I want OUT!!!!

[shoegalRN]

Ok, here's the story. I don't want to put too much detail into this story due to my idenity.

I am a new grad and accepted a position in an ICU. I have had several preceptors and I just don't think nursing is for me. I've come home every single morning in tears, worrying about what I didnt get done, wondering how I performed as a nurse the night before. I cry before I have to go to work and last week, I actually vomited before I went into the hospital.

I am always stressed out and all I do on my days off is sleep. I snap on my family and I don't want to be bothered. One preceptor told me she didnt think I am a good fit for the ICU and I should consider another field of nursing. I was crushed! I can feel really good about something I've caught (like a change in an assessment or abnormal lab values) and then I'm told something like I need to relax and not "jump" and call the doctor at every "little" thing. This has really caused a blow to my self confidence as a nurse and I really question my ability as a nurse and if nursing is really for me.

Last week, I was told by a coworker that I don't "socialize" enough and that I'm "antisocial". I don't want to sit around and gossip about people. I try to read protocols or study my drips, or try to get my paperwork done for the dayshift so I dont have a "list" of things that I forgot to do when I come in the next day.

I hate it. I hate the culture of nursing. I really don't think I want to be a nurse anymore. I have been desperately searching for another job, any job so I can leave. I fear for my license and I fear for my patients. I fear I may not "catch" something and it may cause my pt to die. I struggle with my nursing judgment. I fear I may make a mistake and kill someone. I want out. I can't take this anymore. I'm having nursing dreams and I've lost 5 lbs from not eating because I have no appetite. I'm still in orientation and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing they will fire me after I get off. I want out before they do. I can't take this anymore.

[shoegalRN, RN]

Is there the possiblity that you can request to be placed with the specific preceptor that you felt comfortable with? Work that person's scedule? It may be an option if your employer is willing to be somewhat flexible in this regard. I find when new nurses are being jumped around from one preceptor to the other information tends to not be consistent nor is the teaching skills. Some preceptors are good at it, some I wouldnt allow to teach my dog lol. Sit down, talk with your unit manager. If he/she is someone you feel comfortable with and let her know how you feel. Maybe they can provide some direction to improve the situation. Not everyone is cut out for Critical Care. I went directly into critical care as a new grad and loved it. I have seen others that it just wasnt for them. It's not they cant do it, its an area you either love it or hate it. Dont wait till your burnt out or drive yourself nuts over it. Approach it head on and with your head held high. Self confidence can make or break you.

As for being "antisocial". Stick to your guns here. Smile now and then, keep conversations as a previous poster mentioned short, too the point. I hate unit "cliques" and basically thats what it comes down to. I dont discuss my boyfriend, I dont discuss what I did on Sat night, my coworkers dont need to know my personal life. I get curious questions from coworkers all the time because I dont divulge too much information, it drives them nuts lol. All they know is I'm not married, have 2 grown children. They dont know I'm an avid biker, have tattoos, peircing, and involved in extensive fund raising as a child advocate for the foster care system. Most see me as conservative and shy. Boy would they be in for a shock LOL. I am not at my job to be someones best freind, I am there to perform a job and concentrate on my responsiblities. I like it this way as there is no room for gossip, stereotyping, etc.

That's just it. I DO like critical pts. I love titrating drips, I like vented pts. I like studying and putting the pieces together. I just don't think I'm in a supportive envrionment where I can learn and grow as a nurse. This has turned me off from all nursing. I know what to do in an emergency. But when you hear so much "nitpicking" then it tends to play on your self confidence. I've made little mistakes that didnt cause pt harm. I try to look at it as long as my pt is alive when I give report I've done my job. But then that goes down the drain when I'm giving report and the preceptor interupt with something I may have "forgot" (ex: pt was found repeating dad over and over), things like that.

[hollybear1414]

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. You sound to me like an excellent new nurse who has potential for great things. Perhaps the ICU just isn't for you. I imagine it would be insanely intimidating for a new grad to start out in such a critical area. Maybe try Med/Surg or another area of the hospital? And if you hate dealing with co-worker drama/gossip I would recommend trying home health.

[SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN]

Pt was repeating something? Heck, we made up a song the other day about the things our residents say over and over again!

