Drug Seeking (not what you're expecting)

[Melleeboo1]

Hello, I am just someone who is really considering going into mental health nursing. I am posting this here because I know that emergency medicine doctors and nurses see these types of people all the time. I want to help addicts; I know they can be helped if they really want to be.

I am a newly recovering addict, 90 days clean and I am one of those drug seeking patients everyone hates so much, and believe me, you are within your rights to hate people like me. I hated myself for a very long time. I was a loser, I will not now or ever deny that. You have the right to feel loathing towards us.

I remember years ago I would read your forum on drug seeking and get so mad! I had no right! You're faced with people like me every single day, and while I wasn't hard to manage, nor did I scream or threaten, the docs and nurses hated me; I would show up every 2 days with a new complaint. Sometimes I would "score" and sometimes I would get busted, and sometimes I walked away with nothing.

There wasn't anything I wouldn't fake: back pain, abdominal pain, migraines, chronic pain of all sorts, and a couple of them scored big, dilaudid, morphine pumps, I had a couple surgeries, out of sheer desperation for my drug of choice (Percocet and Norco). I hate myself for that, I was taking up a bed that could have been used by someone else sicker, how dare I?

I beat myself up to this day, I was told in group to allow myself to release that hate, because that is not who I am anymore. I am not a "loser drug seeker" who should be "put out of" my "misery" as I read in a student doctors forum. I am so sorry that I did all of that, I am so sorry I made sicker people wait longer cause I was faking something serious. I hate to think that my stupidity and actions caused even the smallest bit of harm and/or suffering to someone else.

I am extremely dedicated to my sobriety, I will never ever go back to that life again, ever! I may be newly clean and sober but I already know what I want to do and where I want to be in life a few years from now.

I am now on meds that block the withdrawal, and I will be for many years. I am not high anymore, I am thinking straight and clearly. I tear up when I think of my stupid actions. Even tho I did learn to not come to the ERs with fake serious conditions, it makes no difference, the damage is done and my reputation at our local ERs is set in stone.

I have had to go back to the ER because of severe vomiting and dehydration and pain, but was completely honest. I said I was a drug seeker and had a history of such in their ER and several others, and I apologized to the doctors and nurses that I lied too. I was lucky, they were very understanding and I was treated really well.

A doc asked me, before I had apologized how I was able to maintain a constant flow of prescription opioids and I told him that I was what they call a "drug seeker". His answer was, "I don't mind treating ex addicts, even the ex drug seekers, as long as they're honest with us and get the help needed, I could treat them all day long." That made me feel so good, I left feeling better physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I was scared going in, it was the first time since I had decided to get help that I was in the ER. I got the looks and the stares from staff until I told them all the truth, then they stopped. The docs, the nurses, (these were the people who treated me in my DS days) told me how happy they were for me, and that they have no problem treating me, even with narcotics if necessary. Of course I said no narcotics, no way! Even if they had given me a narc, the meds I have in me to reduce and eliminate withdrawal would block both the euphoria I would get, and the pain killing effect and possibly send me into an ugly withdrawal. No way!! I have been dopesick way too many times, I am done with that life. My son even sees the difference in me, I am more active, and happier while not in acute withdrawal and off drugs.

For anyone who doesn't understand withdrawal, and I found out there are a whole lot of people in the medical field, and even the most well trained and seasoned docs don't understand withdrawal and how it forces some to the ER. Believe me I am not excusing someone's seeking behaviors, but withdrawal is some of the worst stuff someone can go thru. I would rather eat a bullet then deal with it again, and there were a few times while I sat endless hours at an ER waiting to seek drugs that I almost grabbed a cop;s gun and shot myself. I would sit there and bawl for hours contemplating whether I should just leave and commit suicide or stay and be a loser. It's horrible how withdrawal messes with your mind.

If you don't mind I would like to list just a few of my worst symptoms so you can see how bad it can get. These are just a few of the many....:

1) insomnia..

2) RLS...

3) all over severe pain...

4) severe depression, suicidal ideation and severe anxiety...

5) cold sweats, and chills at the same time...

6)body shocks... and

7) rapid heart rate, feels like your gonna die..

I have finally learned to overcome, and I am dosed well enough to live normally and happily, and I want, with a passion to be a nurse in a drug rehab setting, I know how docs and nurses feel, the satisfaction of helping someone who is truly in pain, I would love to help someone who is in withdrawal pain to be released from that pain...

Again I am so sorry for my actions, my behavior, and my lies... I know 99% of you don't know me, but I have this feeling that you know of people like me, and there are probably a couple of you, out of the many on this forum that may have seen me if you work in the Chicago suburban hospitals or in the Wichita area hospitals. I appreciate your time, and please don't be too rough on me, if you decide to comment. It's very hard to admit that I was a complete and total loser. Thanks :)

[toomuchbaloney]

Congratulations on kicking your habit!

[Miss Infermiera2b, BSN, RN]

You should be proud of yourself for overcoming such an incredible hurdle. As an ER scribe, I don't feel any hatred towards drug seekers, although I see them every day. Mostly I just feel profound sadness for them. I have seen withdrawal symptoms and I know they are hell. It is pretty annoying when we have patients lying to us which makes charting sometimes difficult, but mostly it's just sad to see people hit rock bottom.

