I want OUT!!!!

[shoegalRN]

Ok, here's the story. I don't want to put too much detail into this story due to my idenity.

I am a new grad and accepted a position in an ICU. I have had several preceptors and I just don't think nursing is for me. I've come home every single morning in tears, worrying about what I didnt get done, wondering how I performed as a nurse the night before. I cry before I have to go to work and last week, I actually vomited before I went into the hospital.

I am always stressed out and all I do on my days off is sleep. I snap on my family and I don't want to be bothered. One preceptor told me she didnt think I am a good fit for the ICU and I should consider another field of nursing. I was crushed! I can feel really good about something I've caught (like a change in an assessment or abnormal lab values) and then I'm told something like I need to relax and not "jump" and call the doctor at every "little" thing. This has really caused a blow to my self confidence as a nurse and I really question my ability as a nurse and if nursing is really for me.

Last week, I was told by a coworker that I don't "socialize" enough and that I'm "antisocial". I don't want to sit around and gossip about people. I try to read protocols or study my drips, or try to get my paperwork done for the dayshift so I dont have a "list" of things that I forgot to do when I come in the next day.

I hate it. I hate the culture of nursing. I really don't think I want to be a nurse anymore. I have been desperately searching for another job, any job so I can leave. I fear for my license and I fear for my patients. I fear I may not "catch" something and it may cause my pt to die. I struggle with my nursing judgment. I fear I may make a mistake and kill someone. I want out. I can't take this anymore. I'm having nursing dreams and I've lost 5 lbs from not eating because I have no appetite. I'm still in orientation and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing they will fire me after I get off. I want out before they do. I can't take this anymore.

[shoegalRN, RN]

This is a old post wondering how your doing?

There are many things you can do in the field, it sounds like you were in the wrong job.Did you QUIT, and find another specialty. That is the beauty of Nursing you can work in lots of different positions and it sounds like the group your with has a click.

This thread was just started today.

Maybe you have me mixed up with another poster. But no, I am still employed and in the ICU, as I was when I started this thread.

I agree, there is a click that I don't want to be a part of.

[classicaldreams]

yes, true and nursing schools use to be really good.

This would've never happened years ago. There were no Versants. No Residency programs.

Nope the nurses coming out (especially the diploma grads) had minimal transition issues.

I think there are so many dynamics to hospital nursing, that saying it wouldn't have happened years ago easy to say. Nursing school is academic, yes, and too generalized. I would have much preferred to "specialize" in critical care nursing, rather than spend six weeks moving from subject to subject. But then, that was the trend in education when I was educated.

It is all about the money, now and everything is to be learned AFTER working. What a shock. There is no ONE year. Now it is many, many years.

Learning to cope in a stressful environment is nothing new. If you are not well equipped and people just say it's going to get better--that doesn't do a thing. The question is HOW????

Your need to "fight" or "flight" kick in and your brain senses the stress. So much so that it impacts her vomiting center in her brain.

Now that is bad. So what is the solution? Medicate? Up to her.

How about tempering her response... centering? Finding a zen place? That's the same thing as basically toughening up.

She mentioned that she is a single parent raising a teenager. I assume she is no stranger to challenge. Finding a true zen and toughening up is different in my opinion. Isn't zen the attempt to find true inner peace? I've worked with tough nurses, but work with them long enough and you learn they are vulnerable just like everyone else.

It will be up to her to figure out her ultimate goal. I know for a fact, having started nursing as a youngster, I would'n't let anyone, nor anything get in my way. No one gave me a hard time I DIDN'T ALLOW.

I always responded professionally, but I never hesitated to always EXPECT respect and my communication skills were up to par.

I always endeavored to find an assertiveness training class, and take it. I didn't allow self-esteem issues get in the way because that just impeded my progress. So I tuned out ALL NEGATIVE SELF COMMENTS.

Negative comments should be rationalized. Some times they are justified and can help us grow.

This kind of stress is REALITY. You either FIGHT IT. OR fly.

Which one does she want to do? How will it impact her career? How will it impact her life?

It is much, much too early to make this decision based on FEAR.

Yes, FEAR.