Just hang in. You are smart and competent. Tough it out. You can.

[shoegalRN, RN]

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. You sound to me like an excellent new nurse who has potential for great things. Perhaps the ICU just isn't for you. I imagine it would be insanely intimidating for a new grad to start out in such a critical area. Maybe try Med/Surg or another area of the hospital? And if you hate dealing with co-worker drama/gossip I would recommend trying home health.

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I don't know. I really like critical pts. But I also liked the ER when I was there too. I've made a list of things I like and don't like when it comes to nursing. I don't like home health because I don't like being out of control and out of my environment. I have a "thing" about going to other folks homes and using the bathroom.

I like doing skillful things like starting IV's, foleys, OG tubes, rectal tubes, blood draws, titatring drips, things of that nature. I like a fast paced environment, I like different pts, and I like trauma. I like codes. I like complexed pts and putting the pieces together. I also like my vented pts as well. I don't like trached pts so much.

I didnt care for Med-Surg when I was on the floor. I don't like the "customer service" aspect of med-surg.

I do know that I don't want a desk job. I would love to do occupational nursing later on down the line and possibly work in an ER PRN.

[zuzi]

1. Keep going. You are a good one. Don't let negativitiy around to drag you down. Ask for another perceptor. Socialize ONY with people that you like, you can't have all on your social neetwork, but be polite with all.

You need a stable balanced very professional one to be your perceptor... and you know better than educat. depart who can be and could be fitted with you. Ask for her.

This strong relation perceptor new graduate will make you to build self confidence in time. Ask her if you have doubts about somenthing.

You need AN AWESOME PERCEPTOR, ONLY ONE from beeginning!

I am sure that you will be a great ICU nurse and a future awesome perceptor! Hugs!

[cargalrn]

Keep up the good work. The "nursing culture" needs more nurses like you. You can be my nurse any day.

[Hygiene Queen]

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I don't know.

Yes, you are.

You have already been given lots of reassurance that you are doing the right things and that you will be fine.

Stop stop stop beating yourself up.

[shoegalRN, RN]

Yes, you are.

You have already been given lots of reassurance that you are doing the right things and that you will be fine.

Stop stop stop beating yourself up.

Thanks for the reassurance. It is so hard to not let other people's opinion of my nursing abilities get to me.

In my personal life, I don't care what people think of me. But in my professional life, it really bothers me.

[PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN]

I do not understand why medicating our young people is the first thing everyone thinks off.

What is going on with the younger generation?

This stuff isn't new; the only new thing is that she is able to blog and get support.

What she needs is to learn the coping skills that comes with that environment. She needs to learn that life is tough being thrown at you and life is hard at times.

This is a test of character and yes it SUCKS.

Giving up isn't an answer, it is just going to reinforce the low self-esteem it has inevitably caused.

Young lady, TOUGHEN UP and DON'T GIVE UP.

This is part of the learning process of being an adult and YOU CAN DO IT. Don't stop yet.

Here's some thoughts:

No matter what is thrown at you, your ability and intestinal fortitude will be tested.

The choices you make now will forever haunt you and YES NURSING IS HARD. The problem is that you've probably never had anything hard thrown at you in your life (I have to assume) and you have to STICK to it to learn.

Don't give up yet.

Be strong and DEAL. Life is only going to get harder. This is a GREAT opportunity to test your character.

Don't run away.

I tell my daughter and son this all the time.

GOOD LUCK.

AND BTW, I am not someone who is going to baby you--that's the problem with younger generation--too much helicopter parenting and this is what we end up with.

[shoegalRN, RN]

I do not understand why medicating our young people is the first thing everyone thinks off.

What is going on with the younger generation?

This stuff isn't new; the only new thing is that she is able to blog and get support.

What she needs is to learn the coping skills that comes with that environment. She needs to learn that life is tough being thrown at you and life is hard at times.

This is a test of character and yes it SUCKS.

Giving up isn't an answer, it is just going to reinforce the low self-esteem it has inevitably caused.

Young lady, TOUGHEN UP and DON'T GIVE UP.

This is part of the learning process of being an adult and YOU CAN DO IT. Don't stop yet.

Here's some thoughts:

No matter what is thrown at you, your ability and intestinal fortitude will be tested.

