Domestic Abuse Assessment

[opdahlamber]

I was all of 18 when I met my first husband. It was three days after 9/11 and my stepmother had just kicked me out of the house. I had no place to go. I went out with a girlfriend and met this charming, leather-clad man at the bar. I ended up drinking way too much and slept on his couch for three days while he convinced me how truly precious I was and how he just knew I was the one woman who could make him a better man.

He was very honest about how his first wife had had him jailed several times for domestic assault but he would never do something like that to me. She was evil, psychotic; she drove him to extremes of anger. I was a beautiful, sweet young girl and exactly what this 30-year-old man needed to be a true-life prince in shining armor. Of course, I should move in with him; my family was horrible, they did not love me as he could. No one would ever love me as he did. "Don't worry; I will take care of you now."

He was charming and darling for about a year. Until every member of my family had given up on seeing me again, hated me for "abandoning" them, and I had no friends left. Oh, he would yell at me, maybe cuff the back of my head; slap my face occasionally. However, I was young and did not know anything. I was always doing something wrong and he had to teach me. How else was I going to learn?

I married him. Why wouldn't I? I wanted a baby. I was not about to have another child out of wedlock (my first child died at birth when I was 15). I was going to do it right this time. I was going to do right by God so He would let me keep a baby. I wanted dozens of babies, in fact, but was willing to settle for four, maybe six.

He began beating me for no reason. He was mad I knew that John Hancock was the first president of the US, just not voted in as one. He beat me with a cell phone power cord for that. Taught me not to win at Trivial Pursuit. There were days when I could not go to work I was beaten so badly. Leave him, you say? Sure. With what money? He took my paychecks. If I tried hiding some in the tampon box, he would beat me. Where would I go? I had no family left. He had made me move hours away from my family and they all hated me for abandoning them, remember? Stay in a shelter? Sure. Let me go stay in the one safe house in the area; the one he would drive me by every time we went to town and point out to me as being the place "those women go to hide from their husbands when they get tired of being real women." Go to the hospital? I did. Listen up. NOT ONE NURSE OR DOCTOR EVER ASKED ME IF I WAS BEING ABUSED. NOT ONE. Call the police? Oh, please, don't make me laugh at the good ole' boy society you find in rural Iowa.

Eventually, I got pregnant. A little boy. Oh, I cannot explain the absolute joy... I wanted to be a mom more than anything else in the world. At 31 weeks, I was hospitalized for preterm contractions, placed on Mag Sulfate, bed rest for a few days. Got them stopped. I do not know what it is about being pregnant; but he hated me while I had that belly. He beat me almost every day. Guess how may nurses or doctors asked me while I was pregnant if I was being abused; what those marks were from? NOT ONE. At 37 weeks and three days, he hit me so hard my placenta partially abrupted. He was nice enough to take me to the ER right away.

They got the monitor on in time to see the FHR at 52 and dropping. Dropped to nothing. They knocked me out, took my baby by emergency C-section, and got vital signs back. They saved my son.

While I was out, they happened to ask my oh so wonderful husband what were our birth control plans? Did we want a tubal? That was our plans, he said. So they did it. After I woke up and they presented me with my first of at least nine children (I thought) the nurse mentioned how I (at 21, mind you) did not have to worry about hormonal birth control when breast-feeding since the tubal was done, how wonderful for me... Excuse me, what was that? I was brought paperwork from the legal department and signed them promising not to sue. The OB-GYN that had done my C-section and tubal swore to me he would do everything he could to reverse the tubal and make sure I was fertile again. Still no one asked the obvious, "What was going on here?"

I got home with our new baby. That day, my ex-husband hurt me, badly. He ruptured my uterus. The scarring from that... I would never carry another child. I had the most painful menstrual cycles. After a few years, I had a D&C and ablation. No more menses. Even less hope of having my dozen children. I never got that tubal reversed.

No one ever asked, "Do you feel safe at home?" "Has anyone ever punched, kicked, or pushed you?" "Does your partner monitor your time, or constantly accuse you of cheating?" "Are you being isolated from your family or friends?"

