Well, after almost 10 years of varying degrees of hell for me and the people who love me, I may well have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Years of depression may have been not properly treated. Years of general practictioners handing me the whatever $400 pill sample the pharm reps give that week with a handful of obnoxious pens and cutesy badge holders. Years of being told, "Take this, it'll get better (or go away), get counseling, see you in 3 months." Years of not being referred to a specialist. Years of asking for very specific guidance only to be met with a blank look and pat on the shoulder and the reminder that "As a nurse, you know how this works. Check the yellow pages, call your insurance company."
After I tried to kill myself last summer, was that not a CLUE that something was out of control, namely me?
If you had a patient with new-onset IDDM, would you give them a script for insulin and needles, then say "Here you go!! Read the pamplets, don't eat sugar, and I'll see you in 3 months!! Take care, buh-BYE!!"
Am I mad? Damn skippy.:angryfire
OK, my question is this...how many nurses have a diagnosis of mental illness? Not just "the blues" or a normal grief reaction or pulling a mean drunk one weekend ; I mean something that will affect you from now until you die, and requires vigilance and management to remain functional not just as a nurse, but a person?
I have always wondered...are we attracted to a certain field because of who we already are, or does the vocation make the monster? There really does seem to be some troubled people in nursing. Is mental illness more likely in healthcare workers? (Wonder why, a real head-scratcher there:uhoh21: )
No one really knows that I too suffer from this. I have never been suicidal but have been in the deep dark place (you all can relate to the place I am talking about). I was there the other night. I was all worried about my mother getting older and I cried the entire night. People would have thought I was crazy. I keep the radio on all night and it all started when I heard a song. Not even a particularly sad song, it just resignated with me. I take a script for this, but sometimes it does not help. I am a student and I know I just have to get through this. My doctor says it is hormonal though I have had it most of my life.
Good luck to all.
Hormones? You mean like the diagnosis of "hysteria" they used to give crazy women (originated from "hysto-", meaning "uterus")? God save us from American health care.
I have a previous diagnosis of depression. I don't know if that's a big deal for a nurse. I imagine there are many of us. I finished my degree this year, and in my last term I began to notice all the telltale signs of depression. I am now working in the acute in-patient psych unit of a nearby hospital, and that makes me feel trapped. I am using the coping skills I developed years ago to help me through things, but no medication, and I often worry I will not be able to overcome this.
I read about someone having panic attacks. I've had them since I was about 8? It used to be at most once and year...it escalated about two years ago, and now, it is at least once a week, sometimes once a day.
When someone FINALLY sat me down and actually went over a life history with me and kind of "mapped out" occurences and changes with me, a pattern emerged. Those "panic attacks" were most likely hypomanic episodes, and I have probaly been rapid cycling. Those two terms were really news to me, and I'm a pretty educated gal!
I have had doctors ask me about "mania". When I think of "mania", I have ALWAYS drawn on past patient experience. I worked as a paramedic before I was a nurse. When I had manic patients, they...
1. Had stopped the meds
2. Were usually completely out of touch with reality. These were folks that could not stop talking, moving, yelling, you name it. One guy jumped from a moving car on the turnpike and didn't think it would hurt him. Really extreme behavior.
3. I thought when you were manic, you were HAPPY. And that you had all this great energy and accomplished alot and felt wildly creative. I mean, I always heard that patients quit the meds because they missed the highs.
4. I thought that manic episodes lasted for a couple of weeks, not just days or hours.
5. Hypersexuality? My husband should be so lucky.
No one asked me "Did you ever stay awake for two days writing down notes about redecorating the house?" Or thought it was wierd that, on the day I tried to off myself, I was in a GREAT mood. I was having a really nice day for the first time in months. But, someone said the wrong thing to me, and BOOM...it was like flipping a switch. I was on autopilot, and I carried out a plan that I had been formulating during a deep funk. I also stopped responding to antidepressants, the really high-powered ones, even when I took them faithfully.
Back to the panic episodes. I begged my GP for something, anything. He gave me Klonopin "for emergencies." Why didn't he think that maybe we could PREVENT the emergency?? I took them maybe twice...it's really difficult to be anxious when you are unconscious. I didn't want to sleep all day, I wanted to function.
I always had panic attacks over stupid stuff. My last one this week was because I didn't know what to make the kids for dinner. Folks have a hard time understanding that. It's not necessarily something catastrophic that makes you freak out. It's not normal, and I know that!! Telling the crazy person that they are crazy does NOT make them feel LESS crazy.
Thanks for all the nice posts. DO NOT give up trying to get help. I did once, and I am paying for it now.
