Feeling lost and hopeless

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Ok, so I do not know if I selected the right category, none of the categories seemed to fit. So here is some background information on me. I am a relatively young nurse, 25, have 2 years of experience mostly in the hospital, and I also live in Colorado.

So recently I did something incredibly stupid, maybe I did it because I had to grow up fast and be an adult from the age 16, possibly acting out, or most likely just plain stupid. So My husband and I were moving and I was trying to get a new job in a new city approximately 1.5 hours away from my current job. It took me 3 months and I finally had an offer, so I put my two weeks notice in- more like a month because I wanted to do right by my manager who gave me my first real break in my nursing career. Everything was set to go, but I had recently experimented with medicinal marijuana. I thought it would be out of my system, I did what many people I know and took a cleanse as well. Anyhow I still failed the pre-employment drug test. It was reported to the state board of nursing. I lost the job, my financial situation is quickly deteriorating. The board took 3 months to even contact me, and I will either end up with a letter of admonition or have to participate in the peer assistance program for a year to keep my license free of any kind of discipline. I was hoping to keep it clean so knowing the requirements of the program I have been trying to find a job that would match. Well it has now almost been 6 months I can't find a job and the nursing board has still not made a decision.

Basically I am terrified and extremely upset with myself for getting myself into this situation. I did not think of the consequences to my career. I never smoked on a day I worked or went to work high. If I did it was on my weekend and it was short lived. Once I decided it was not worth it and I decided to never touch it again took the cleanse and I still failed. I can't seem to get a job, the nursing board is taking forever and I am ruining myself financially. I regret my choices everyday and I want nothing more than to work as a nurse again. Any advice or help is appreciated, or if you had a similar experience and made it through the other end; I would love to hear your story. Please do not reprimand me, I have done that enough, and I am trying to fix my mistake.

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Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma.

Welcome to AN! The largest online nursing community!

I moved this to the recovery forum for there are many nurses here who will be able to help you.

((HUGS)) With the legalization of pot there are still a TON of grey areas and it IS still illegal at the federal level although they are not prosecuting. There is still controversy on the physician community and nursing community about medical marijuana as well. The licensing boards say it is a BIG no no.

I would NOT go in front of the board without an attorney. They are NOT your friend. If you have it has license coverage as well....call them.

Was this new company in Colorado as well?

ps if that is your real name....change it for your own protection and privacy.

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They have not asked my to come to them, I just had to write a response letter explaining myself, and I have not heard back. I did consult with a lawyer and she told me to do the peer assistance program. In the program I have to have random drug screens, therapy and my employer has to know and fill out a form quarterly about me, about how I am doing. Oh and I am not allowed to work night shift. I will do the program if I need to, cause I want to fix what I did and move on. Lesson definitely learned the hard way. The problem is that I cannot get a job. I have had 15 interviews and eventually I am going to ruin my credit, lose my car or who knows what. Also, I was not smart and did not get . I was told conflicting information and the pro's and cons and I just did not get around to it.

Did you mean the hospital that drug tested me for pre-employment is new or the peer assistance program? From what I was told the peer assistance program has been around for awhile at least in Colorado- It is supposed to help nurses who have drug addiction, alcohol DUI's and so forth. Although I do not have an addiction, nor did I ever- just misplaced acting out/rebellion. I feel like the restrictions is what residents go through for DUI's and I hate how I feel like I am being treated as a drug addict/criminal for 1 thing I did wrong. I understand that it can be a liability but my actual nursing record at the hospital is stellar, no marks against me, and I had high remarks from patient, staff and management.

Part of me feels like I should try and find a new career, but I do not have any other skills unfortunately.

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Hey there, You made a mistake, got caught, Now you'll have a Devil of a time to make things right. First off, forgive yourself. You smoked pot, got caught dirty on a UA. That does not make you a bad person or bad RN. Second, well it takes the time it takes. BON in general view is that they're there to protect the people against RN's who abuse drugs or ETOH, they don't care about long explainations , illegal drugs in your urine is what they see, they are not your best buddy. You should have a case manager (or something similar) reviewing your case. Keep calling for updates. You may want to find a job outside nursing to help pay the bills, until ya get things straightened out. I don't mean to be harsh, I've walked the walk. I got a DWI (etoh) while on vacation (Texas), Did TPAPN for 2 years, got my life back Feb/14. Its not easy BUT you can survive this. Lots of us have, Peace

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Specializes in Na.
I feel like the restrictions is what residents go through for DUI's and I hate how I feel like I am being treated as a drug addict/criminal for 1 thing I did wrong. I understand that it can be a liability but my actual nursing record at the hospital is stellar, no marks against me, and I had high remarks from patient, staff and management.