The choices you make now will forever haunt you and YES NURSING IS HARD. The problem is that you've probably never had anything hard thrown at you in your life (I have to assume) and you have to STICK to it to learn.

Don't give up yet.

Be strong and DEAL. Life is only going to get harder. This is a GREAT opportunity to test your character.

Don't run away.

I tell my daughter and son this all the time.

GOOD LUCK.

AND BTW, I am not someone who is going to baby you--that's the problem with younger generation--too much helicopter parenting and this is what we end up with.

Here's the thing: I'm NOT a baby or someone in my 20's. I am a 35 year old single mother raising a teenager. I'm not new to "struggles" as I've had them all my life. I'm not new to stress, I've dealt with a great amount of stress in my previous career where I stayed for 14 years prior to becoming a nurse. However, I never cried or vomiting before going to work either.

I've never had to take medication for any type of depression in my life and that includes when I lost my father at the age of 16. However, I started seeing a therapist for the first time in my life during nursing school and I STILL don't take any medication for anxiety.

I feel I do have a tough skin, as I do not get offended easily and I tend to roll with the punches. However, I was not fully prepared for the culture of nursing, and this is something nursing school does NOT teach, while focusing on NCLEX pass rates.

I don't ask for babying from any of my preceptors. I ask for feedback each shift so I can work on it for the next shift. I do take constructive feedback as something that is gonna make me a better nurse in the future. I have also received positive feedback as well, so it's hasnt all been negative. Maybe I focus too much on the constructive feedback, as I want to be the best nurse I can be.

Yes, I feel like I want to give up at times. But I know I can't. I have a mortgage and a child depending on me to succeed.

I came here to vent my frustations as a new grad nurse.

[classicaldreams]

Dear Afrocentric RN,

Wrote a long reply to your message, but I messed up and now it is gone. (Kind of ironic, given this post.)

I was once where you are at, and I admire you for reaching out here. Truth is, after almost five years in the ICU, while my technical skills are much better, I learned that has become the easier part of the job. I must wear many hats in the ICU, and one of the toughest is my "saint" hat--the ability to forgive others (including myself) for mistakes. What is my ability to accept human nature and the actions of others? Not as good as I would like it to be. Can I forgive myself when my assessment missed something, when I do something wrong? Can I accept others' acts of violence, negligence? Can I help those patients who's lifestyle results in a premature death? Can I forgive others whose mistakes cause patient harm? I try. And then, how do I help others accept it? Or do you accept that they can't.

Truth is, I make mistakes and will in the future. I try to be careful, as we all do, and err on the side of caution. I reach out and get help when I can. But the reality is, not everything will have a good outcome, and the ICU, like other areas of nursing, brings that home. Hindsight can destroy your confidence or make you better.

You are wrestling with the enormous goal you have set for yourself--how do you go to work everyday knowing that your actions could result in someone's death and the actions of others could destroy the lives of others? I just try to remember why I choose to do this and that I will build on my strengths and work to improve my weaknesses.

I am an introvert and don't socialize as much as others. That's okay. Others' will come to appreciate you and your skills. I hope you realize that while someone may comment you are not social enough, there is someone else thinking how much they appreciate your dedication. Unfortunately, you may not hear those voices. But know they exist.

I still stress and lose sleep sometimes. Afterall, I am only human, I tell myself.

After you have worked in your unit for a couple of years, you'll come to see everyone's strengths and weaknesses. Even those with authority and experience doubt themselves and make mistakes. It is the nature of this huge responsibility we have chosen.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I hope you can be kinder and gentler on yourself. Know that we all wrestle with the same fears and we develop different coping strategies. Remember your strengths, be proud of all that you have learned and accomplished, and work on your weaknesses.

I hope you will return and let us know how it is going.

Classicaldreams

[wonderbee, BSN, RN]

There's always a chance that nursing isn't for you, and even better odds that critical care might not be for you. You are the best judge of what you need. If you are losing weight, vomiting before work and are making yourself sick, you will not hear it from me that you should hang in there.

Line up something else and if you should have a change of heart, you can continue on. Just don't quit until you've got something else lined up. Your license is good for two years. Nothing is set in stone.