Well, after almost 10 years of varying degrees of hell for me and the people who love me, I may well have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Years of depression may have been not properly treated. Years of general practictioners handing me the whatever $400 pill sample the pharm reps give that week with a handful of obnoxious pens and cutesy badge holders. Years of being told, "Take this, it'll get better (or go away), get counseling, see you in 3 months." Years of not being referred to a specialist. Years of asking for very specific guidance only to be met with a blank look and pat on the shoulder and the reminder that "As a nurse, you know how this works. Check the yellow pages, call your insurance company."
After I tried to kill myself last summer, was that not a CLUE that something was out of control, namely me?
If you had a patient with new-onset IDDM, would you give them a script for insulin and needles, then say "Here you go!! Read the pamplets, don't eat sugar, and I'll see you in 3 months!! Take care, buh-BYE!!"
Am I mad? Damn skippy.:angryfire
OK, my question is this...how many nurses have a diagnosis of mental illness? Not just "the blues" or a normal grief reaction or pulling a mean drunk one weekend ; I mean something that will affect you from now until you die, and requires vigilance and management to remain functional not just as a nurse, but a person?
I have always wondered...are we attracted to a certain field because of who we already are, or does the vocation make the monster? There really does seem to be some troubled people in nursing. Is mental illness more likely in healthcare workers? (Wonder why, a real head-scratcher there:uhoh21: )
Oh, thank God. I've had depression since I was a kid, didn't start getting treatment until I was in my early 30's. I was scared to death that anyone finding out I'm on buspar, lexapro and prozac would get me kicked out of school. When I stay on my meds, I'm fine.
I grew up feeling that depression was some kind of character flaw -- you know that old "well, if you just were a strong person, you wouldn't need all this stuff." No one tells a diabetic that their insulin needs are "all in their head." I mean, I know that this is no different than my body not making an enzyme or something else that it needs, but man, I've been programmed to feel bad about not being "normal." Despite the fact that suicides are all over my mom's side of the family, along with major clinical depressions, you're "weak" if you "give into it."
Nursing school's enough stress without worrying you're going to accidently drop a prozac in front of a professor and get thrown out of the program....
I was brought up to believe these were weak people. As my mom said repeatedly, "who is happy?"
Wow, did your mom and my mom do lunch? Those were her exact words...for YEARS. I think she was the one who also applied the label 'lazy' for the times where I just couldn't move.
Anyway, had two major depressive episodes (maybe three). Currently under treatment with a dx of dysthymic disorder. I haven't disclosed to the nursing school. I doubt I'll tell the hospital either, when and if I'm hired. If anyone questions the Wellbutrin, I tell 'em I'm taking them prophylactically for migraines. (Have migraines, the wellbutrin does seem to keep the number and intensity down!) With meds I'm functional. Maybe not all that happy, but functional. i'm considering psych nursing because I know how it feels to have the chemicals in your head messed up...and that it isn't just a lack of character to have a mental illness.
Wow. Thank you all so much for your stories. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I-mixed about 4 months ago, after being misdiagnosed for approx. 10 years. It's so great to hear all of these things when you've felt so alone in your illness. I've always been treated for Major Depressive Disorder. In Feb. I told someone that I felt like committing suicide. So, they helped me into hospitalization. That place was a complete waste of my time..and money. I don't feel as though I benefited from it at all. After my hospitalization I had to drop out of RN school, (I was in my last semester) because I had already failed one class andmy motivation was just not there. My professor said she knew something was going on because I am normally an A-B student, and then I failed. Anyways, at the hospital they put me on Lexapro. NOW, I know that if you put a bipolar person on just an anti-depressant, it can throw them into a manic state. Well, whala..there it came. In my manic states I basically don't sleep, impulsivity and spending sprees. After dropping out of school, I moved 3 hours away to be with my now husband. I tried to seek help, like therapy, but it was going to be 6 months before I could see anyone. How rediculous is that?? First I started depressed, sleeping, crying and self mutilation. Then, mania set in..and impulsivity led me to take sleeping pills, without even thinking about it.My husband found me and took me to the ER.They made me stay out in the waiting room! They were in no rush. They didn't give me anything, no charcoal or pumping my stomach. After something like that, how can you not think that nobody cares about you? After that, they wanted to put me in the hospital again in May. I absolutely refused knowing that the last one didn't help. So, she offered this Partial hospitalization, where you go half day. That seemed to help. That's where I got the DX. But, he's known for drugging people. He put me on Depakote. I got so sick from that, abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, etc. This was after I was released. I called the office and he told me to stop taking it cold turkey. This was 2 days from my wedding! I started having withdrawls from the depakote. It was awful. During this time, I got a new job down here. I thought it was my dream job. It was a private practice with only about 5 employees...just me and another nurse. Well, I had a little crying episode and started calling around town for help, I needed someone NOW. Well...in order to explain my behavior, I decided to disclose my dx. They were very kind, Christian people, so I didn't think anything of it. The other nurse there..well she kind of runs the show if you know what I mean. After this, she started treating me differently, pointing out every little thing I was doing wrong, was being rude and rolling her eyes if I asked her a question, etc. Later I found out that she said she had an aunt that was bipolar and it was "bad". When it came up to my 3 month evaluation..I was let go. I know it was because of my diagnosis and the nurse. They'll never admit it, they can make something up. Their reasoning is that "my confidence level wasn't were it needed to be." But it was pretty obvious. That was a month ago. Now I'm still dealing with feeling like a failure,an outcast and trying to deal with the unemployment. I've been without money for a month. Sorry this is so long...I've just been wanting to talk with someone so bad who has gone through the same thing, for someone who knows how exhausting it is to act and feel normal, to be frustrated with having to take medications each and every day. I'm with a new therapist now and we're trying out some new medications. Besides the nausea:doh: it seems to be working..so cross your fingers. I'm trying to restart my life, I'm taking classes online so I can finish my RN. I just wanted to thank all of you for your stories, and appreciate you for your courage. It takes a great deal of strength just to endure this, much else talk about it. If anyone would like to talk or chat, please feel free to PM me. I wish you all the best of luck and God bless you! :wink2:
What I always got was, "who ever promised you 'HAPPY?'"
