Divorce & Nursing

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I just read on MSN.com that one thing men to steer away from in women...is to stay away from a relationship with a nurse. "After a long 12 hour shift, there isn't much time left for love and caring at home". I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm 43 years old and am definately, totally exhausted and am running on fumes by the time I get home. I became an RN in my early 20's and had a lovely marriage sour after several years. I can honestly say that my occupation was hazardous to my marriage. What about the rest of you? Any contributing factors or solutions?

Specializes in MS Home Health.

I married a nurse so we both konk out and totally understand each other.

renerian

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Equality--Stage II:

Feminism has become the new F-word. In the past 100 years, roles in the family have changed immensely. Men used to be responsible for breadwinning. Due to economic reasons circa WWII and before, women of the middle class moved into the workforce in droves. They still did all the work at home. Then, feminists faught for equality in pay and opportunity to do the best jobs. THE END.

The move towards equality is NOT over. Equality--Stage II involves standing up for ourselves in the home. Just as employers weren't going to be fair with wages and opportunities unless forced, our husbands are not going to be fair with housework unless forced. Cultural expectations are stacked against women, but despite that they managed to do quite well in the work force. Take it home ladies.

My husband was raised by a feminist who worked two shifts. His examples are a mother who makes half the money, raises the kids, and does ALL of the cooking, shopping, and cleaning. Despite saying it wasn't fair he has choosen to be like his father at home. Feminists raised their boys to fell like boy kings who never have to take responsibility for anything.

We discussed all of this and dated for many years before marriage. It did no good. He expects a wife/mother/servant in his life. Despite love, he feels miserable without it. His mother raised him to expect this whether she realized it or not. There will be no fairness ulness I force it as I would with a child.

But I resent being married to someone who cannot take responsibility for himself. My hands are tied because he believes, like many men, that he does more than he does and that he is being shafted in marriage if he has to be responsible for something. This is what my boys will be like if nothing changes and I have kids with him, and I have no intention of staying with my husband if fighting the good fight continues to fail me.

Just some thoughts.

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Specializes in Critical Care,Recovery, ED.

Gender roles are gender roles and have deep roots within a culture. It will take generations to change.

On a different note, Nursing at the end of the 19th Century worked almost excusively 12 hour shifts, our predessors fought long and hard to get 8 hour shifts....it might be time to go to a shift shorter then 12 (which is actually typically 13+).

We also live in an "I" centered culture, marriage requires a "we" so I am not surprised by the high divorce rate.

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I think that it's very difficult trying to juggle a married relationship and children along with working 12 hour night shifts and taking call. An ER doc told me some time ago that his ex wife had BPD, (borderline personality disorder). He said that most medical professionals tend to attract persons that are needy. What do you all think?

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Originally posted by meredithT

We have a serious problem in this country and that is women have a 2nd shift - housework/childcare - and men don't. The culture teaches us that this is expected but doesn't explain to us how to handle the anger that builds up over the disparity. We both are working, why is only one of us doing all the work at home? I for one, struggle with this all the time. It seems to go in cycles - I get totally fed up and tell him he HAS to do more, he starts doing more, then slacks off slowly until I build up anger again.

A friend who's been a marital therapist for many years said that a large part of her practice was wives who'd done way, way too much for too many years until they reached the volcano of anger stage and then walked away. She said it was never salvagable if they waited that long.

So how can we convince them to do their share??? I don't want to become a volcano.

Meredith,

Could you tell your husband just what you've told us?

I read the book titled "The Second Shift." It's about how men come home from their jobs and relax- women come home, take care of kids, do laundry cook dinner, etc.

Maybe you've read it, too?

Fortunately, this is not the case for me. I saw it with my mother. I also saw that she was trapped in an unhappy marriage. It took her many years to get up the guts to leave. We were all better off for it.

I saw so many miserable, trapped married women when I was growing up and in my young adulthood, I made sure to make careful choices in my life and plan carefully so that I would not become a trapped/miserable wife, and I haven't.

Trapped and miserable in nursing however, that's another story!

When I was in nursing school, quite a few of my married class-mates cheated on their husbands. I think the stress of nursing school and unsupportive husbands had a lot to do with it.