PS-If one more person in my life says "Oh, manic depression!!! Van Gogh had that!!" I really will go goofy. That's a ringing endorsement for a mental illness. Paint pictures no one appreciates for 50 years, cut off an ear and give it to a whore, then shoot yourself in the chest and die over a 2 day period. Jeez.
I'm bipolar type 1. I also rapid cycle which makes things quite interesting and aggrevating. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago. Two months after I was diagnosed, I was in the state hospital for 8 weeks because I was so manic I couldn't catch myself. I was also playing in traffic, ten foot tall and bullet proof, could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Life was fun! I was also homocidal, suicidial, and several other types of -cidial that I don't even want to think about. Oh yeah, I was involuntarily commited so it was almost like being in jail. I didn't want to be there and I don't ever want to go back.
Right now, I'm doing quite well. I still have my ups and downs but they're not so UP! and down. I take low doses of neurontin, lamactal, and paxil with PRN ativan, inderal, and seroquel. I also have therapy and a wonderful support system in place.
I learned along time ago that I'm responsible for myself. It took me a long time to learn this as I always was putting others first to my own determent. There is no one else that is going to take my medication, do my exercising, do my positive thinking, go to therapy, eat correctly, etc. except me. If I don't or can't do those things then those people around me suffer. I eventully suffer as I end up somewhere that I don't want to be ie. commited, jailed (not yet), or dead (tried twice, failed twice, lucky me). I have to be proactive in my care which makes me a self advocate. As far as finding proper mental health care, I have had to fight for it. I've gotten Protection and Advocacy involved which has not just helped me but several other people in my area. This state is severely lacking in mental health care and it can be very frustrating. I am also not covered by any health insurance as I have chosen to work rather then go on disability.
I know that I cannot let the bipolar demons win. So far, I'm fighting and this week I'm winning. Who knows about next week. It hasn't come yet. I cannot worry about next week until it gets here. This is a hard disease and didn't ask for it. I can't say that it's better or worse then COPD, cancer, or heart disease because I have never had them. I do know about bipolar as it has me firmly in its grip and I will not let it win today.
Depression. I was diagnosed in NURSING SCHOOL. and I also used to have recurrant panic attacks. Thats under control. but i will never forget how it felt. We get patients in the ER who have them and some label them as PSHCHE, but I have way more caompassion and unerstanding for them, so they appreciate having someone underastand. So I can at least put my bad experience into good measure by being a pt advocate.
Specializes in ER, Ambulatory Surgery, ICU, I V Therapy.
Soundasleep...If you ever get the time and the inclination, check out a book that began a turning point in my life-Woman and ADD by Sari Solden. The disorganization in home/car/office is addressed there as are money management problems and many other issues.
I have depression and ADD but for years I was too busy running around working extra shifts/weekends/holidays trying to be a single mother and pay the bills, then returning to school and getting my BSN and then my law degree. When I graduated from law school/passed the bar and only had one job I became severely depressed. Change of life also resulted in increasing depression. I held it all together for years until the point where I was crying everyday and had no reason or idea why. Somehow I functioned better during the chaos of my earlier life.
I was one who would take the triage info from patients (I worked ER) and when ever anyone was on any type of "psyche" meds, i AUTOMATICALLY LABELED THEM "crazy". In my family, there was no PMS, depression etc... I was brought up to believe these were weak people. As my mom said repeatedly, "who is happy?"
Well, I finally am- because I learned to be less judgmental of others and then myself. I am learning (still struggling) that I am ok and that "normal" comes in many variations if there is even such a thing. Stop beating your self up and embrace your strengths.
Depression, and anxiety here. Medicated on and off for years, currently on. I get so anxious, or depressed, cant distinguish between the 2, that I literally do nothing. I sleep, dont go to work, dont clean, dont want to cook. Sometimes I know what triggers it, sometimes I dont. Sometimes I wake up, and suddenly cant go to work, so I call out. Happens with other things too, like shopping or something. It makes me mad, because I know it is irrational, but I cant make myself stop. Its horrible. I recently made the decision to go to talk therapy, after procrastinating for years about "I dont know where to begin" and getting anxious about that. This is all from a pretty intelligent person.(according to my grades, not achievements) I have low self esteem, and if I am good at something, I automatically think that it cant be that hard. I think my anxiety has turned me into a lazy person. I dont deal well, so I avoid it all together!!!! i have left jobs that i LOVED , just because. I mean, I would call in sick, for a few days, then just not call in anymore, not go back, be embarrassed to call because of calling out, and then spending the next how many months regretting that I did that. And wanting to go back very badly. Just writing it sounds INSANE.
LadyBugLass
90 Posts
Hormones? You mean like the diagnosis of "hysteria" they used to give crazy women (originated from "hysto-", meaning "uterus")? God save us from American health care.