Drug Seeking (not what you're expecting)

[Melleeboo1]

Hello, I am just someone who is really considering going into mental health nursing. I am posting this here because I know that emergency medicine doctors and nurses see these types of people all the time. I want to help addicts; I know they can be helped if they really want to be.

I am a newly recovering addict, 90 days clean and I am one of those drug seeking patients everyone hates so much, and believe me, you are within your rights to hate people like me. I hated myself for a very long time. I was a loser, I will not now or ever deny that. You have the right to feel loathing towards us.

I remember years ago I would read your forum on drug seeking and get so mad! I had no right! You're faced with people like me every single day, and while I wasn't hard to manage, nor did I scream or threaten, the docs and nurses hated me; I would show up every 2 days with a new complaint. Sometimes I would "score" and sometimes I would get busted, and sometimes I walked away with nothing.

There wasn't anything I wouldn't fake: back pain, abdominal pain, migraines, chronic pain of all sorts, and a couple of them scored big, dilaudid, morphine pumps, I had a couple surgeries, out of sheer desperation for my drug of choice (Percocet and Norco). I hate myself for that, I was taking up a bed that could have been used by someone else sicker, how dare I?

I beat myself up to this day, I was told in group to allow myself to release that hate, because that is not who I am anymore. I am not a "loser drug seeker" who should be "put out of" my "misery" as I read in a student doctors forum. I am so sorry that I did all of that, I am so sorry I made sicker people wait longer cause I was faking something serious. I hate to think that my stupidity and actions caused even the smallest bit of harm and/or suffering to someone else.

I am extremely dedicated to my sobriety, I will never ever go back to that life again, ever! I may be newly clean and sober but I already know what I want to do and where I want to be in life a few years from now.

I am now on meds that block the withdrawal, and I will be for many years. I am not high anymore, I am thinking straight and clearly. I tear up when I think of my stupid actions. Even tho I did learn to not come to the ERs with fake serious conditions, it makes no difference, the damage is done and my reputation at our local ERs is set in stone.

I have had to go back to the ER because of severe vomiting and dehydration and pain, but was completely honest. I said I was a drug seeker and had a history of such in their ER and several others, and I apologized to the doctors and nurses that I lied too. I was lucky, they were very understanding and I was treated really well.

A doc asked me, before I had apologized how I was able to maintain a constant flow of prescription opioids and I told him that I was what they call a "drug seeker". His answer was, "I don't mind treating ex addicts, even the ex drug seekers, as long as they're honest with us and get the help needed, I could treat them all day long." That made me feel so good, I left feeling better physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I was scared going in, it was the first time since I had decided to get help that I was in the ER. I got the looks and the stares from staff until I told them all the truth, then they stopped. The docs, the nurses, (these were the people who treated me in my DS days) told me how happy they were for me, and that they have no problem treating me, even with narcotics if necessary. Of course I said no narcotics, no way! Even if they had given me a narc, the meds I have in me to reduce and eliminate withdrawal would block both the euphoria I would get, and the pain killing effect and possibly send me into an ugly withdrawal. No way!! I have been dopesick way too many times, I am done with that life. My son even sees the difference in me, I am more active, and happier while not in acute withdrawal and off drugs.

For anyone who doesn't understand withdrawal, and I found out there are a whole lot of people in the medical field, and even the most well trained and seasoned docs don't understand withdrawal and how it forces some to the ER. Believe me I am not excusing someone's seeking behaviors, but withdrawal is some of the worst stuff someone can go thru. I would rather eat a bullet then deal with it again, and there were a few times while I sat endless hours at an ER waiting to seek drugs that I almost grabbed a cop;s gun and shot myself. I would sit there and bawl for hours contemplating whether I should just leave and commit suicide or stay and be a loser. It's horrible how withdrawal messes with your mind.

If you don't mind I would like to list just a few of my worst symptoms so you can see how bad it can get. These are just a few of the many....:

1) insomnia..

2) RLS...

3) all over severe pain...

4) severe depression, suicidal ideation and severe anxiety...

5) cold sweats, and chills at the same time...

6)body shocks... and

7) rapid heart rate, feels like your gonna die..

I have finally learned to overcome, and I am dosed well enough to live normally and happily, and I want, with a passion to be a nurse in a drug rehab setting, I know how docs and nurses feel, the satisfaction of helping someone who is truly in pain, I would love to help someone who is in withdrawal pain to be released from that pain...

Again I am so sorry for my actions, my behavior, and my lies... I know 99% of you don't know me, but I have this feeling that you know of people like me, and there are probably a couple of you, out of the many on this forum that may have seen me if you work in the Chicago suburban hospitals or in the Wichita area hospitals. I appreciate your time, and please don't be too rough on me, if you decide to comment. It's very hard to admit that I was a complete and total loser. Thanks :)

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

I wanted give you a virtual high five! If I had landed in that pit it would have taken a backhoe and winch to get me out, so huge respect for you.

[Clementine1]

Congratulations! Keep your goal in mind when temptation creeps up on you. I think it's great you want to work as a nurse, although I think it would be in your best interest to be clean for awhile before taking on such difficult schooling. Ultimately, being clean should be your top priority, not only for yourself, but your son and future patients! Best of luck to you! You have already taken the hardest step! :)

[rheath22]

This is really interesting. I have RSD in my right arm. I get very intense pain. I have a pain management doctor, and meds but this day it was unbearable. I went to the ER, bawling in pain, it was so sore I was shaking. I couldn't sleep, my Teeth were chattering it was terrible. It was 4 am.I was on nucynta ER x BID and it was doing nothing. I was new to pain management so did not have anything else and didn't know what else to do. They checked my medical record and the DR on that day was a former Army doc. They gave me a IV of ketamine and it worked really well.

Fast forward couple months later, I had another terrible flare up, worse than the last. Same doc, (luckily) gave me ketamine again, and couldn't control it, he admitted me for 3 days. Got the pain under control.

Then three months later I had a terrible flare up. It was about 6 pm and they had a APRN on this time, they treated me terrible. My R arm was swollen and red and had a terrible rash, it was really bad, my arm looked like a calf it was that swollen. Instead of care, I got a lecture about how I shouldn't come to the ER for intense pain and because my pain management office didn't have a on call I was not getting anything. My b/p was 114/82 but my pulse was 130, they asked me if I was nervous. Are you kidding me?? I got a giant lecture from the APRN about wasting her and other doctors time and drug seeking.

I went to my pain management doc that Monday (it was a Saturday) and told him what happened. He apologized and gave me six duiladed for pain, it took over four months for me to use those SIX 4 mg pills. I only use them when I have intense pain and cannot cope. I was in the early stage of my Dx so they were still running tests and finding the right Dx.

I have seen both sides, people wanting to get high and getting oxycodones for headaches, then I have experienced being in severe painted getting treated like a criminal. I am still in nursing school, but these experiences have made me a better nurse already.. Sorry if I got off track!!