in shreads. We hit him with the morphine and turniquets then got to driving while a medic tried to save his limbs without killing him. We get a Medevac (helicopter) to meet us up the road. As we're loading him the flight doc, a very attractive female we had run into many times, was helping load him into the bird. The PT grabs her by the back of the head and gently pulls her close. She complies figuring hes got a last request or something. Then we hear him say, "I got this problem, It burns when I pee!" We all about died laughing at the clear vioence and self control it took him to try and make us smile in his condition.:uhoh3:

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Specializes in midwifery, ophthalmics, general practice.

some years ago when working at Moorfields Eye Hospital, I was taking a medical history from a little old lady.. she told me that she was aneuronic! this puzzled me so I asked her what she meant by this. She told me her GP had told that she was aneuronic because she used to have a neuron and a synapse but they had stopped working so she was now aneuronic!! and yes, I had to try very very hard not to laugh..

she was lovely but her doc had obviously run out of patience with her!!

Karen

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Specializes in ICU, Med/Surg, Ortho.
what do you ask them if they're from arkansas?

Hey! I resemble that remark!

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Specializes in Pediatrics/postpartum.

On New Year's Eve, we went to a party and took our 7-month old son with us. There was a couple there that have a 1 month old son, they left him at home w/grandparents. This girl proceeded to tell me that she had in fact delivered on the floor I work on, but during the week, and I work weekends. I told her I could have been her nurse...she said "Is that the girl that helped me change my panties, or the girl that stuck the needle in my arm?" So..I gathered she wasn't "medically inclined". Then she tells me that her son "has the thrash". She said it several times...I tried not to giggle at her:lol2:

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not medical: a few days after christmas i stopped to get gas and tried to use my debit card. the machine said " see cashier". i walked to the window and the girl told me," you have insignificant funds.":lol2:

i laughed as i walked away. i wanted to tell her my funds were significant to me but i did not.

( hubby went shopping christmas eve and didn't tell me= no money in the account)

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My daughter had surgery when she was 3(she's 4 now) to remove a lymph node that had been swollen for about a year and a half. The day the doctor called and told me the results, i called my husband and told him that it was a benign lymph node. A couple of hours later I got a phone call from grandma who was extremely concerned wanting to know what the doctor meant by a number nine lymph node. I got tickled and called hubby back and he laughed to and said he told the people at his work as well as his family my baby girl had a number nine lymph node.

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Specializes in FNP, Peds, Epilepsy, Mgt., Occ. Ed.

We have a young lady who works part-time in our front office (clinic) doing filing and such. Very sweet, but sometimes her Happy Meal is missing a fry or two.

Yesterday we had a patient whose diagnosis was "epigastric pain." The receptionist was entering the visit into the computer. "Epigastric, epigastric. Somebody help me find epigastric!" The young lady jumped up and was looking through the patient charts. She was trying to find "Eppie Gastric!" :lol2:

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Specializes in Corrections, neurology, dialysis.

Not really a medical issue, but I heard someone refer to herself as an "escape goat" the other day.

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Specializes in ED.

One of my friends told me about the "heff-lock" she had...I asked her to repeat the story becuase I though "heff-lock" was so cute! ;)

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My sister sent me the following questions and the answers that children have put on science exams that are health related.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his Adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.G., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and

the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax Contains

the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five Bowels

A,E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? " (You'll love this one...)

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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Specializes in ICU/SDU.

When my father in law was in the hospital--mother in law kept calling his foley the "catherater" and his IS a "sperm-mometer." It took me a couple of days to figure out the sperm-mometer was...considering he was there for a hip replacement!

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