Ok, here's the story. I don't want to put too much detail into this story due to my idenity.
I am a new grad and accepted a position in an ICU. I have had several preceptors and I just don't think nursing is for me. I've come home every single morning in tears, worrying about what I didnt get done, wondering how I performed as a nurse the night before. I cry before I have to go to work and last week, I actually vomited before I went into the hospital.
I am always stressed out and all I do on my days off is sleep. I snap on my family and I don't want to be bothered. One preceptor told me she didnt think I am a good fit for the ICU and I should consider another field of nursing. I was crushed! I can feel really good about something I've caught (like a change in an assessment or abnormal lab values) and then I'm told something like I need to relax and not "jump" and call the doctor at every "little" thing. This has really caused a blow to my self confidence as a nurse and I really question my ability as a nurse and if nursing is really for me.
Last week, I was told by a coworker that I don't "socialize" enough and that I'm "antisocial". I don't want to sit around and gossip about people. I try to read protocols or study my drips, or try to get my paperwork done for the dayshift so I dont have a "list" of things that I forgot to do when I come in the next day.
I hate it. I hate the culture of nursing. I really don't think I want to be a nurse anymore. I have been desperately searching for another job, any job so I can leave. I fear for my license and I fear for my patients. I fear I may not "catch" something and it may cause my pt to die. I struggle with my nursing judgment. I fear I may make a mistake and kill someone. I want out. I can't take this anymore. I'm having nursing dreams and I've lost 5 lbs from not eating because I have no appetite. I'm still in orientation and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing they will fire me after I get off. I want out before they do. I can't take this anymore.