Well, no one may have promised me 'happy' but I don't recall anyone saying I'm supposed to be doomed to a life of misery, either. It's not that I think I should bound out of bed every morning singing "zippedy-doo-dah" but gee, isn't it nice to not wake up and burst into tears?
Oh, and my sister's take on it? She gave me a copy of "A Beautiful Mind" and said that if that guy could conquer hallucinations and stuff by just refusing to engage the delusions, then I should be able to get over the depression by "just not being sad."
Wow!!! I didn't realize how horrible the stigma is in human medicine. I know that there is stigma in mental illness but I felt that human medicine would be more accepting because they are perhaps more educated about it. Anyways they educate us lay people about our illness. Reading this has made me even happier that I decided to work on the veterinary medicine side of things. My employer and co-workers know about my mental illness problems as well as the epilepsy. I work in a place where I'm not judged by my mental illness nor am I set up to fail. I have worked for this animal hospital for over 15 years. Sometimes I thought about going into human medicine (nursing) because of the better wages, benefits, more public respect, etc. Boy, I'm glad that I didn't.
Specializes in Critical Care, Pediatrics, Geriatrics.
Chronic depression, including major depression, currently untreated.
Same here...started in my pre-teens...got sick of the same tx the OP described...no one really getting in depth about what was going on before jumping at the depression dx and handing me a sample pack. Meds didn't work. Therapy did. Nursing school was the best...taught myself coping skills and started a reflective journal...confronted some issues with family members, etc. Everyday is a struggle.
In our psych class, the instructor briefly addressed the statistics regarding mental illness and its prevalence among socioeconomic groups. Most of your mood disorders are very prevelant among the higher educated, while most of your psychoses are seen among the lower socioeconomics classes. The conclusion was that this happened not because of actual numbers and occurrances (we all know MI does not descriminate), but because the higher/more educated classes seeked treatment and interventions sooner. I thought that was pretty interesting and very sad at the same time.
I have met very few well adjusted, non neurotic, anxiety-free, solid personalities....I think everyone has an underlying issue that they struggle with and that "mental illness" presses too much of a stigmatism on it that hinders us from speaking freely, possibly compounding the problem.
I started having withdrawls from the depakote. It was awful. During this time, I got a new job down here. I thought it was my dream job. It was a private practice with only about 5 employees...just me and another nurse. Well, I had a little crying episode and started calling around town for help, I needed someone NOW. Well...in order to explain my behavior, I decided to disclose my dx. They were very kind, Christian people, so I didn't think anything of it. The other nurse there..well she kind of runs the show if you know what I mean. After this, she started treating me differently, pointing out every little thing I was doing wrong, was being rude and rolling her eyes if I asked her a question, etc. Later I found out that she said she had an aunt that was bipolar and it was "bad". When it came up to my 3 month evaluation..I was let go. I know it was because of my diagnosis and the nurse. They'll never admit it, they can make something up. Their reasoning is that "my confidence level wasn't were it needed to be." But it was pretty obvious. That was a month ago. Now I'm still dealing with feeling like a failure,an outcast and trying to deal with the unemployment. I've been without money for a month. Sorry this is so long...I've just been wanting to talk with someone so bad who has gone through the same thing, for someone who knows how exhausting it is to act and feel normal, to be frustrated with having to take medications each and every day. I'm with a new therapist now and we're trying out some new medications. Besides the nausea:doh: it seems to be working..so cross your fingers. I'm trying to restart my life, I'm taking classes online so I can finish my RN. I just wanted to thank all of you for your stories, and appreciate you for your courage. It takes a great deal of strength just to endure this, much else talk about it. If anyone would like to talk or chat, please feel free to PM me. I wish you all the best of luck and God bless you! :wink2:
nerdtonurse?, BSN, RN
1 Article; 2,043 Posts
Oh, thank God. I've had depression since I was a kid, didn't start getting treatment until I was in my early 30's. I was scared to death that anyone finding out I'm on buspar, lexapro and prozac would get me kicked out of school. When I stay on my meds, I'm fine.
I grew up feeling that depression was some kind of character flaw -- you know that old "well, if you just were a strong person, you wouldn't need all this stuff." No one tells a diabetic that their insulin needs are "all in their head." I mean, I know that this is no different than my body not making an enzyme or something else that it needs, but man, I've been programmed to feel bad about not being "normal." Despite the fact that suicides are all over my mom's side of the family, along with major clinical depressions, you're "weak" if you "give into it."
Nursing school's enough stress without worrying you're going to accidently drop a prozac in front of a professor and get thrown out of the program....