My children know this and are risk-takers--FEAR is secondary to them. I would like to extend that life learning lesson to someone who needs it--who has never learned it.

When an opportunity comes your way, it is always a choice to accept the challenge. Weathering the storm of the challenge is the key. Of course, if it becomes unsafe that is a different story.

Not so in this scenario. I've read so many who want to give up so easily. I do not understand it. What is happening to the spirit of LETS DO THIS?

I think from a parental point of view, this works. But she is an adult and she knows her limitations. What is so wrong with saying as adults, I've met a challenge and I don't have the skills and courage to succeed at it?

There are very few people who understand the challenges I am faced with at work. I do come to this board to reach out to others who understand. I am not running a marathon and I'm not in a Nike commercial. When you don't have much to lose, the LETS DO THIS attitude is great. Right or wrong, those orientees with this attitude scare me.

Classicaldreams

[mmmc2]

You are not alone. I graduated last May, and I want out too. I hate being a nurse AND a cna. Because that's basically what I am because of total patient care. I am just realizing that I am not meant to be a bedside nurse. Four years of college and I spend most of my nights cleaning up incontinent patients. If I didn't have student loans to pay back I would be long gone....

[classicaldreams]

I am very lucky to have landed a position in the ICU. I am grateful.

I'm not a whiner, I've been keeping my thoughts bottled up for a while now. If I have to cry at work, it's in the bathroom. I've always had a "poker face" (came from years of actually player poker LOL), so I tend to not show much on the outside, but in the inside, I'm scared to death.

Whenever I get advice or feedback from the preceptor, I just say "ok thanks for telling me that" and I write it down in my folder. I smile when I get my constructive feedback. I also thank them for that as well and write suggestions in my folder.

It's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings. I look at some of the other new grads and they seem so relaxed. So I thought it was only me who was feeling this way.

Kudos for you! You are not alone. Some of us feel this way too. I still cry, some times out of fear and some times out of empathy.

Classicaldreams

[MauraRN]

You need to take a few days off and make some serious decisions. Lots of posters here are encouraging you to hang in and it will get better. My question is what condition will you be in by the time it gets better? What about your child? Is this an important time in her life where she needs her mom to be relatively sane? This kind of stress can kill you in many ways; you may be so stressed driving in to work that you crash your car. You may develop HTN, ulcers, IBD, etc. Although we have all worked so hard to get thru nursing school and find jobs, it is only a job. There are many other areas of nursing that you may excel at. ICU may indeed be the worst possible fit for your life, even tho you may be interested in it. There is no law against changing focus. What about a step-down unit for awhile, gain more skills, recover financially (I am in the same situ) and move back into ICU in a year or two? Do some thinking, involve your child in your decision making. Hope you find some peace and a solution.

[LeLeeFNP]

all GNs who start out in the ICU feel this way. hang in there. you worked to hard to get through nursing school. dont be a quitter. there will come a time where you are no longer new and you will be more confident. Then you can focus on making sure you are a good nurse to other newbies that come after you. good luck!

[PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN]

You need to take a few days off and make some serious decisions. Lots of posters here are encouraging you to hang in and it will get better. My question is what condition will you be in by the time it gets better? What about your child? Is this an important time in her life where she needs her mom to be relatively sane? This kind of stress can kill you in many ways; you may be so stressed driving in to work that you crash your car. You may develop HTN, ulcers, IBD, etc. Although we have all worked so hard to get thru nursing school and find jobs, it is only a job. There are many other areas of nursing that you may excel at. ICU may indeed be the worst possible fit for your life, even tho you may be interested in it. There is no law against changing focus. What about a step-down unit for awhile, gain more skills, recover financially (I am in the same situ) and move back into ICU in a year or two? Do some thinking, involve your child in your decision making. Hope you find some peace and a solution.

This is very common sense.

And I wouldn't encourage anyone wh DESPISED nursing as a whole to stay.

From what I gather, the OP is smart, likes what she does...is just not getting the validation that she thinks she needs.

Particularly from HERSELF.

She is so hard on herself.

I just think giving up when you haven't really been on YOUR OWN to determine it...that's just such an easy way out.

MY 2 cents.