[MyPrnPleaseBSN]

First of all, congratulations on realizing and admitting your problems, you can only move forward from now on... stay sober and positive. Good luck with everything.

[kiszi, RN]

It took a lot of courage for you to beat your addiction and to share your story. Thank you for showing us what the "other side" is like. Best wishes for your continued recovery and happiness.

[Elektra6, ASN, BSN, RN]

Best of luck to you. I think you will be great helping addicts because you know what they are going through.

[That Guy, BSN, RN, EMT-B]

I can give anyone respect that comes in to my ER and says, this is how i was, it was awful and I am doing something to fix it. You have to want to change for change, so awesome job. Nothing but respect for you.

[SwampCat, BSN]

Way to go on being sober! I've had to do plenty of 1:1 observation of people withdrawing and it is not pretty, especially the when the etoh w/d crosses over into DT's. I loved hearing everyone's stories. I loved talking them off a cliff. I loved making them feel like they are humans just like everyone else and are worthy of compassion and support. It's always sad to see a repeater come back, but what if this is the one time it sticks and they stay clean? I could easily work a detox center and I think you would be a great encouragement to many.

Keep up the good work!

[Guest219794]

Hi-

I am curious:

"I am now on meds that block the withdrawal, and I will be for many years. I am not high anymore,"

Seems to me that withdrawal has a limited time frame- what are you taking long term?

I have encountered folks in a similar situation. Most recently, a couple of days ago. The guy really seemed to have his act together, came in with a legit complaint, had taken legit steps prior to coming in, etc....

He still had on his chart his fictional allergies to ibuprofen and tylenol. It was tempting to ask about them to see if he wanted me to remove them so he wouldn't automatically be identified as a drug abuser. I changed my mind, and decided it was in his interest to leave them on. If he does one day come in with a fever, it can be dealt with then.

If he has minor pain, we can do what we usually do with made up allergies and give methocarbamol. Somehow most haven't fabricated an allergy to that med.

[blackribbon]

Congrats on being clean...however, you do need to spend more time healing yourself before you surround yourself with users and the temptations they will provide. If you help with addicts, make sure you do it through an organization that will hold you accountable for your own continued sobriety. There are peer counselor positions available through substance abuse recovery organizations for ex-addicts to help other addicts and often this type of counseling is the best because you do understand where they are coming from and recognize the "excuses" and "lies".

I am a contingent psych nurse with med/surg being my primary position. I do see drug seekers on the floor and I feel compassion to them as people, I would be lying if I don't get frustrated as they demand they are 10/10 as they jump all over my room setting it up to their liking and complaining to me that 0.5mg of dilaudid isn't enough for them...call that damn doctor back now, where is their IV benadryl?, and what do you mean they are NPO for severe abdominal pain w/nausea and vomiting "don't we know they are starving and haven't had anything to eat for hours", never mind the fact I just read the ER nurse's note about what the patient just ate in the ER. Most of these patients do have medical conditions that do come with pain, but it is obvious, their pain from their disease isn't the pain they are suffering from as they occupy the last available bed on our floor and the hospital is completely maxed out I will say that my documentation suddenly becomes psych documentation where I start quoting the patient and reporting the differences between behavor and what the patient says. I'll never forget the patient who arrived on the floor saying that it was her first time at our hospital and where was her PCA pump because she always gets a PCA pump at her other hospital.....can I say, she never got it and I was torn because I couldn't tell what part of her pain was withdrawal and what part was sickle cell crisis because her labs did indicate that it was active. She got some TLC and wet rags from me that night along with a very low dose of dilaudid ...because her verbal list of her "home meds" sounded like she was reciting the narcotics section of a drug book...and all of them...ALL of them had run on out Monday, three days ago...if she really had those meds at home and took them on the frequency she claimed, she would have been dead. I doubt that she comes back to our hospital...and I wonder how many hospitals she was turned away from before coming to our ER.

I do feel compassion and have even taken a substance abuse class to expand my knowledge on the topic but was horrified by the "medical" advice the social worker instructor was giving to our class made up primarily of ex-addicts who were interested in getting into counseling. He told the class to refuse coriticosteriods....( WHO abuses those?...people who like moonfaces, buffalo humps, and to watch their muscle atrophy? ) and stated that there was no good use for narcotics EVER..."nobody every dies of pain". ??? (tell that to the chronic pain sufferers who accidentally overdose or commit suicide trying to escape unrelieved pain)

[RNsub, ASN]

hherrn, the OP is most likely taking Suboxone, a harm reduction medication with a very different mechanism of action than Methadone.

To the OP, I wish you wouldn't refer to yourself as a loser. You are an addict with a disease, not a bad person. Congrats on all your hard work!

[Footballnut]

Congrats and all the best as you continue in your recovery. I certainly respect you and I even respected you when you were drug seeking. I have had to approach you with a sense of compassion, sadness and courage over the years. How great to hear that you are doing well!