Eventually, after another 3 years of abuse, I grew some courage. I went back to school for nursing. I learned I was not stupid. I learned that people, even men, could talk to me and respect me without wanting to sleep with me. I learned that I deserved respect and civility and I was DONE being abused. I kicked that man out of my home. I still have to face him, every other weekend, because that is how the legal system works. He has rights to see his son. I have no rights to feel safe but that is not the focus.

Friends, here is what I want. I want you to ask every single women you see in your career those questions about domestic abuse. I beg you to make a difference. I want you to educate yourselves on the signs of domestic abuse and stand up for the women who have been beaten into submission and cannot stand up for themselves. I cannot explain to you the soul deep belief that I deserved to be treated that way. The nightmares I still have. The crushing guilt I experience for allowing this man to father my baby. My only baby. It was MY FAULT. I own that. However, how much sooner could I have gotten help if even one nurse had made a simple assessment?

Please, contact your local crisis intervention, police stations, etc. Find out the resources you can offer women. You will be shocked at how very little help there is. Statistics show less than 30% of women with traumatic injuries seen in the emergency room are assessed for domestic abuse. Studies are done that conclude it takes at least three times asking a domestic victim, alone with only a nurse asking, to admit to being abused. Domestic abuse victims are 46% more likely than non-abused women to seek medical care for illness, solely in the hope that someone, anyone, will notice them and help them. Please. Ask those few extra questions. Dedicate yourselves to be devoted to service for human welfare. Do you remember that part of the Nightingale Pledge? Hold that in your hearts.

[LoveNeverDies]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am a student nurse and one day in clinical I was assisting the nurse with paperwork and watching her run through the questions. When she asked if she was being abused she did not answer, the nurse did not even pause. Three questions later the woman said "yes" in the middle of a question. The nurse said "excuse me?" and the woman replied. "Yes, my boyfriend slaps, shoves, and kicks me." This poor woman showed no emotion at all when saying this, and she had no bruises or outward signs of abuse. It broke my heart to hear her say that. Since that I am even more watchful for signs of abuse and I ask every single one of my patients that question.

[lhflanurseNP, APRN]

Thank you for sharing your story. It is sad that no one ever asked "are you ok? are you safe?" It can be difficult at times because the abuser never gives you a chance to be alone or say anything...that's a first clue following repeated ER visits or injuries that don't match up to what is being blamed for the cause. Hairdressers are now encouraged to report possible abuse, but like many nurses, they don't know if they should or not. I was involved, as a nurse, in an elder abuse patients scenario. It opened my eyes to looking at clues on the interaction between the two people then finding a way to get them apart. I am sure you will take the high road and be alert to the signs.

[sneeds]

These stories are so tough to read. There is a syndrome assigned for this victimization - battered person syndrome. It was not your fault. That kind of thinking will make you think you are powerless in your life from here on in. You WERE a victim and now you are powerful person. He is at fault. He hit you. Just because you didn't leave in the past for whatever reason does not make him right to hurt YOU. That goes for anyone in any kind of hurtful situation. The syndrome is very insidious and creeps slowly causing the person to just take it. I'm so glad you got out. Life is gray scale it's not black and white and it doesn't come with instructions. Abusive controlling people isolate people in order to take out their anger and control issues. It will never be your fault. It's easy to be sucked into a vortex little by little until you are a different person than you ever were before ( you don't even know it's happening until it gets so bad). If you are unhappy and find yourself feeling helpless, hopeless, alone and despondent, know that your life can change and reach out - realize that this is not what you want in life. I hope anyone in this situation realizes that they need to and can reach out to others because that's what it's gonna take to get out of it. I took Psychology of Women class in college and learned a lot about this topic. I see it play out in the workplace sometimes too. Women need to empower themselves and make powerful friendships just like guys do. Also, there are good men out there.

[Sugarcoma, RN]

As evidenced by the many responses to this thread recounting the posters own struggle with domestic violence this is an issue pervasive in all races and classes of society.

I read this story and it brought back some really painful memories for me. I too have survived abuse. I am always amazed by the commonalities shared by both the survivors and the abusers. These men and women seem to have an uncanny ability to spot those with low self esteem, trapped in less than ideal circumstances, and they always manage to position themselves as a champion in that persons life. They are such crafty manipulators that oftentimes their victims don't even realize they have been isolated from all family and friends until it is too late.

