I want OUT!!!!

[shoegalRN]

Ok, here's the story. I don't want to put too much detail into this story due to my idenity.

I am a new grad and accepted a position in an ICU. I have had several preceptors and I just don't think nursing is for me. I've come home every single morning in tears, worrying about what I didnt get done, wondering how I performed as a nurse the night before. I cry before I have to go to work and last week, I actually vomited before I went into the hospital.

I am always stressed out and all I do on my days off is sleep. I snap on my family and I don't want to be bothered. One preceptor told me she didnt think I am a good fit for the ICU and I should consider another field of nursing. I was crushed! I can feel really good about something I've caught (like a change in an assessment or abnormal lab values) and then I'm told something like I need to relax and not "jump" and call the doctor at every "little" thing. This has really caused a blow to my self confidence as a nurse and I really question my ability as a nurse and if nursing is really for me.

Last week, I was told by a coworker that I don't "socialize" enough and that I'm "antisocial". I don't want to sit around and gossip about people. I try to read protocols or study my drips, or try to get my paperwork done for the dayshift so I dont have a "list" of things that I forgot to do when I come in the next day.

I hate it. I hate the culture of nursing. I really don't think I want to be a nurse anymore. I have been desperately searching for another job, any job so I can leave. I fear for my license and I fear for my patients. I fear I may not "catch" something and it may cause my pt to die. I struggle with my nursing judgment. I fear I may make a mistake and kill someone. I want out. I can't take this anymore. I'm having nursing dreams and I've lost 5 lbs from not eating because I have no appetite. I'm still in orientation and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing they will fire me after I get off. I want out before they do. I can't take this anymore.

[firefox828]

I wish you all the best... hope you find a new home.

[bblsw2002]

I understand what you are feeling. I feel the same way. i just got a job, and at times i feel like i do not know what i am doing and i am in constant fear of loosing my job. I constantly worry if i am doing a good job as a nurse, and at times i feel like what am i doing. i am so scared all the time. Just stick in there from one new nurse to another

[drgnys30]

i wanted to jump in here for just a moment...i have only read thru the first page of the post and i am appalled at the fact that you have a new preceptor every shift! and in a ICU for that matter!

i too am a new grad that has been accepted into a Neonatal ICU...Our unit specifically pairs the new grad with one preceptor- for the whole orientation process...ours is a little different from most other units- intensive preceptorship with about 6 months on our own in the stepdown part of the unit, then intensive preceptorship in the main unit with the criticallist patients, then 6-12 months in the main unit.

It sounds like you truly have the passion for nursing...very on top of things- i think it is natural for new grads to feel unconfident in such a place....please hold on...i think you will be great!

[NotReady4PrimeTime, RN]

drgnys30, your orientation experience is NOT the norm these days, even in ICUs. On my unit (PICU) it's not uncommon for the orientee to be assigned at the last minute to whomever has the most appropriate assignment, regardless of how long that "preceptor" has been off orientation herself. On my last shift there were three orientees scheduled, and all three of them were partnered with people who had been off their own orientations less than six months. It's sink or swim, baby! (Not saying it's right, just saying it's happening.)