Part of me feels like I should try and find a new career, but I do not have any other skills unfortunately.

A drug addict is not necessarily a criminal. We are just like you and made poor decisions. Your best hope is to eventually have humility as a human being that made a mistake. I have been in TPAPN for a year now for opiate abuse. I did not divert but showed to up to work with Benadryl and Norco in my system and was discovered. It was the worst day of my life. I thought as nurse I would be above that kind of behavior and was disgusted with myself for a long time. But as nurses we are no better than any other human being that makes mistakes. You did forge a prescription and violated the nurse practice act. Own it and move on. Do everything they ask you to do, that is the only way to save your career that I know you worked very hard to get.

I wish you good luck and we are all here to help you along the way.

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Good morning Kat, I hope you got some rest. I won't throw stones, I too live in a glass house. Try and spare yourself of the at leasts im not like this person, at least I didn't do that(s). It won't serve you on this journey. You made a poor choice and now youve got to pay for your play. And you can do it and get through it and learn to be an even more compassionate loving person! You're going through grief right now, it's natural for you to look towards others you perceive as doing things "worse" than yourself. It's self preservation in action. I implore you to express this here in these rooms rather than in walking everyday life. Trust me, you don't want the dose of humble it will give you if you express this to the board. I myself diverted medications, a horrible cycle that I was certain would have killed me if I didn't get caught. Just so you know youre not alone in the self preservation/grief cycle here is a little list of people (I thought) I was better than: IV drug users, those who stole medications when their patients needed them, people who showed up to work drunk, and yes even nurses who were "stupid" enough to smoke pot and get caught over a high and risked their livelihood over something that wasn't (probably) even worth it. In the end I've realized I am better than no one and I kneel before no man. It's going to be okay.

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Thank you for all of the advice. Also thank you for pointing out my error in looking to others who I perceived as doing worse, your right it wont help me. I was just trying to comfort myself. I wont give up. I need to learn how to stop berating myself and I think that is the hardest part. I keep thinking how I regret it and would do anything to change it- but I simply cannot. Its harder to keep trying to move forward. Once again thank you for the advice.

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Specializes in Na.
Thank you for all of the advice. Also thank you for pointing out my error in looking to others who I perceived as doing worse your right it wont help me. I was just trying to comfort myself. I wont give up. I need to learn how to stop berating myself and I think that is the hardest part. I keep thinking how I regret it and would do anything to change it- but I simply cannot. Its harder to keep trying to move forward. Once again thank you for the advice.[/quote']

I agree with the previous poster. It took me a year to forgive myself. It was very hard and I used to wake up everyday nauseated. Bargaining is one of the early steps in this process, unfortunately you can't turn back time as I know you must be wishing. Be kind to yourself and with time your pain will ease. This is a great pace to seek comfort and ask questions. We have all been through issues and are currently going through through issues. This is a very companionate group of nurses. Good luck.

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So I guess my plan from here is to call the nursing board case manager and find out where they are in the process. Find out if I need to start that program for sure (which honestly probably have to), contact the program start, and try to find a nursing job with the program. I was told I have to work as a nurse for half of the length of the program and my duration is a year. I just can't fathom someone hiring me knowing I am in the program but it happens and I will just have to keep trying. And I have some money coming in so I will have to get over the feeling of dread and anxiety and call and try to set up payment plans, and maybe find a cheaper more frugal way to buy food. The whole process just causes so much anxiety, and that is what has been shutting me down. So much anxiety and depression I feel like I can barely function...but if I don't act I will remain in that state and it is much to miserable to last long in that condition. It also does not help that my husband is a veteran suffering from PTSD and is just as depressed or worse. We are a pair. both depressed, but I need to be able to help him so I have to help myself.

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Specializes in LTC, Management, MDS Nurse, Rehab.

I had a similar situation. I had a bad break up and smoked one joint one weekend with a friend. I was not addicted to any substance. Made a mistake at work which lead to a UDS. It came back positive. I was fired and reported to the BON. I was given three options. Go to rehab and join that program, surrender my license for no less then a year, or be investigated. I choose to surrender. After a year where I lost everything I had a reinstatement meeting with the board where I was placed on probation. Quickly started working while being tested randomly and my manager had to fill out paperwork every three months on how I was doing. I finally finished probation 13 months later. My license now has discipline listed for now on.

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Michelle, did you have trouble getting a job with the program? Also I do not know your situation but has that disciplinary record made getting a job that much more difficult?

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Specializes in LTC, Management, MDS Nurse, Rehab.

I was lucky. I knew someone who got me in at the job. I haven't tried to apply anywhere else. I've been at my current job 16 months

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