Emotionally tired

[KalipsoRed21, BSN, RN]

What do you do when you are at the end of your rope? I'm not sure about the next step from here. I've been a nurse 7 years and I still haven't found the life I was hoping to have. Before I became a nurse I was generally happy, calm, caring, and genuinely interested in people. I became a nurse because I loved people, health was interesting to me, and because I wanted to be a responsible public servant. 7 years later I find that there is a lot of me missing. Like I actively, aggressively avoid talking to people when out in public...very contrasting compared the me that use to talk with people in line or be the social butterfly at a party. I have also become very cynical, so even though I am still a generally happy person, most of my comments are less upbeat and more smart ass in nature. I have also gained 80 lbs....the 80lbs I was able to lose and keep off for 5 years before starting nursing school. I finally got married 4 years ago, but now I'm in my mid 30s looking to have kids and am not sure I can remain a nurse and have the loving patience required to take good care of children because my compassion has slowly been sucked away over the last 7 years.

I've tried tele nursing, ER nursing, travel nursing...in fact every 2 years or less I've tried a different specialty or a different hospital. It is very discouraging to be excited about a change and then around the 6 month mark go back to being just as disappointed as you were before you made the change. I have received awards at EVERY institution I have worked for, as an employee or as a traveler. I have never been fired and was only written up once at one institution for being late 3 times. However, I do not think being a nurse has made my life or me a better person.

Nursing made me have a better appreciation for my life, my family, and a better understanding illness, death, and grief. A view I most certainly would have gotten by no other means, so for these things I am grateful. But as far as my career making ME a better person, it has not. It has made me crass, anxious, cynical, depressed, and numb. Nursing has made me realize how precious family time is while simultaneously taking it away from me through scheduling, lack of sleep, and decreasing my involvement with current culture to the point that conversation about anything other than nursing life is now difficult.

I now only see how we in medicine are being used to make money for others or to keep up with stupid demands place on us by the government. When I go to work I know that my ADIT skills are now as, if not more, important than my ability to correctly care for a patient. That it is more concerning for facilities to have their patient's pain issues addressed despite the 30 previous visits to the ER for the same complaint than it is for us to stand our ground and refuse any pain medications other than non-narcotics.

I'm tired and I don't know what to do. I'm so tired that I'm tired of complaining about how tired I am. I'm tired of always being the one to point out the double standards, the clicks of staff, and the countless mandatory things that are written out to be done in a certain way due to safety that get done in a half ass way due to lack of staff. The one thing travel nursing has taught me is that these issues are constant throughout hospitals, some are MUCH better than others but all these issues stay the same. And thus I feel more like a sheep herder pushing the sheep through the system than an actual caregiver.

Where it use to be an understandable part of the job for me to work every other holiday, every other weekend, on call, and variable shifts, I now find it horribly intrusive on my personal life. Having a 10 or 20 important things thrown in my face to do at once use to be a challenge, a fun adrenaline rush, is now something I fear experiencing again from my first day off until the hours before returning to work. I now also fear changing jobs because that first 6 months will go by to fast and then I fear I will be right back where I am now as I have been with every change I've tried to make. I don't want to keep changing jobs....I want to fit somewhere. I want to fit somewhere and have my job be the third thing on the list to be concerned about. Me, family, my career is how I want my priorities to be. I feel as though things are now my job, my family, me.

[NotReady4PrimeTime, RN]

Wow, you really are suffering. I think there are a lot of people who feel much the same as you do. Some days I'm one of them. I'm at a loss how to answer you, other than to tell you I understand where you're coming from. I suspect you found some release in writing your post, but like those first 6 months in the new job, that release was fleeting. You wouldn't be the first, or the last, nurse to walk away and take up something completely different - and never look back. I think you should continue with soul-searching, to understand what it is that you truly need. Then figure out a way to get it. I wish you the best.

[Lev, MSN, RN, NP]

Time to go out patient. Infusion center, endoscopy, out pt surgery.

[Murse9185]

This can definitely be a profession that will take its toll on a person mentally and physically. I've felt that way at times and you've been a nurse much longer. You just seem like you need a break to kinda figure out where you need to go from here( understand financially this may not be a feasible option for most). Hopefully everything works out for you!