I often wonder if these people have access to some sort of playbook for predators. The scariest thing is that they or at least the ones I have dealt with are not self aware. When you point out how they methodically selected, groomed, and essentially preyed upon another person they will express shock and deny their motives and behaviors. I have often wondered if they are really that clueless or if it is just an act for the doctors, nurses, judges, counselors, and law enforcement personnel.

I am pretty good at spotting these people, and yes they are both men and women. I know for a fact that some of my patient's are victims, statistics bear that out. I ask the questions and I make EVERY person present besides the patient LEAVE the room. I have been cursed at by both partners and patient for that.

I have had a couple of women say yes to the questions and I have to tell you I have been beyond disappointed at what follows as "help" afterwards. First there is the social work consult, the pamphlet with a few numbers to some hotlines and the referral to the bursting at the seams shelters for women. Male victims have no shelters available to them at all. There are no emergency funds, no free or low cost psychiatric help that doesn't involve a long wait period and a ton of paperwork, no help with job placement or training that doesn't involve a long wait period.

The social worker will call the police to make a report. Unless the hospitalization is a direct result of the abuse most of the time the abusers are not even arrested, just given a court date. Even if they are arrested right away they can bond out fairly easily. Protective orders are a joke. I had one, didn't stop my ex. I remember vividly the police officer who told me flat out get yourself a gun and shoot him if he comes near you because he will kill you and we will just find that protective order lying next to your body.

Welfare takes at least 30 days to process, if they are lucky they may be able to get a food stamp card the same day but no cash. Then of course unless they are legally separated or divorced, or wait for the case to move through the courts and have a conviction on record, they need the abusers income information to apply for welfare. The women are left to uproot their kids, and hope they can rebuild their entire lives within the 90 day period they can stay in the shelter or look forward to sleeping on rotating church floors that serve as emergency shelter after the 90 days are up. This would be a pretty daunting task for a psychologically healthy human being, much less for someone reeling from the trauma of recent abuse. This of course is more than what is available to any man who finds himself in an abusive situation. It is pretty disheartening and oftentimes the victims end up recanting and going back to the abuser.

Those who are lucky are able to reach out to a family member or friend but the ones who come from a place where they have no non-dysfunctional family or friends available need an almost super human amount of personal strength to dig themselves out. It is no wonder that many of them give up.

I am so grateful to those of you who have shared your stories and in awe of each of you who managed to pull yourself out of the mess to become a survivor. This website is read by so many. Who knows what nurse, what nursing school hopeful, or what man or women simply contemplating the career may be in an abusive situation. Perhaps reading these stories of triumph will spur them onto action or give them some hope and encouragement to keep on with their efforts. It is hard but it is not impossible!

[ant2cory]

Thank you for writing this. As a DV survivor, I know how important it is to ask. You are right though. In the 9 years I was with that man ONE doctor asked me how I got my bruises. I told him I got in a fight. I was 19 years old, young and didn't know what to say. I do however, remember hoping the doctor would ask me yet when he did I didn't even tell him.

I am sorry for what you have been through but I hope that you, me and others can use testimonies like this to help other women. You are also very right about the "justice" system we have in this country, as survivors we STILL do not have the right be to safe bc these men still get to see the children.

I wish that all nurses, doctors and court staff had mandatory training in DV. Maybe one day.

[driven_chick1]

AMEN! I was a victem of domestic violence for four years.. I finally worked up the strength to leave after he flung his hands around my neck when I was 7 months pregnant with our son, who is now three months old. My hope is to become a psychiatric nurse so that I can help and treat other victims of abuse and abusers. I reported my situation at the hospital before the nurse asked me because I have a restraining order on him, but they did say that it was mandatory for them to ask anywho, so I believe they have started taking part in domestic violence awareness, woohoo!

