this was a fear...and it happened

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Specializes in ER.

So I was able to get a temp job working in med. records doing chart audits since my hospital hr wasn't able to place me anywhere else due to staffing issues and me having a narc restriction. so the job is basically me in my little cubicle for 8 hours a day and its the same pay as when i was a nurse in the er but its so boring. anyways, i get nervous every day that i will run into someone either comming into work or leaving and also during my lunch. I will not venture to the caf. during lunch because it's too busy so I usually go to the library and read or stay at my desk and surf the web. I know running into a co-worker wouldn't be be the end of the world and i wouldn't have to dish out the drama--keep it simple right--but i always am nervous about this.

So today I am getting on the elevator to go from the library back to the basement to return to work and an old co-worker gets on too. Now I know he knows everything because he was the charge rn the day I came in and was suspended and I was able to have my friend/co-worker drive me home (since I still had drugs in my system) and so he knew that he was leaving the dept to give me a ride home. plus the charge peeps had to know about me incase i went postal--hehe. so this guy is always nice and fun to work with but it was just weird because he knew and i knew he knew. he just asked me what work i was doing and i told him it was just temp and then i dunno. he told me to come back and the tone of his voice told me that i am missed and i was one of the hard workers in the er (and there were few of us, alot of slow slackers). i told him it was good to see him and then that was it. I was totally ok with seeing him but then hearing that i should come back---wow. tears filled my eyes and i just held it in and went to my desk and took some calming breaths.

just needed to let this out. i was surprised that it hit me like it did.:scrying:

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Specializes in Maternal - Child Health.

It sounds like you both handled your unexpected meeting very well.

Give yourself a pat on the back. You knew this would eventually happen, and you handled it gracefully. It will be easier next time because of this success.

Take care.

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I think you handled it well, and once you get everything back in order, then maybe you can go back to the ER Dept. It must be tough, and there are always consequences to your behavior. I wouldn't fear it too much though. Good luck with everything!

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Specializes in LTC, Psych, Med/Surg.

I am not at all surprised this hit you like it did. It is all about shame, IMO. When my consequences happened, I was so overcome with shame that I didn't return to nursing for five years.

Ever since I finally faced going back, the shame has slowly diminished. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Catmom :paw:

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Specializes in LTC, MDS, Education.

He is trying to say that he supports you. He felt as "strange" as you did. It was definately a positive encounter, so keep up the good work!! :wink2:

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Specializes in trauma, ER, PACU, CCU/ICU, Management.

You handle it with grace and dignity. And you diserve a big hug!:heartbeat

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Most of the world isn't horrible and judgmental. I am going to bet that they still know you're a great nurse.

You'll get over your shame in time. But it takes a long time. I think some of us drink/use because even without a reason we walk around feeling guilty and shamed all of the time, I guess for breathing too much air.

Hang in there, Sassy.

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Specializes in Medical and general practice now LTC.

sounds positive and nice handling from both of you

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Specializes in ER.

Thanks everyone for your kind and encouraging words. I guess the more I am here at the 'scene of the crime' the more I think about if I really want to do nursing here again. Eventhough I would not return to the er dept I would still be here in this same hospital with all the thoughts in my head. Since starting this temp job 2 weeks ago doing chart audits I really think alot about what things will be like when I return to patient care nursing. I am reading charts all day long and I worry that I won't like this floor or that and then I still always think about all my old co-workers and how they are continuing on and getting exposed to new and cool things on a daily basis in the er. I won't have a choice where I am placed after this temp job but I am seriously thinking more and more about going else where. I will probally still have a few months left on my restriction so that may be tough but I really think I need a new, fresh place to be and that way I can choose what area I want to work in. I forget to slow down and easy does it but I sit at this desk all day and start to zone out and my mind wonders and I think about how scared I am to be placed on the floor where I probally wont like it. I would be interested in a new area such as mother/baby or psych but that is not likely. I will cont to pray that things work out and that I get the courage to change this if I so wish to.

Thanks again. I felt better reading your posts!

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Sassy, you are young in both years and recovery. Give it time. You'll heal.

:)

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Specializes in ICU.

After reading your post and the wonderful responses, I can't help but think that it would be much better for you to go and find a job somewhere else. Find a bedside nursing job, with your restrictions.

For me, that was the best thing I did. OF course I had the restrictions, but I was also in recovery and it takes time to get over that initial hump after you come back to work. For the first few weeks I was nervous everytime I opened the pixis, even with the restriction there. I was STILL nervous.

You need to get out there and hit the pavement. Go start over at a new hospital.

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Sassy-

You are young in years AND recovery, so I know the SHAME you have is overwhelming. I think that everyone who goes through recovery has the most difficult time with shame--forgiving yourself.

Remember, ALL have sinned. Everyone has made mistakes. Sure, some don't steal drugs and do them, but maybe that person cheats on the taxes. WE ALL MESS UP!

You are where you are for a reason. You probably need the time to sit in a basement to become stronger, and wiser. I can completely understand the feelings of not wanting to be at the "scene of the crime" so to speak. BUT, not to be mean, read other post on here where people are working at WalMart, or cleaning. Be thankful you have a job. AND a HR dept that didn't kick you to the curb--or worse, call the cops. And if you do want to go into mother/baby, or something new---For gosh sakes, don't leave your job until you have that "dream job"

I am a big believer in being happy. And people will take a chance on you. You CAN get that job that you want, but sometimes, we have to do the time....yours might be the basement job.

Good luck and God bless.

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