[CrunchRN, ADN, RN]

Aggressively pursue an out of hospital nursing position.

[middleagednurse]

I hear you. I have been a nurse for 44 years and I understand. In my opinion many nursing jobs are comparable to the sweat shops of the 1800's. I can only suggest exercise, good nutrition, a hobby, a vacation, a trip to your MD for assessment, counseling. Hang in there.

[CBlover, BSN, RN]

You know, if someone were to ask me, "What is one thing you would miss about your job if you became a millionaire?" I would say, "Nothing. Nothing at all." With the exception of fun nurses I work with, there's really nothing about my job that I just love. I don't want to come across harshly, but I have to work and I know it, so when the alarm goes off at 5 am I put my feet on the floor and get at it. That's my advise to you. My husband and I both like to dream. "What job can we do that we would LOVE?" For some reason we haven't come up with anything that fits our criteria?! LOL! This is my slogan, "The grass is not greener on the other side." I have nurse friends who hop from one hospital to the next and are never satisfied. Folks, nursing is not all what it's cracked up to be. It's a job. It helps pay the bills. Nursing seems to be becoming less and less about actually caring for the pt. I think that's what's so burning for all of us. But like I said, put on a happy face, swipe that badge at 0645 and make it a good day. Make that choice.

[guest464345]

You know what you need to do, KalipsoRed....at a minimum, get out of the hospital. For me it was like seeing the sun after two years of clouds every day. You might find that you want to stay in the field once you're out of that environment.

Which do you care about more - being a "good (compliant, uncomplaining) worker" who wins awards? Or a good friend, a good family member, a good parent, a good community member? The things you find yourself thinking about your fellow humans these days....is that the person you want to be? When you're 85 and looking back on life, are you going to be glad that you churned through three admissions on one understaffed shift to make more $ for the hospital?

It's hard to find the energy when you're so run down and discouraged, but find it and get yourself to a better place. (I moved to public health, and I love it). I can't tell you the difference it makes to eat, sleep, and interact like a normal person. I can't believe how much bedside nursing messed up my head.

The above commenter points out that work is work, and you don't have to love it. That's true to a point, but if there could be better options for you, why not try to find them? Still might take a few tries to find something that "sticks" but it's worth the effort :) A big hug from someone who understands!

[NurseSpeedy, ADN, LPN, RN]

Wow. You sound miserable. I would say that you are dealing with a classic case of burn out, which, if allowed to escalate, could make you want to run from the field all together. I went through burn out after 8 years of hospital nursing (actually, I lived in my own personal hell for the last two years of it). It's all that I knew at the time, and couldn't imagine another type of nursing. So I tried different agency positions (still hospital) and got the same results that you did...this is great....actually, no, no, it's not so great. I was completely stressed out that I couldn't sleep when I needed to, not even with two 10 mg ambien tablets, but then would feel myself struggling to stay awake driving into work (very scary). I had a hard time forcing food down, only to have it give me heartburn or throw it up a few minutes later, and yeah, I lost so much weight that my hair started falling out. I quit working in acute care after my husband sat me down and told me to take a few months off, figure out what I wanted to do, and do it before the job killed me. I slept for most of the first week. I realized I was burnt out AFTER I quit. I didn't realize the signs until I read it in a nursing journal article shortly after I stopped working.

There are so many different things that you can do with your nursing license that does not involve the hospital. Some of the things don't even involve direct patient care if you wanted to get away from that aspect for a while. Only you can decide what's best for you but I'd advise taking the time away to search what's out there. Maybe you will find the job that you truly love waking up everyday to go and do. You may even eventually miss hospital nursing (sounds crazy with the current situation but you'll be surprised what some time away can offer). If you do decide to leave and come back to hospital nursing, make sure that you don't let yourself slip away and only realize what's going on once you get to the point that you are now. After going through it, it's easier to notice the signs and make the job change to a different type of nursing before it changes who you are.

Best of luck to you. Don't give up. You'll figure out something that will make you happy.

[ambr46]

Private duty nursing doesn't pay as well but it does help with job burn out. Did it as an LVN when I was at the end of my tether with nursing homes and still had energy at the end of the day to exercise, cook, and spend time with the family. I hope something works out for you. I know that feeling and it is awful and hard to overcome.