[JulieCVICURN, BSN, RN]

I think it's also important to remember that ICU is not for everyone. I truly believe that each unit attracts a certain personality type. Each unit plays differently to a person's strengths - for Med/Surg maybe it's super organizational skills, for ICU it's grace under pressure and the ability to let things roll off your thick skin, etc. It doesn't make you a bad nurse if ICU isn't the place for you. It may just not fit your personality and the way you'd prefer to work. However, if you feel like it IS a fit for your personality, don't let a few mean people push you out!

[PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN]

i think there are so many dynamics to hospital nursing, that saying it wouldn't have happened years ago easy to say. nursing school is academic, yes, and too generalized. i would have much preferred to "specialize" in critical care nursing, rather than spend six weeks moving from subject to subject. but then, that was the trend in education when i was educated.

when i finished nursing school, i was able to take care of a group of patients on my own with my preceptor just standing by and watching. yes, it may have just been me...but two other students on the same floor who were with me were able to do the same. go figure. i don't know if it was because we had very, very, very strong clinicals during our rotations. i was able to put in ng tubes, foleys, ivs, and give drugs with my instructor. i notice that isn't happening as much anymore.

she mentioned that she is a single parent raising a teenager. i assume she is no stranger to challenge. finding a true zen and toughening up is different in my opinion. isn't zen the attempt to find true inner peace? i've worked with tough nurses, but work with them long enough and you learn they are vulnerable just like everyone else.

very true about the vulnerability of being a strong nurse. everyone is only human, some less than others, but that's another topic. learning to deal with stressors is a fact of life. if you never learned them as a child/teen/young adult--some of us are so socialized in thinking "nice" is the way to go...or having validations by outer stimuli is the way to go. well, it is time to reprogram that inner driver.

negative comments should be rationalized. some times they are justified and can help us grow.

and sometimes they paralyze us. i believe that is true in this situation.

i think from a parental point of view, this works. but she is an adult and she knows her limitations. what is so wrong with saying as adults, i've met a challenge and i don't have the skills and courage to succeed at it?

nothing at all. once and i mean once...she has truly, truly, truly gone through the challenge. i don't know abuot you, but i know for a fact that i will never be able to be an excellent tennis player, but darn if i didn't try, try and try. i will never live with regrets for never trying.

there are very few people who understand the challenges i am faced with at work. i do come to this board to reach out to others who understand. i am not running a marathon and i'm not in a nike commercial. when you don't have much to lose, the lets do this attitude is great. right or wrong, those orientees with this attitude scare me.

i am only going with what the op wrote. your message in this sentence is cryptic...so i won't even try to decipher....as far as orientees scaring you, i wouldn't know. you haven't posted.

i look at everything as a challenge. and if something doesn't work out...the "failure" part is just another door opening....

[chosen50]

i think there are so many dynamics to hospital nursing, that saying it wouldn't have happened years ago easy to say. nursing school is academic, yes, and too generalized. i would have much preferred to "specialize" in critical care nursing, rather than spend six weeks moving from subject to subject. but then, that was the trend in education when i was educated.

when i finished nursing school, i was able to take care of a group of patients on my own with my preceptor just standing by and watching. yes, it may have just been me...but two other students on the same floor who were with me were able to do the same. go figure. i don't know if it was because we had very, very, very strong clinicals during our rotations. i was able to put in ng tubes, foleys, ivs, and give drugs with my instructor. i notice that isn't happening as much anymore.

she mentioned that she is a single parent raising a teenager. i assume she is no stranger to challenge. finding a true zen and toughening up is different in my opinion. isn't zen the attempt to find true inner peace? i've worked with tough nurses, but work with them long enough and you learn they are vulnerable just like everyone else.

very true about the vulnerability of being a strong nurse. everyone is only human, some less than others, but that's another topic. learning to deal with stressors is a fact of life. if you never learned them as a child/teen/young adult--some of us are so socialized in thinking "nice" is the way to go...or having validations by outer stimuli is the way to go. well, it is time to reprogram that inner driver.

negative comments should be rationalized. some times they are justified and can help us grow.

and sometimes they paralyze us. i believe that is true in this situation.

i think from a parental point of view, this works. but she is an adult and she knows her limitations. what is so wrong with saying as adults, i've met a challenge and i don't have the skills and courage to succeed at it?

