Family in Denial

Whispera, MSN, RN · Mar 2, 2009

It's very difficult to accept that someone you love and who was wonderful and gave you life and everything you had as a child could now be violent. It's painful and overwhelming.

Sorry about your black eye and all the stress this is giving you too!

meluhn · Mar 2, 2009

When I worked in LTC we used to deal with patients like that by giving them an IM injection of haldol or ativan, even if we had to take 5 people to hold them down. Once they start attacking staff like that, chemical restraints are necessary and appropriate. Is the family opposed to that? She could probably be controlled on some type of antipsychotic med that doesn't zonk her out. What is going on that she is acting like this?

fuzzywuzzy, CNA · Mar 2, 2009

We had someone admitted with a brain tumor. When she started going downhill her family was in total denial about it. They kept complaining of any reason they could think of for her decline to blame us and not the cancer.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Mar 2, 2009

hi everyone,
just need to vent i guess but how do you deal with a family that just can't get it in their head that momma has changed?i recently had a pt who was brought in after being kicked out of a nsg home because of her violent behavior toward staff. she was extremely violent the other night to the point we had to call security to help.the next day, her daughter saw my black eye and asked if it was her mothers doing, to which i replied yes. she then started crying saying this just wasn't like her mom:banghead: i'm sorry if it sounds like i don't care, i do, very much, but gosh what does it take for a family to finally admit and accept?

it depends upon the parent and upon the family.

as the daughter and daughter-in-law of alzheimer's patients, i can tell you that it's difficult to accept that the parent you love and looked up to has changed so much. and as the daughter of a father who was so agitated and combative over his icu stay that he sent two nurses to the emergency ward, i can tell you that it's incredibly embarrassing to be faced with this evidence of your parent's violence. i wanted to crawl right under his bed.

it's also a possibility that the family isn't in denial. when mamita's caregivers tell us that mamita's violent behavior is "the disease; not your mother" it's easier to say "that just isn't like mamita" than it is to say "she's always been this way." that's the most embarrassing of all!

catlynLPN · Mar 2, 2009

The next day, her daughter saw my black eye and asked if it was her mothers doing, to which I replied yes. She then started crying saying this just wasn't like her mom

The words I hilighted above says it all. This ISN"T like her mom.....the mom she knows.

Obviously she's upset and KNOWS that her mom hit you, evidenced by her asking you if that's what happened. I think she realizes her mom is changing but she's having a hard time dealing with it.

My heart goes out to you for receiving the beatings you're getting, but my heart goes out to the daughter as well. I feel bad for her....she's losing the mom she's known all her life due to whatever illness is causing this.

Very sad situation.

whodunit · Mar 2, 2009

I agree it is awlful; watching family members deal with the change in their parent; my mom called 911 often on us due to her dementia before she died.I have all the sympathy in the world for anyone going thru this but when a pt gets discharged due to violence and it continues happening, its time to say ok this is terrible , now how can we help her to live the rest of her life without staff dreading to care for her.

Batman24 · Mar 2, 2009

I feel for you and I also feel for the family. This isn't the mother she knew and it must be so hard for her to see. The mother she knew wouldn't hit someone and cause them pain. It's a lot to deal with. I would see if there is someone who could come in and help them through their grief.

whodunit · Mar 2, 2009

By the way, thanks for listening/reading. I've been at this a long time and love what I do , but it is a very frustrating job at times.

leslie :-D · Mar 2, 2009

just remember that denial is one of the stages of the grieving process.

except it really doesn't sound like she's in denial.

incredulous, overwhelmed, despair?

more likely.

but keep in mind that families of alzheimer pts, almost always start their grieving long before the pt has (physically) died.

and when they finally do die, it's almost a relief.

the pain this elicits from loved ones, is often too much to bear.

it's a cruel, relentless disease that has many, many victims.

i'm sorry to all of you.:redpinkhe

leslie

Ruby Vee, BSN · Mar 2, 2009

just remember that denial is one of the stages of the grieving process.
except it really doesn't sound like she's in denial.
incredulous, overwhelmed, despair?
more likely.
but keep in mind that families of alzheimer pts, almost always start their grieving long before the pt has (physically) died.
and when they finally do die, it's almost a relief.
the pain this elicits from loved ones, is often too much to bear.
it's a cruel, relentless disease that has many, many victims.
i'm sorry to all of you.:redpinkhe
leslie

that really resonates. we've been grieving for mamita for years, and now i'm starting the grieving process for my mother!

Straydandelion · Mar 3, 2009

It could also simply mean she wanted to convey to you the way her mother USED to be, to let you the caregiver know that her mother was once a loving, kind person. Even though there is no reason, I am sure the daughter feels guilty for your black eye simply because her mother gave it to you. There can also be fear..unfounded but there.. that her loved one won't be well taken care of due to her actions along with frustration...events are completely out of her hands. Her mother having been kicked out of a nursing home...the fear of the unknown, i.e. what will happen to her mother now. With Alzheimer's even though most family members know what to expect, the obvious signs of the downward spiral physically and emotionally are heartbreaking.