When

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Originally posted by Sarah Kat

I am thankful my parents got divorced when they did. In fact, it's a shame it took them so long. I think it is more traumatizing to a child to have their parents constantly arguing (and when not arguing, not speaking at all).

first marriage... ;)

I totally agree. My parents got divorced when I was 12 yrs old. what a relief it was. The divorce and finally knowing that it was OVER is my best childhood memory.

I am also in my first (only) marriage. I waited until I was 31 to finally get married. Many of my high-school friends had been married and divored two or three time by then.

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Originally posted by renerian

I married a nurse so we both konk out and totally understand each other.

renerian

Ditto!:D

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I've thought about the possibility of my 2 divorces being from stress of nursing. But actually they were not. People change at different rates. If those changes are positive then that makes all the difference. When the change is negative, I'm outa here......just a thought. Peace.

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Yep, 32 years of marriage and I filed for divorce last week. I thought if I was able to contribute to the family income we would finally be able to do the things we always wanted to.

Boy was I wrong! What he did was quit his job with Swift Transportation after I was working for 6 months. This went on for over a year. Then in June of this year I threw a fit...he found a delivery job, got car jacked and sat for another 4 months. What I find in July is he is meeting some ladies from the internet to statisfy his sick fantasy. Thought we got the matter cleared up.....at until October and he started it all over again!

Needless to say, I can and won't live like that. He needs help, but refuses. I can't keep butting my head against that wall anymore and made the decision to go on without him.

I am on my own for the first time in my life and not sure which way I will go....I know one way will not be back to what I have lived with for the last 13 years

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Well I have to jump into this one, I am under my wifes name as she is in the hospital(all that info is in another post).

I was married before(got married for the wrong reasons, money) yes her parents had lots of money and they flaunted it. I got anything that I wanted and more. The first year was great we traveled, worked a little and traveled more. Than everything started to fall apart. We really found out that had nothing in common and it was all a false front. I could not take it anymore and filed for divorce. While we were seperated and the nasty divorce was taking place, I met my wife now while playing deck hockey(she was at a game with one of my friends girlfriends). We started to talk and talk is all I wanted, we became friends first. than we moved in together. She was a registerd medical assistant. We got married and had 2 wonderfuld children. She than wanted to become a nurse. I supported her, changed jobs numerous times to work along her school schedule. We had a couple of set backs due to an operation but in december we finally made it. Now we have another set back due to a mishap during surgery. I am still there beside her all the way. I do the laundry(in fact I am doing some right now), cook(I did that before, I love to cook), spend alot of time with our children and take the good with the bad when it comes time to our private time. Ther was many of nites(and most likely will be many more) where she was just too tired for the fun stuff. Over the years though we have found ways to make those few times work for us and she really tries to go that extra mile to please me if I really need it and if she can't I can always take matters in my OWN HANDS ( hehehe).

All I am saying is that not everyone is going to get lucky like myself and find that perfect(at least in my eyes) person. I do believe that there is a soul mate for every person we just have to find them. We will never know at first however when your tested and tested and tested again; just when you think your over your limit sit back take a deep breath, look at your partner and think what it would be like without them. If all the frustration and anger leaves for a moment, guess what you found them. How can I say this, because that is what has happend with me. I know she is my soul mate as she feels the same way. Our marriage has become stronger every day and I know that it will only get better.

As for the divoce thing among nurses, I believe it works both ways. Yes alot of men do nothing to support and help the woman through. On the other hand also alot of woman do nothing for the man also. They believe because they have something that men want they can control them or withold it. I am not saying all woman however there are many that do that.

There is never going to be a real happy median but if we would all just take a step back and think before we would act maybe it would stop alot of heartache and headaches.

Remember there was a time in all of our lives that we thought we new everything but really did not know #$%^ and as we get older we realize that we don't know everything and we still don't know @#$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Interesting thread. I've wondered what the divorce rate is for RN's, especially the higher level; management, administration. Seems the higher level of nurse, the higher divorce rate.

No divorce here though, married for 19 years and going strong!

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Questions for LILDEBBIEs' spouse.

1. do you work? didn't see that in your post

2. no offense, but why are you reading her e-mail?

Your reply was interesting, and you sound like a wonderful partner.

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