nothing at all. once and i mean once...she has truly, truly, truly gone through the challenge. i don't know abuot you, but i know for a fact that i will never be able to be an excellent tennis player, but darn if i didn't try, try and try. i will never live with regrets for never trying.

there are very few people who understand the challenges i am faced with at work. i do come to this board to reach out to others who understand. i am not running a marathon and i'm not in a nike commercial. when you don't have much to lose, the lets do this attitude is great. right or wrong, those orientees with this attitude scare me.

i am only going with what the op wrote. your message in this sentence is cryptic...so i won't even try to decipher....as far as orientees scaring you, i wouldn't know. you haven't posted.

i look at everything as a challenge. and if something doesn't work out...the "failure" part is just another door opening....

well i get what classicaldreams is saying and she is definitely being rationale. you cannot compare nursing to playing tennis. the comment about one's "inner driver" and so on..are not very helpful either. but i'm sure your intentions are good.

i appreciate all who share their most honest thoughts as well as their insecurities or fears. it's is crucial for all nurses to have a positive self-concept and be aware of their strengths and weaknesses. no matter what stage in life one is in-nursing, in itself- is a challenge. even the more experienced will tell ya the same thing. based on the readings-op has had some challenges indeed- who can say she has not???

thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences op. the wonderful thing about nursing is that there are a plethora of opportunities and as you learn about yourself in this career-i believe you will find your niche'. with reinforcement-you can only get better and better. i'm grateful for the many different areas in nursing-don't rule them out yet! i'm not implying you should quit icu-but be aware of your options.

[PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN]

Well I get what classicaldreams is saying and she is definitely being rationale. You cannot compare nursing to playing tennis. The comment about one's "inner driver" and so on..are not very helpful either. But I'm sure your intentions are good.

I appreciate all who share their most honest thoughts as well as their insecurities or fears. It's is crucial for all nurses to have a positive self-concept and be aware of their strengths and weaknesses. No matter what stage in life one is in-Nursing, in itself- is a CHALLENGE. Even the more experienced will tell ya the same thing. Based on the readings-OP has had some challenges indeed- Who can say she has not???

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences OP. The wonderful thing about Nursing is that there are a plethora of opportunities and as you learn about yourself in this career-I believe you will find your niche'. With reinforcement-you can only get better and better. I'm grateful for the many different areas in nursing-don't rule them out yet! I'm not implying you should quit ICU-but be aware of your options.

In my length of time in nursing, I found this particular profession seems to be a magnet for a lot of people with self-esteem, self-worth...etc., issues. Look around, and you can pick them out. The ones who are afraid to call the doctors, the ones who are afraid to do anything from fear of failure, from fear of not being liked, from FEAR in general. AND not necessarily new...just broken.

If you don't deal with THOSE types of issues first... your insecurities are just enhanced with the nursing environment. When I say change the "inner driver."It means to change whatever it is that pulls you down. Change that inner voice from one of fear to belief in self. Change the language....change the thought pattern, the mindset.

Go for the hardest thing, and overcome it.

[shoegalRN, RN]

I want to thank all who responded. I have decided I'm not going out without a fight. I will fight to the bloody end if I have to.

In my personal life, I was always the kind who never gave a rat's azz about what people thought of me. I would hold my head up high and keep it moving. Even in my previous career, I was this way. I knew my job and I was very confident. I'm trying to find my way back to this way of thinking in nursing.

I've always been the type who let things roll of my back. I never really let things get me down to the point where I'm not eating. Of course, there were events that happened in my life that triggered situational depression. But I fought through those situations and came out on the other side. I know I can do it with this too.

I just hate the fact that someone else can dictate if you are a good nurse or not, or someone's else opinion of your nursing abilities can make or break you. It's like having my livelyhood in someone else's hands, instead of being in control of my own livelyhood.

I have decided I will see how I feel once I'm on my own. Maybe I just need to get out of orientation. I know I have my coworkers to ask questions to and for help if I need it.

I'm a strong believer in God and faith and I believe God put me in this position for a reason. What that is, I don't know yet, only time will tell.

Thank you all for your encourgement and support!