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

My grandmother was abused by her husband. My mother was abused by her husband. My first husband was an Ivy League grad, a high-tech industry professional success (until he started being mean to the secretarial staff and getting fired-- six jobs in seven years). He was always verbally abusive, as we moved farther and farther from my family and friends over the years, but when he started in on hitting me in front of my children I realized that all of this had to stop or my son would learn that it was ok to treat a woman like that and my daughter would learn that it was ok to be treated like that. They were 3 and 10 months when I divorced him. I had to stop the family history, here and now. As they grew I taught them that it's stupid to hang around anyone who makes you feel bad and that furthermore, making somebody else feel small is a lousy way to make yourself feel big-- useful lessons in many contexts.

When they were 4 and 7 I fell in love with and married a wonderful man, who still tells me and shows me every day how much he loves and respects me. Now my children are both married to wonderful people, are wonderful parents and wonderful spouses, and my grandchildren are safe and loved.

It was a hard road. Like many other women, I did it for my children and only afterwards realized that it was the best thing for me, too. Like many nurses, I took responsibility for the relationship, only later realizing that at most the fault in a bad marriage is 50-50. Is it hard to leave, dangerous sometimes, scary? You bet. Many women don't leave because the unknown, even if it is probably better, is more scary than the known, even if it is demonstrably bad.

And no, nobody asked me, either; though my sweet GYN for the last 25 years asks me every year at my check-up, even though I have truthfully and joyfully said no for 25 years.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

In my area, they have DV a part of school curriculum and screening; I learned how to interview people in those situations. There is also DV training...the hardest part is when they discuss teen dating violence, because during this period of life, schools focus on conflict resolution; unfortunately, therapy with the abuser DOES NOT help; it makes it WORSE...known FACT...I learned this after my ordeal as well...I tried to got to therapy with my ex...it was a mess.

I participated in DV training in my area. It may be because there a a huge push to decreasing violence, especially DV violence; there is staring to be a correlation between an increase in gun violence and DV-even if it is an ex shooting a family member or a new significant other; at least that is what my area has been tracking. They just opened a new transitional apartment complex in my area. There are now four shelters that house women and families; there is only 15 beds for male victims.

I suggest all who are interested in receiving DC training to google your area to see if there is training.

Also DV survivors are eligible to receive scholarships and grants for higher education through the Sunshine Foundation as well.

[opdahlamber]

On a professional note: Thank you so much to ALL of you that said this will change your assessments! This is EXACTLY what needs to happen; this is exactly what I wanted to hear. You all bring tears to my eyes to hear you won't ever forget my story and will ask these questions. On a more personal note: Someone asked what I do to keep my son safe when the courts force me to send him to his father's house every other weekend. There is not much I can do. I teach him to tell me if he was hurt when he gets back. I have him see a counselor to work on resiliency and skills to report and "walk on eggshells" so to speak. His father has made me look so bad in front of judges and Human Services. I didn't marry him for no reason. He was charming, believable! The people who are supposed to help me keep my son safe believe him. I let my baby go to him or I go to jail for contempt. Welcome to the ugly reality of what happens after you leave. I thank God everyday I found my husband (second time was the charm!) and that he is so supportive such a great step-dad and role model for my boy.

[canchaser, BSN, RN]

We had a coworker, held down by her husband and then beat up by his children. She lied about being beat up while out one night. We didn't by it and as she kept coming in with bruises and stories of how her steroid inhaler would make her bruise easily. She finally left that jerk took us 8 months to talk sense into her. She was returning to nursing after8 years. I'm so glad she came to work with us. She has a support system. I know it's not easy to leave being a stay at home mom and return to nursing. I keep reminding her she is setting a good example for her 10'year old son who had seen much of it. And she never " deserved" any thing like that.

[FlorenceNtheMachine]

I will be more vigilant. I too had an abusive boyfriend. Got me when I was young, controlled me. Couldn't go out, couldn't wear makeup, or dress nice if I wasn't with him. Sometimes I couldn't even listen to a song in the car if he thought it was dumb.

I blame myself for taking it for so long. But you know, because it wasnt (very) physical I never would have reported it.

Sometimes the lesson you have to learn is the one you live through. I was too hardheaded to listen to anyone. I had to just grow up and see the grass was so much greener elsewhere.

[flashpoint]

This definitely is going to impact how I do my assessments. I think we sometimes get in such a routine about asking questions, that we forget how important the answers really are. Thanks for sharing your story.